The golden standard for this kind of misstep is the campaign that tried to rebrand Las Vegas as a family destination (eventually they recognized their error and went back to the old slogan “Kill a hooker, we won’t tell”), but there are several lesser known examples that we wanted to bring attention to.

1) Disney World’s “F-ck a Disney Princess” offer

Effort: Upon realizing that his park was practically overrun by children, Michael Eisner tapped his “Imagineers” to come up with something that would attract childless adults. Seeing as how Imagineers are just engineers who get laid even more infrequently, their minds immediately went to paying for sex and weird cartoon porn. Combining the two, Disney enacted a policy in the mid nineties that allowed park visitors to pay $100 in Disney bucks for a throw on any of the park’s dress up princesses. For $500 a group of seven could gang bang Snow White (dwarf costumes included).

Reason for failure: The policy was eventually canceled after it was the subject of an EPA lawsuit over the mercury content of Ariel’s vagina.

2) Hooters’ “Free Mammogram with entree” offer

Effort: Long a destination for guy’s night out and a thorn in the side of girlfriends and wives, Hooters attempted in 1993 to double their customer base by offering free mammograms at all of their locations. Upper management believed that it kept with the “breasts” theme they had spent years cultivating while presenting the chain as a more female friendly restaurant.

Reason for failure: The offer ended after four women died of breast cancer less than a month after a Hooters mammogram had declared them cancer free and the ensuing investigation revealed that the mammogram machines were really just windows into the kitchen.

3) Natty Ice matures

Effort: In 2002 market research at Natty Inc indicated that nearly half of all beer was sold to drinkers over 21. Wanting a piece of this previously untapped keg-ographic, Natty Ice rebranded itself to appeal to older drinkers.

Reason for failure: The rebranding effort failed when they were sued by Guinness for simply copying Guinness’ packaging.

4) Library of Congress’ Porn-o-palooza

Effort: It’s a little known fact, but the largest pornography collection in the United States is actually housed at the Library of Congress. National copyright law stipulates that any copyrighted material must submit two copies to the Library of Congress for archiving, including all copyrighted magazines and videos. Think of your most perverted friend who owns literally every porn video and issue of Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, etc ever. Now double the size of his stash and you’ll get the magnitude of the Library’s dirty little secret. In an effort to increase library traffic, Congressional librarians (that sounds like a porn in and of itself) put the library’s porn out front and available for circulation in February, 1993.

Reason for failure: The policy was suspended after a first edition Huckleberry Fin signed by Mark Twain was found with all but four of the pages stuck together.

5) Maximus Pads

Effort: Armed with a lucrative deal with the producers of Gladiator and the notion that there was a need for men to urinate and masturbate on long road trips without making pit stops, Kotex (makers of maxi-pads) unveiled Maximus Pads in late 2000. Touting an ultra absorbency lining and protein controlling enzymes they stormed into drug stores and sporting goods stores where the ironically constipated-looking face of Russell Crowe extolled the virtues of sitting in one’s own filth for hours at a time.

Reason for failure: Depends adult diapers quickly cornered the new market and outsold Maximus Pads by a ratio of 20:1.

I’m not going to lie, that trend line disturbs me.

At the time of this writing, only two states in the country have legalized gay marriage, yet 90% of college aged women claim to be married to their best female friends. This is a factual impossibility, no matter how many bumper stickers written by total strangers are sent back and forth as if they were inside jokes. Additionally, if more men actually married their “shorties” instead of figuring that nicknaming her “wifey” is close enough, we might not have a single mother epidemic.

The Lie:

The Truth:

The Lie:

The Truth:

4) Friends

Primate research suggests that there is a finite number of others we are capable of caring for and maintaining emotional connections to, but Facebook research indicates differently. Fortunately my massive primate brain is able to handle a near infinite number of bullsh-t claims, the thousand-friend-myth among them. This isn’t even remotely true.

The Lie                                                     The Truth

It doesn’t help that 982 of those photos are actually of his custom built PC which he has named Jerome Jr.

3) Looking for

America’s sexual dysfunction and uptight puritan morals rear their heads once more. Despite the pictures of getting black out drunk and licking some guys nipples, and the routine enthusiastic remembrances of slutty behavior that passes for wall posting, most women find their alcohol fueled courage wavering when it comes to actually admitting “for serious” their sexual preferences. It would be simply unladylike to come out and say that one was looking for “random play” or “whatever she can get”. Those would be the words of a wanton and uncouth woman, one of far less culture and standing than the “classy ladies” that populate our American universities. Friendship or A Relationship it is.

The Lie:

The Truth:

2) Picture Captions

I’m not sure why people even attempt to lie here, it’s not like you stand a chance of getting away with it. A picture is worth a thousand words and you’re going to try and counter-argue with less than a sentence? Captions are so useless that most websites hide them somewhere in the code and are only there so that they can be used by the visually impaired. But Facebook provides the opportunity to caption, and thus Facebookers are obliged to place egregious untruths therein.

The Lie:

The Truth:

1) Favorite Books

Judging from the way they write, few people on Facebook are even literate, and of those that are, no one actually liked The Catcher in the Rye. You just put it on there because you needed something to balance out the seven Harry Potter books. You’re not fooling anyone by putting your high school English syllabus on your Facebook profile.

The Lie:

The Truth:

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These exceptionally rare white bengal twins were named for the Disney characters in Aladdin. It’s an odd choice, as Jasmine was the nubile (and knowing Disney likely fourteen) love interest in the movie and Jafar was the villain with pederast tendencies. At the very least he gave off a heavy “creepy uncle” vibe whenever he was around Jasmine.

2) Knut

In addition to being friggin adorable, polar bear cub Knut rose to prominence when an animal rights group advocated his euthanization after he was rejected by his mother. His name quickly went from starring in puns on the word “cute” to puns on the word “execute”. Now nearing maturity where he will be studded out to female polar bears to keep the species going, Knut gets very defensive about his “adorable” past (including a downright precious Vanity Fair cover), insisting that he is a “bear, not a cub”. He has taken up smoking cigarettes in order to appear older and cooler.

3) Flocke

Pronounced “Flock-a”, this female polar bear shares many similarities with Knut, except she tests poorly at math and science and is demonstratively less capable at sports. Her name, which means “snowflake” in German, while cute in her infancy became a burden during high school. Male polar bears (including the aforementioned Knut) made a regular pun out of it, bragging about which of them had “Flocke-d” her, and in which orifices.

4) Koko and All Ball

Right off the bat Koko just strikes me as a racist name. So because she’s a black gorilla we have to give her a name that is a thinly veiled chocolate reference? This isn’t New Orleans, Mr Nagin. Moving on to the much more apropos name of the pair, “All Ball” was a kitten that belonged to Koko. Koko had requested a pet cat, and upon receiving All Ball (named for his lack of tail) raised him and looked after him. Unfortunately the ball like characteristics of All Ball were not limited to solely appearance, and one day he rolled into the street where he was struck and killed by a passing car. Koko criticized the relief effort during a televised benefit with Mike Myers.

5) Topsy the Elephant

“Topsy-Turvy” has its origins in the obsolete Middle English word “terven”, which means to overturn, which was a pretty apt descriptor of Topsy’s final act on this planet. A textbook example of an animal abuse tragedy, Topsy had turned on one of her handlers, leading to his death. Originally sentenced to be hung (yes you can hang an elephant), the method of execution was changed to electrocution by alternating current after a suggestion by Thomas Edison (who sought to discredit AC by proving it dangerous). The results were, as they say, shocking.

6) Tai Shan

Tai Shan is a Giant Panda born in Washginton DC’s National Zoo. Because the other animals can neither read nor see into the Panda enclosure, they all believe Tai Shan to be an Eastern Black Bear. The name Tai Shan reads like DC tried to pass the name “Tayshaun” by the animal’s home country by making the spelling look “more Asian”. In response, a zoo outside of Shanghai named a newborn Grizzly cub “Yow Ming”.[digg-me]

Originally, it was conceived as a way to grow hair that didn’t serve as a forensic record of a decade of steroid abuse. However, since growing in, Jason Giambi’s mustache has starred in thirty four adult films, including one where the slugger’s mustache serves porn starlets penetrated by Louisville Sluggers to inner city children at Yankee Stadium, called “The Twicecream Man”.

12) Joba Chamberlain’s adamant refusal to enter the game to the music from Return of the Jedi.

13) Digging up the planted Red Sox jersey.

In the interests of full disclosure, I will say here that burying that jersey in the first place was frankly a retarded stunt, and some Bronx born guido needs to shut the fu©k up about “Red Sox Nation”. That being said, the Yankees paid $88/hr to union workers to come in on a Sunday and dig it up. For those keeping score at home, the Yankees literally have (and will spend) “f-ck you” money.

14) Suzyn Waldman.

If I need to explain this one, you need to wear a helmet on a regular basis

15) New Yankee Stadium.

When you own the largest and most profitable sports franchise in all of baseball, with a home park that is one of three hallowed parks left in baseball (Yankee Stadium, Fenway Park and Wrigley Field), what is the most logical step to take? Knock the stadium down, dick over the city, the league and the fans, and create a greater revenue monstrosity than has ever been visited on the likes of a major American sport. With fewer overall seats, but nearly triple the number of luxury boxes (including one just for the city officials of New York who negotiated the $10 a year rental price in exchange for $400 million in public funds), the stadium has revenue generating capabilities one Yankee insider termed “ridiculous”.

Not only does the stadium generate significantly more revenue, it also, through creative accounting, manages to lower the Yankees revenue sharing obligations. If you thought it was funny when A-Rod was making more than the entire 25 man roster of the Florida Marlins, just wait until Melky Cabrera is making more than the Dodgers, and A-Rod has his own luxury box just to store the interest he makes on his salary.

16) The New York Media.

Now I recognize this is a bit like blaming the rape victim for a rape, but Jesus, the pinstripes are just so media-slutty, what do they expect a hack sportswriter to do? Act like someone that’s not an ignorant douche? Not with those uniforms on missy.

Just recently after a closed door meeting with his team, manager Joe Girardi told the assembled media that the meeting was “between him and his team”. He was immediately asked “I’m an ignorant mother fu©ker who can’t comprehend the words you just spoke seven seconds ago, can we get a transcript of what was said in this closed door meeting that was for Yankee ears only?”*. This question and answer was repeated not once, not twice, but three times.

17) “Yankees Universe”.

We’ve all had moments in our life where we were called upon to make a biting retort and came up short, sputtering out something about the other party being a “doodie head”, but the response to “Red Sox Nation” that is “Yankees Universe” outdoes them all. Yankees Universe? Really? I understand the need to rival or exceed the claims of an adversary, but to jump from Nation to Universe is a tad absurd. The dictionary defines Nation as: “A relatively large group of people organized under a single, usually independent government; a country. A federation or tribe”. In topping this descriptor, Steinbrenner would not be satisfied with words that indicated something slightly larger like “Yankee Empire”, “The Steinbrenner Caliphate” or “multi-nation coalition of allied states defined by the Yankee Fan Treaty Organization”, but had to jump straight to the word that literally means everything in all of existence. In Steinbrenner’s mind there exist, many millions of lightyears from Earth, beings beyond our comprehension who likewise masturbate furiously to overhyped prospects and $200 million payrolls.

18) Bernie Williams.

Bernie Williams was a loyal and steadfast Yankee, and was ever the “loyal opposition” to all teams that faced them. It’s an incredible shame that at the end of his career Brian Cashman walked up to where he had fallen in center field, placed a shotgun against his temple and later sent him to be boiled down to make glue.

19) Derek Jeter, American League Shortstop.

The Yankees employ one of the top five defensive shortstops in the American league. His name is Alex Rodriguez and he currently plays third base in deference to Derek Jeter, who by all accounts has less range than Orlando Bloom. But deference to a long tenured and loyal employee is more important to the Yankees than the product on the field, which is why they promoted Don Mattingly to manager after Joe Torre left. Oh wait…

20) We can do it ourselves!

For a time the Yankees employed the services of former Yankee 3B, Michael Pagliarulo’s iScout firm. Pags specialized in scouting and analysis of Japanese players, and in the winter of 2007 advised the Yankees that the posting fee for Daisuke Matsuzaka would be close to $50 million and that Kei Igawa was a long reliever at best. In response, the Yankees told Pags his services would no longer be needed and that they would rely on their own internal scouting. They proceeded to underbid for Matsuzaka, losing him to the Red Sox, and then spend that $50 million posting fee on a $26 million posting fee and $20 million contract for Kei Igawa. Igawa pitched less than 70 innings for the Yankees, posting an ERA over 6.00, before being demoted to AAA. He has remained in AAA except for the occasional spot start. I know how satisfying it is when someone ignores your advice and runs headfirst into a world class fu©k up (your son should be what, three by now Laura?)**, but it must be twice as sweet when they actually paid you for the advice in the first place.

*Paraphrased for increased accuracy

**Laura is my hypothetical ex-girlfriend who was knocked up by a trucker.
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