Fool’s Gold - “A Tedious Adventure-Romance”

[digg-me]Chinese bootlegs, coupled with child slave labor, are good for one thing and one thing only - funding the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. That said, bootlegs are notorious for misspellings, mistranslations and the occasional guy in front of the camera that gets up to take a piss.

However, in the case of the Special Edition Chinese Bootleg version of Academy Award winning actor Matthew McConaughey’s Fool’s Gold, the Chinese mistranslation, unlike McConaughey’s acting, is spot on.

Editor’s Thoughts: I was completely shocked that “Good Actor McConaughey,” as his friends call him, was in a subpar film. His recent blockbusters, Failure to Launch, Two for the Money, Sahara, The Wedding Planner, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days were all such groundbreaking successes that Fool’s Gold’s domestic gross of $231,041 came as a huge shock to both myself and the rest of the six-million strong McConaughey For Thought Fanclub… that it made that much.

Next Time Try The Water Fountain

Nothin’ but class.

A Baby And 2 Strippers

[digg-reddit-me]

A while back we came across a Digg post entitled “A Stripper And A Baby.” And with a little searching, a little luck, and a desire to find something better than just one stripper and a baby - Banned In Hollywood unearthed “A Baby And 2 Strippers.”

Because two is always better than one (unless we’re talking about the herpes simplex virus), this picture takes the throne over the aforementioned because with two strippers, there are twice the taboobs (boobs in a taboo situation)… which is what you want.

5 Worst Product Rebrandings

[digg-me]Every now and again a company will attempt to widen the market for their product with a gimmick or a slick ad campaign. And roughly 90% of the time it fails utterly because there’s a reason their product wasn’t attractive to those demographics in the first place.

The golden standard for this kind of misstep is the campaign that tried to rebrand Las Vegas as a family destination (eventually they recognized their error and went back to the old slogan “Kill a hooker, we won’t tell”), but there are several lesser known examples that we wanted to bring attention to.

1) Disney World’s “F-ck a Disney Princess” offer

Effort: Upon realizing that his park was practically overrun by children, Michael Eisner tapped his “Imagineers” to come up with something that would attract childless adults. Seeing as how Imagineers are just engineers who get laid even more infrequently, their minds immediately went to paying for sex and weird cartoon porn. Combining the two, Disney enacted a policy in the mid nineties that allowed park visitors to pay $100 in Disney bucks for a throw on any of the park’s dress up princesses. For $500 a group of seven could gang bang Snow White (dwarf costumes included).

Reason for failure: The policy was eventually canceled after it was the subject of an EPA lawsuit over the mercury content of Ariel’s vagina.

2) Hooters’ “Free Mammogram with entree” offer

Effort: Long a destination for guy’s night out and a thorn in the side of girlfriends and wives, Hooters attempted in 1993 to double their customer base by offering free mammograms at all of their locations. Upper management believed that it kept with the “breasts” theme they had spent years cultivating while presenting the chain as a more female friendly restaurant.

Reason for failure: The offer ended after four women died of breast cancer less than a month after a Hooters mammogram had declared them cancer free and the ensuing investigation revealed that the mammogram machines were really just windows into the kitchen.
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Katie Holmes Dresses As Tom Cruise To Elude Paparazzi

In what appeared to be an effort to elude paparazzi, Katie Holmes dressed herself in the clothes of platonic friend Tom Cruise, and hit the streets of NYC. The disguise, a seemingly perfect way to get paparazzi to not take your picture, included the pocket tee that Tom wore in his role as Maverick in Top Gun, and the jeans Cruise was seen not wearing in Risky Business, though sources say she had to have them lengthened to fit her 5′9″ frame, which is 7″ taller than Tom’s.

The fact that these photos emerged however, indicates that foul play may have been involved. Seeing that Katie was spotted as Tom suggests that either someone spotted her and was aware of the disguise, which is unlikely, or more realistically, that the entire thing was just as set up as the Montauk Monster.

It’s simple really. Katie dressed as Tom but knew that no one would take pictures of him, so she hired someone to do the work - it’s sort of like paying your employer to be employed instead of getting paid yourself. The disguise then suggests to the public that she’s constantly hounded by paparazzi, which she isn’t, but which is a great idea - minus her one mistake.

Everyone knows that when you’re trying to revive your waning career, you don’t dress up as, and take the role of someone who’s career is melting like a manora in Auschwitz - it’s just bad business.

Game over Katie, game over - Just throw in the towel now.

The 2008 Fantasy Female Draft

[digg-me]Anyone that has spent 5 minutes watching the NFL/NBA draft realizes how homoerotic commentators can be when they describe the athletic acuity of college prospects. To make it decidedly less gay, the Banned in Hollywood editors have constructed the first ever Female Fantasy Draft. Draft order was predetermined by number of women notched on our belts. Since Peter is still a virgin, he gets first pick.

Round 1: Returner (Woman you can bring home to the parents.)

1. Natalie Portman, Jerusalem, Irsael (Peter)
Reason for drafting: Shes’ hot, a Harvard grad and because she’s Jewish, she’ll like my mom because she can’t stand her own.

SeanThomas: I thought you were part German? That’s going to go over REAL well.
Peter: No moron, you’re part German. I’m Irish.
SeanThomas: Oh yeah. Well, you’ll be drunk either way.
Brotha Jonze: I’m part German, so you can have her. I look for a woman who can cook, and as a returner, Natalie Portman and my industrial-sized oven wouldn’t get along. I should just invest in a nice Dutch oven to avoid any complications in my future.

2. Scarlett Johansson, New York, New York (SeanThomas)
Reason for drafting: She’s got bust written all over her, and I don’t really mind. Physically gifted, fluid hips, and she’s charming. She wins my dad’s heart without saying a word. Did I mention she dresses classy?

Brotha Jonze: Don’t get me wrong, she looks good now, but give her ten years and those chest hams will sag and she’ll put on a few pounds… which is unacceptable as a returner, you’re looking for quickness in the sack and consistency. Imagine her with a belly, the face just doesn’t hold up.
SeanThomas: She’s reached her ceiling, I’ll give you that. Hopefully her legs can reach mine.
Brotha Jonze: Touche, good sir. Touche.

3. Gemma Atkinson, Bury, Greater Manchester, England (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Her accent.

SeanThomas: Your parents must subscribe to the “she has an English accent and therefore smart” theory, which most Americans seem to have. Her intelligence is about as real as her chest.
Brotha Jonze: Which is perfect because I get all the benefits of others thinking she’s smart without actually being so. Why would you want a smart girl, Sean? If you dated a smart chick, she’d leave you before you got her in bed.
SeanThomas: Gemma seems to dig the soccer players. On the bright side, you might be the first straight guy she’s screwed.
Peter: Enjoy your raging case of the Cristiano Ronaldo strain.
Brotha Jonze: Hey, at least AIDS kills you. Better than living the rest of your life with a bumpy dick right?
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