Epic Football Fumble Fail

Being that I’ve spent my entire life living in Los Angeles, four of those years being at a Karl Dorrell led UCLA, I really have no football team to root for.

And as you can imagine, particularly if you’re from the greater LA area, when you have no team to root for, you either root for a) skull exploding hits, b) individual players failing their teams (a la Tony Romo’s season ending fumbled snap) or c) Notre Dame’s Jimmy Clausen accomplishing both a) and b) on an every-Saturday basis (things are looking pretty good for option c) thus far).

Because there simply aren’t enough minutes in the day to watch the dismemberment of Clausen, here are 5 great football celebration fails.

5. The – 40 Yard Dash

Everybody wants this guy on their team. let the recruitment process begin…

4. Cougars Don’t Leave Balls Unrecovered

Especially when the Cougars are desperate…

3. Wrong Endzone, Buddy

Some careers end with injury, but Jim Marshall’s career comes to an end after a successful fumble recovery.

2. Desean Jackson Is Premature

This isn’t going to make Andy Reid very happy…

1. Hall Of Fame Type Fail

If you could be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame for anything but being a great player, this is what would earn your bid.

It’s easily the greatest single play in football history, and that goes for both American and European Football combined.

If there was ever a sign that you are giving up on life, it’s not that you’re so morbidly obese that you are 38 and you scoot around on the same type of scooter my 84 year-old grandfather turned to after his cane gave way to a walker – his walker ultimately not enough support for his degenerating body.

At 82 he turned to a scooter, and only because a doctor recommended it after his arthritis became so bad that after a day on his feet, his knees would swell up the size of a cantaloupe – or in morbidly obese terms – the size of a small order of fries.

But still, the fact that your fat ass sits on one of these vehicles instead of walking through Wal-Mart is not the sign that you gave up on life, no. The real sign you gave up on life is that you’re sitting on a scooter in the drive-thru line at the local KFC – the same fast food joint that put you in your scooter in the first place.

Ricky Gervais would agree with me, and as always, is more articulate than I am which he makes apparent in this excellent video.

You’ll also like:

Drunk stories that will make your butt explode (When I Was Drunk)
Most awesome wake up pranks compilation (Break)
How to get laid (AskMen)
Candy Ace is a 12 out of 10 (Gorillamask)
7 New Professors on Rate My Professor (CollegeHumor)
7 Sex tips that will put you in the hospital (Cracked)

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, a Butterface is a woman who has an exceptional body and an unexceptionally hideous face – hence but-her-face. The term (antonymous to the highly deceptive MySpace Shot) is an etymological derivative of the phrase “good from far but far from good” and can be applied to women like Amy Reid (above), Jennifer Garner, and of course Barbara Walters.

Surprisingly, Sarah Jessica Parker is not a butterface because the horseishness of her face detracts so much from the rest of her body that any heterosexual male cannot avoid picturing her visage disfiguring the physiognomy of a fully grown Clydesdale.

You’ve surely seen a few of these images floating around the intertubes but try to enjoy these 10 banged up beauties regardless.

Oh, and we have no idea how old any of these things are so please keep your pants on.

10.

9. Errrm

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Remember two things fellas:
1. This is why girls wear sunglasses as big as Daft Punk’s headgear
2. You can drink an ugly chick hot, but you can’t drink a fat chick skinny (thanks Dave)

How Can You Be Sure

In 1993, Frontman Thom York commented that the title of the track How Can You Be Sure? was tentative and that he planned to change it. Although he never officially made the change, when How Can You Be Sure was released on the first Japanese issue of The Bends, the song was called When I’m Like This.

Fans of Radiohead’s acoustic singles will love this track. The female background vocals in the second verse are performed by Dianne Swann, of the band The Julie Dolphine.

Banana Co.

The track Banana Co. first aired on an acoustic radio session Thom did in 1993 which after a warm reception was followed by a studio version that was released on the benefit compilation Criminal Justice: Axe the Act (also available as a B-side on the second part of the Street Spirit release).

If you’re familiar with the track, you most likely have heard the most popular acoustic version of Banana Co. found on the Austrailia/New Zealand Itch EP.

Blow Out (Remix)

Blow Out received its first wide release on Radiohead’s 1993 album Pablo Honey but the Remix was only made available on the 2nd release of the four track Creep record available in the UK.

While the differences are subtle, Blow Out (Remix) proved worthy enough to earn a spot next to the original on the 2009 Deluxe Edition of Pablo Honey.

Anyone Can Play Guitar

Anyone Can Play Guitar is a track from the band’s first album Pablo Honey which was released as a single just a few months in advance of the album on the 7″ US version of Creep.

The track failed to make an impression on charts but was a staple on Radiohead’s mid-nineties setlists. The track would also find a spot on the 2009 Deluxe Edition of Pablo Honey.

Thinking About You (Demo)

Thinking About You, which was released as an acoustic track on Pablo Honey, was originally recorded as an electric guitar driven track on the band’s second demo tape in 1991.

If the final acoustic version sounds primitive, the demo is prehistoric. The track is one of the least Radiohead-ish sounding songs available and can now be found on the 2009 Deluxe Edition of Pablo Honey.

Honorable Mention:

Stop Whispering US Version (Pablo Honey Deluxe)

Los Angeles, California (October 6, 2009) – AskMen.com the world’s largest lifestyle portal for men with more than 11 million visitors monthly, revealed its highly anticipated 4th annual reader-voted list of the Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2009 today.

The list assembles a diverse collection of men from around the world and from a variety of industries including entertainment, politics, technology, and sports. All the honorees had a direct effect on the way men see the world, and notably in 2009, many reflect classic values that are most meaningful to the male identity today.

“In a turbulent 2009, men are seeking the stability of tradition in the masculine qualities that they imagine their fathers and grandfathers to have had,” says James Bassil, Editor-in-Chief of AskMen.com. “The character of Don Draper brings all these traits together, and in doing so speaks directly to the modern man. He’s a man whose time has come.”

Others on the list embody a host of classic qualities; Usain Bolt as the personification of competitive and athletic ability, President Barack Obama asthe male portrait of classic statesmanship, Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs as pillars of entrepreneurial spirit and determination.

For the complete list of 2009’s most influential men head on over to AskMen.

This week Jimmy turns to the Emmy’s for some co*k s**king goodness.

Every once in a while we’ll compile a list of images that indicate excessive alcohol consumption (check out Part 1 here and Part 2 here). And while there’s nothing wrong with drinking until you piss your pants, you must understand that the consequences can mean a picture of you butt naked in the driveway ends up all over the internet.

Next time try to conceal your face so you don’t lose your job (especially you concealed face fail girl).

11. You opened the door with your face

10. You woke up naked on the driveway

9. You wet your pants. you’re 42 years-old

8. You slept in a noble fir christmas tree?

7. You slept on the stove and in the sink

6. You try to conceal your identity while looking at the camera

5. No guys even bothered…

4. Your buddy was ‘pretending’ to be a chick

3. You pretend you are that penguin stuffed animal

2. Any place and any time is nap time

1. Garglerglerrarghgeblahrough

Karen Bray

Karen Bray may the lesser known of the two BetUS Models, but what she lacks in notoriety she makes up for in physique. Does she have more sex appeal than Kathryn Arbenz? You be the judge.

Kathryn Arbenz

Fitness model Kathryn Arbenz has done just about every kind of modeling from fitness to lingerie (yea, I guess that’s not that big of a stretch).

Check out the personal site of Kathryn Arbenz for more pictures, and then head on over to BetUS for more sexy BetUS models.

Interview: Of Himself, Directed By Himself

If you’re not familiar with Gary Busey or if you never had a chance to witness the greatness that was I’m With Busey, you really should watch this interview with the living legend first to begin to understand how the man operates – his operative mode strangely and eternally stuck at defective.

Let this be a briefing on the Busey.

Buseyisms: Gary Busey Has A Hobby

If you’re anything like Gary Busey, it’s probably that you have an extremely difficult time remembering the meanings of difficult words like “now”.

He suggests acronymizing confusing words and phrases to make them less confusing. The video, while helpful is a little redundant – we all know that there is no better way to remember what “Time Out” means than by breaking the phrase down to its etymological roots: To-Insure-Measured-Energy-On-Using-Time.

Thanks Busey. You also gave me some great business advice for when I’m late to work…

Straight Jacket: Protect Your Pituitary

When a guy like Gary Busey (so basically either Gary Busey or Nick Nolte) tells you he’s going to pull your endocrine system out of your body if you do a certain thing and then you go and do that certain thing, I suggest you reassess your ability to discern good ideas from bad.

I for one need my pituitary gland and would hate for Mr. Busey, gentleman that he is, to reach behind my eyeballs and pull it out.

SlurPEEs: From I’m With Busey

If there’s one thing you should have learned from Point Break or from Mr. Joshua in Lethal Weapon, it’s that you cannot fool the Busey.

Try to give him a pee slurpee? Busey sees right through your tricks.

Busey Goes Nuts: Which Is Nothing Too Unusual

You’re probably going to want to watch this a few times. I have nothing more to say than that.

You have now been buseyfied.

The vehicle is frequently and incorrectly called the .999 Silver Car, when in actuality, the owner of this Audi A8 from Dubai commissioned MTM, an automotive customization shop in Wettstetten, Germany to polish the nude metal body of the vehicle which gives it the silver-like finish.

The MTM website discusses the process used in shoddy English, “In Dubai the MTM Audi A8 polished was the eye-catcher. The car was analyzed and in many studies the enamel varnish of the aluminum car body was removed.

Furthermore the car was cleaned. After that, the car body was polished with fine abrasive paper as well as special polishes to high gloss. The blank dress must not have any defects, because of the fact that retouching was not possible. Finally the car was protected with special clear varnish against environmental impacts.”

“Because of the fact that it is impossible to polish plastic parts like front – and rear spoiler, mirror house, side sillboard or also fuel tank cap, they were enameled in a complex way to get a chrome effect. Finally they were polished with clear varnish.”

6. 50 Cent’s Chrome Lamborghini Murcielago

50 Cent’s chrome Lamborghini Murcielago was sold with just over 1000 miles on ebay for $310,000 in August of 2007.

The vehicle features black leather with gray stitching, black carpet, E-gear and unlike the Chrome A8, the vehicle is painted with a chrome style paint called MirraChrome produced by the finishing company Asla Corp.

It’s whereabouts are unknown.

5. Gold Porsche 911 Cabriolet

While not a lot is known about the origins of this golden Porsche 911 Cab, we do know that the car is garaged in Russia and that it sports roughly 40 lbs. of solid gold in its finish.

Gaudy, no?

4. Chrome Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano

3. Gold Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano Hamann

Ferrari 599 GTB, modified by German tuner Hamann.

More photos here.

2&1. Swarovski Crystal Gold SL600 & Silver SL600 by DAD

Easily two of the most excessively modified cars on display at the Tokyo Auto Salon 2009 were the Gaudy-Luxury Crystal Benz’s. Each  Mercedes-Benz SL600 was studded with a few hundred-thousand Swarovski crystals and covered every inch of their exteriors in addition to accentuating their interiors.

Gold or Silver? Take your pick.

Both vehicles were modified by Garson/D.A.D.