Woods has a new buddy — Ari Fleischer — Ex-George Bush Press Secretary and Plame Affair attaché. The New York Post reports,

Two sources in the golf community have told The Post that Ari Fleischer, the former presidential advisor to George W. Bush and the man who was brought in to help repair the steroid-shattered image of Mark McGwire, has been huddling with Woods, plotting a strategy for his return to golf — at the Arnold Palmer Invitational starting March 25 at Bay Hill in Orlando, Fla…

Palmer himself reportedly has told some close confidants that Woods is definitely playing Bay Hill. Quietly, the people running the tournament are preparing for a larger-than-usual media crush.

For everyone:
Crazy Fatass (Smosh Video)
Snowboarding Bulldog Shreds (Urlesque)
New Iron Man 2 Trailer: Now with Even More Scarlett (Screen Junkies)
Most Epic Couples Tombstone (I Am Bored)

Don’t say we didn’t warn you:
10 Funniest Moments in Red Carpet History (Manofest)
Inner Monologue of James Cameron at the Oscars (Holy Taco)
50 Things People Want to “Save” (Maxim)
5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying to Get You Addicted (Cracked)

Most of the time we like to profile those people we either have no respect for (Tara Reid), or have much respect for (for videotaping their attempt at taking a car airbag explosion to the nuts).

And while both types of profiles are honorable (let’s be real, most people I know would rather watch some jackass get hit in the nuts than have to read all this text — it’s instant satisfaction), we feel that it is time to honor one of the most badass, most talented actors of all time in a series we’ll be calling 5 Things You Didn’t Know.

This week we’re profiling the late, the great — Steve McQueen.

1. Man On The Run

While in Munich, Germany shooting The Great Escape, Steve McQueen got in a daily habit of racing in his Mercedes to his call location, all the while being closely tailed by German Police.

The result? By the time the film wrapped, he had almost been thrown in jail, wrapped his car around a tree, and Police had issued McQueen 37 speeding tickets, all of which helped contribute to his already badass image.

2. Fearless

McQueen was an avid car and motorcycle racer. While he studied acting, McQueen raced on weekends and bought his first motorcycle with his winnings. He is recognized for doing most of his own stunts — most noticeably the stunt driving in Bullitt.

McQueen also did the stunt motorcycle riding in his escape during The Great Escape, during which he also plays a Nazi pursuing himself.

3. Honorable

In 1947, McQueen joined the United States Marine Corps and was quickly promoted to Private First Class and assigned to an armored unit. McQueen was a rebellious soldier and as a result was demoted to private seven times. He went UA (unauthorized absence) by failing to return after a weekend pass had expired. He instead stayed away with a girlfriend for two weeks, until the shore patrol caught him. He resisted arrest and as a result spent 41 days in the brig.

After hitting rock bottom, McQueen resolved to focus his energies on self-improvement and attempted to embrace the discipline of the Marines. He saved the lives of five other Marines during an Arctic exercise, pulling them from a tank before it broke through ice into the sea. He was also assigned to an honor guard responsible for guarding then-U.S. President Harry Truman’s yacht. McQueen served until 1950 when he was honorably discharged.

4. The Options

Steve McQueen was offered but turned down roles in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Ocean’s Eleven, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (his attorneys and agents couldn’t agree with Paul Newman’s attorneys and agents on who got top billing), The Driver, Apocalypse Now, California Split, Dirty Harry and The French Connection.

He was also considered for Richard Dreyfyus’ role in Close Encounters of the Third Kind and met with Steven Spielberg at a bar to discuss the project. After pounding beer after beer, McQueen told Spielberg that he could not accept the role because he was unable to cry on cue.

5. Generosity

McQueen had a reputation for demanding free gifts in bulk from studios upon signing on to do a film. He frequently asked for electric razors, denim jeans and several other products.

It was later discovered that McQueen demanded these items because he was donating them to the Boy’s Republic reformatory school for displaced youth, the same school he had attended years earlier. McQueen frequented the school even after his success to chat with the kids about his experiences and to act as a mentor to those who lacked direction.

I would have created another slice for ‘Crying After Loss’ because there’s really nothing better that watching someone tearfully realize they wasted the last 4 years of their life while dressed as David Bowie from his “Space Oddity” video.

But what if your grandfather is Indiana Jones? I guess it doesn’t really matter because given all the tail Indy was pulling,  there’s no way in hell you’re legitimate, and no one believes a bastard child… which raises a whole bunch of questions about the legitimacy of every kid in every one of R.L. Stein’s Goosebumps books.

How many kids need to get molested by mummies before parents will believe their children?! C’mon now.

The other night Paris Hilton was spotted by a banged girl (**insert Paris Hilton getting banged reference**) on Chatroulette while vacationing in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil . Why does this matter, you ask? It doesn’t, except to prove that there are in (questionable) fact, not just one, but two female Chatroulette users.

Chatroulette, if you are not familiar with the service, is generating buzz on the internetosphere for its extremely lopsided penis-to-face ratio. Throw Paris Hilton in the mix of guys shaking their dicks, and you’ve got yourself nothing we haven’t already seen before.

If you think this screenshot is shopped, trust me, I logged into Chatroulette immediately after I saw it, and after sifting through a relentless barrage of cock fodder, caught a glimpse of Paris, but at that exact moment my Norton Anti-Virus failed me and my floppy drive began burning, all the while secreting a curdled yellow and greenish froth.

I’m now switching from Norton to Trojan.

Though our time spent was short, thank you Paris for leaving me with something to remember you by.

Image via BoomPix

The 7 Types of People Who Ruin Watching a Movie [Guyism]

The 7 Worst (and Best) Movies Ever Made [Fork Party]

25 Weird Toilets (Photos) [Holy Taco]

Pictures From An Amazing Lantern Festival [Uncoached]

6 Human Character Flaws (That Saved the Species) [Cracked]

How to Pick the Right Color Roses for Valentine’s Day [COED Magazine]

How to Troll a High School Principal [Unreality]

Steve Nash is the Most Ridiculous Man in the World [The Hoop Doctors]

Hierarchy of a Man’s Attention Span [Maxim]

The Gods of Modern TV Animation [Madatoms]

After the marriage contract was signed, the ambassador attempted to kiss his bride-to-be. It was only then that he discovered her facial hair and eyes.

The ambassador told an Islamic Sharia court in the United Arab Emirates he was tricked into the marriage as the woman’s mother had shown his own mother pictures of her sister instead of his bride-to-be.

He sued for the contract to be annulled and also demanded the woman pay him 500,000 dirhams (£85,000) for clothes, jewelry and other gifts he had bought for her.

The court annulled the contract but rejected the ambassador’s demand for compensation.

The Ambassador chose to keep his name private.