There’s nothing more stress relieving than watching through a lens of fresh lake water the life drain from your step-children’s eyes as they succumb to the placid lake surface under which you hold their desperately squirming bodies.

Props to the editor for failing to read any of the words he or she so carefully chose to print. Either that or they’re syndicating their content from the police blotter in their self help section to save cash — recessionomics.

Keeping it classy, New Jersey.

I thought I had found all the weird board games that were floating around the internet last week in our 6 strange board games list but somehow I missed this one.

Any game that involves a dog and a human and isn’t fetch is by default Alabama Twister — a backwoodsy fave. They do something similar in South Dakota called the Rocky Mountain Rodeo only it involves goats, doesn’t require a board and suggests using lube.

Dog not included is probably a good thing… choking hazard.

The guy in the yellow t-shirt doesn’t look to happy about the whole thing, and for good reason. Apparently the guide translates a little something like:

Step 1. (Preparation) Find a black marker. Draw two favorite nipples on your friend’s ass. Your friend must have a nice smooth ass. Use a water based marker as it is non permanent and easy to clean after.

Step 2. (After) Pay attention to your friend’s anal opening’s position, to prevent from penetration which would cause discomfort. Put your thing in between the ass in a good, comfortable position. Proceed to rub back and forth gently, until ecstasy.

Step 3. (Finished) After you shoot, you can thank your good friend. If you happen to be unable to fully emulate the process of titty fucking, it could be a matter of the drawing of the nipples are not very detailed or your good friend’s ass is not beautiful enough. Or even more likely, you are actually a gay person.

Thanks Kerwen for the translation.

If it were up to me, I’d a slip the ol’ “You will die a most painful death” fortune into every 1600th cookie.

But until I make my way to Beijing to become a cookie bender, these 11 strange moments in fortune cookie fail must suffice.

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If you’re on a budget, don’t bother going to mint.com, instead let me give you a few money saving, debt busting tips. First off, if you absolutely must eat food, remember, there’s food in beer but no beer in food. Buy a 30-pack instead of a 12-pack and put that shrink-wrapped tuna melt back on the shelf. The last thing you need is the 13-beer-deep tuna-burps.

Next, buy parachute pants. They’ll keep you insulated from the cold and do not require you wear underwear.

Finally, let you trousers multitask and use your parachute pants as a shirt. Less fabric means lower overhead — and if you’re one of the lucky ones and god blessed your toned body with a set of salty chest hams, the elastic waistband on your long-johns means you can use those big sweaty milk bags as a belt.

Who would have guessed?

Can I get the ‘wind up my ass with a goose quill’ and the ‘woman rubbing my nuts with a feather’ combo please? As you can tell, I’m very into birds.

(click image above to enlargify)

These are ten things that will truly make you say WTF.

10.  Slight Freeway Congestion

9. 0.012 % Success Rate

8. Better Than Bills Balls

7. If You’re Not Allowed To Drive And Text…

6. That’s Relatively Direct, I Would Say

5. Wait A Sec, Bruce, How’d You Make This List…

4. Life Fail.

3. No Wonder Why She Doesn’t Know Who The Father Is

2. Just Takin’ A Quick Dip

1. Totally Forgot About “E-A/O-U” Interchangeability

Two more photos after the jump.

When I was in college my three roommates and I went to the grocery store to buy beer. While we were there we picked up a few other essentials — an 8-pack of paper towels, and for one of my roommates who had been seeing this cute brunette girl relatively regularly, a few bottles of KY Jelly (which he swears by but I’ve never tried).

Quickly this trifecta of goods called into question the sexual orientations of the four of us by both the checker who called us out, and the several dozen pair of disapproving eyes waiting in line behind us. While we had no intention of getting one another drunk, lubing up, fucking each other and then cleaning up the sticky mess with our abundance of paper towels, this is how we were perceived.

The point I’m trying to make is, after viewing your wife’s Amazon.com shopping cart, maybe she isn’t going to dice your ass up in the middle of the night and cuisinart your penis into Betty Crocker’s famous carrot souffle, but it sure as hell looks like it.

This has to be photoshopped right? Regardless, props for the camo-fishing gear and the halfway burned down smoke.

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