You don’t usually get busted for bringing someone their LCD Screen, but then again, the guy is tanner than most.

Why you would be comfortable living near a bomb range just 700-yards away is beyond me, but at least you sometimes end up with some cool shit landing in your backyard — cannonballs and mortar shells as opposed to baseballs like you might get in traditional suburban tracts.

Keeps it interesting.

Officers cautiously followed this suspected candy thief as he hopped from roof to roof, not knowing what to expect. After a few minutes, they brought out a ladder and sprayed him with pepper spray. He eventually came down and tried to flee the scene but instead ran directly into a parked police SUV.

Police say the teen is likely going to be charged with criminal trespassing for jumping from roof to roof and running from officers in addition to the 100′s of dollars worth of candy he is suspected of stealing.

I’ve never seen recessionomics applied so enthusiastically to Halloween candy — but hey, no one likes the hitting the pueblo that only hands out candy corn and Werther’s Originals.

All this time I have been taking my shoes off by untying the laces, pulling on the tongue to loosen them and slipping my feet out. I never realized there were other, more like a boss ways of taking off my shoes.

That is of course, until now.

By Boat

I never realized boats were so useful in shoe removal, and for that matter, that the earth was so good at giving face massages.

By Train

While I’m partial to the by boat method if only for practically reasons, the by train method is equally effective in singular shoe removal especially when your income level is too third-world to afford the luxuries of the by boat method.

By Treadmill

The most effective method has to be by treadmill in that it’s the safest, fastest and most inexpensive means of taking off your shoes and you can do it in your own home.

Plus you get the added bonus of two shoes for the price of one, just like the ShamWow.

This also makes for an excellent GIF.

Never take ecstasy at a public pool, especially if you’re the only one doing it and you still haven’t perfected that salmon swimming upstream for mating season dance you’ve been practicing in front of your webcam for the past four months.

Thank god Ojai isn’t too long of a drive for me — I’d hate to have to Express Saver ship poor little Kevin Sorbo to Chuck Testa from across the country — rotting rodents don’t take too well to 10 day deliveries and USPS shut-downs.

Zis is vat I cawl ze ultimat twick. Otervise knows as, Mooooooommmm!

Vladamir vye you do dis?

I hate to sound like an asshole but how are we suppo… what the 190-foot cast!? How the…

When stealing a TV from a bar or restaurant, my first suggestions is to go after a television valuated at greater than the cost of a sandwich and a beer purchased from said bar/restaurant.

Finally… be a strong, athletic black guy who is capable of not being crushed by his bounty and can easily outrun a couple of obtuse cops even while holding the TV — you don’t see skinny white guys taking gold in the 100m relays and it’s not for lack of effort.

When it comes to getting pants-pissingly wasted at the bar, hopping into your covered wagon and trying to get home to your mustached wife safely and without attracting the attention of the horse mounted cop squad, take a lesson from grandpa; play it cool, and if an officer offers you a swig from his breathalyzer shaped whisky flask, take it.

Better yet, offer him the first swig — a little generosity goes a long way.

Relevant video: Russia In 15 Seconds