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This is what happens when Alex Rodriguez gets a hold of your pets. That or the people feeding these beasts can probably be found on this list of 10 gigantic humans.

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Living off of Britney Spears’ monthly cash installments, Kevin Federline is showing the world that men can do what women have been doing for decades. The New York Post reports,

Britney Spears has put ex-hubby Kevin Federline on a diet because he’s gained a whopping 85 pounds. The 5-foot-10 former backup dancer, who weighed 150 pounds when they married in 2004, now tips the scales at about 235 pounds.

Back when they were married, Kevin used to chide Britney about her weight, but now the dinner table has turned. These days, it is Britney who is making the jokes – calling him ‘K-Fatter-line’ and other names.

“She’ll ask him, ‘When is the baby due?’” revealed a source.

“Britney called him ‘a fat housewife,’” said the source. “ says he’s gained weight because he is happy and content, but Britney says he is just fat and lazy. Britney insisted he go on a diet and stop showing their kids it’s OK to be fat and sloppy.”

Kevin says he doesn’t have to worry about his looks,” said the source, “because women still love him.”

“The sub-species is created in midget-mills and survives off a strict diet of sugar packets and Keebler brand cookies…”

After contestants in an April episode of NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice created a detergent ad called “Jesse James and the Midgets,” miniature activists from Little People of America went to the Federal Communications Commission to ban the use of the word “midget” on broadcast TV, claiming the word is just as offensive as racial slurs.

The contestants on the show, including Joan Rivers, who believes the sub-species is created in midget-mills and survives off a strict diet of sugar packets and Keebler brand cookies suggested bathing little people in detergent and hanging them up to dry.

The Detroit Free Press reports that “calls to the FCC and Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump were not immediately answered today. NBC Universal representatives didn’t immediately respond to e-mail messages, and the telephone rang unanswered at their Los Angeles office.”

Until someone decides to answer their phone, we suggest using more appropriate terms such as, Pocket-Pal, Tiny-Timber, or Lenny Loompa.

Jack In The Box’s commercial midgetploitation was not deemed offensive by Little People of America because “at the end of the day, work is work. The burgers are just the right size and really are that good.”

Let this be a lesson to all the fatasses who eat at McDonald’s everyday. AP Michigan reports,

“Authorities said a man faces a felony charge after allegedly spitting on a police officer’s McDonald’s breakfast sandwich. Police said a 32-year-old man was working the drive-thru window at the southwest Michigan restaurant when an unidentified officer bit into an Egg McMuffin on June 3 and immediately realized something was wrong.

A police report obtained by The Herald-Palladium said the restaurant’s assistant manager noted the sandwich contained a “stringy with mucus” substance. She placed the sandwich in the off-duty manager’s trash bin, but said it disappeared while she phoned him.

The suspect, a parolee who spent 14 years in an Indiana prison, said he has nothing against police. He’s being held in the Berrien County Jail on a $10,000 bond.”

Via YepYep

For those of you who are new to Banned In Hollywood, we’ve been posting articles — top 10 lists rather — like this for quite some time. If you’re able to laugh at least one of these photos you’ll probably like the rest of the site. If you become annoyed, irritated, or down-right pissed off because this list’s humor is founded on, at the very best, basic fat guy humor, we advise you to leave now (though you’re probably only pissed because you look like one of the people in the following photos).

For the first installment of the diet series, please head here.

For the second installment, head here (we advise checking both).

10. You are the Blueberry from Willy Wonka

9. You just busted my wall down… you bastard

8. It looks like you’re wearing an inflatable sumo Halloween costume but you’re not

7. You turned a shirt into a sports-bra

6. You don’t pop your collar, your collar pops you…

…(what does that even mean?)

5. Wat?

4. Your right foot looks like a big inflated pink condom

3. You can’t say ‘diet’, but you need to go on one

2. You make Princess Leia look li… Wait a sec…

1.5. Oh, there we go…

1. For the first time ever, the ‘Official XXL’ on your shirt is smaller than your shirt’s actual size

Back in January I compiled an insanely successful image list of the top 12 signs people should begin dieting. Over the next few months I realized that those 12 instances were not the 12 best examples. While they were 12 great examples, I’ve found a few more stunning moments in morbid obesity.

Are they funny? I guess that depends on who’s looking at them.

Are they absolutely disgusting? Why, of course.

10. Your neck has a neck cushion so you can sleep wherever

9. You are judged even though you’re the judge

8. Your arm and back together looks like an ass

7. Your drink only fits on the table once you’ve eaten enough

6. You weight more than a Kawasaki Ninja

5. Om nom nom nom nom

4. You have a gunt

3. You just don’t fit in…

2. You’ve been on a safari, as the animal

1. Your head is… on backwards? wait a sec…

Some people will be offended by this list–it’s a natural response to those who need to diet–for those of you who don’t need to diet–relax, sit back, put your feet up, and indulge in pictorial-gluttony of gluttons across the world.

If in any way you are offended by my compilation–please read what Ricky Gervais has to say on the issue.

Your legs have tan lines from your stomach blocking the sun

Inanimate objects know what you’re thinking

Your neck is wider than your head

6 girls should, but only 5 girls fit in the picture

Your boobs impair your vision on the road

You look like the Michelin Man

No one can tell if you’re a man or a woman

Your penis is sandwiched between your nuts and stomach

You need help putting on your pants

You weigh more than your motorcycle

Even your unitard has stretch marks

Your stomach hangs out from under your dress