Dodger Centerfielder and pitcher’s best friend, Andruw Jones, effectively transformed the way Dodger baseball is played just by showing up to the ballpark, overweight and with a severe case of niggaitis (we don’t make this stuff up). The Dodger Centerfielder is batting an impressively hot .365 – for strikeouts, K’ing slightly twice as often as he gets hits, but just half as often as he, weighing in at 240 lbs, heads to the concession stands for Farmer John’s own Dodger Dogs.

Jones admits, “I love home games. When I’m home, I go for the Super Dodger Dog because it’s 20% larger,” like his average, which is 20% lower than any pitcher in the National League.

Skipper Joe Torre playfully admits, “He loves those dogs, and we figure that if his batting average increases at the rate his waist line has been, the NL West pennant will be ours by mid september or next summer,” clearly the same logic Dodger mastermind Ned Colletti(and other dealmakers come, and for good reason, gone) turn to when making important trade decisions.

Nicolette Sheridan made an appearance at Chavez Ravine and Jones was all eyes (and 35% body fat). The Desperate Housewife, now not just sexually desperate, but desperate for ratings, flexed her muscles with great definition – something Jones hasn’t seen since his rookie season in 1996.

In Closing: Seems as though the Dodgers need to shoot for 40% body fat if they are to have any chance at clinching the National League West, something Jones assures “will not be a problem.”

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