11) Jason Giambi’s mustache.
Originally, it was conceived as a way to grow hair that didn’t serve as a forensic record of a decade of steroid abuse. However, since growing in, Jason Giambi’s mustache has starred in thirty four adult films, including one where the slugger’s mustache serves porn starlets penetrated by Louisville Sluggers to inner city children at Yankee Stadium, called “The Twicecream Man”.
12) Joba Chamberlain’s adamant refusal to enter the game to the music from Return of the Jedi.
13) Digging up the planted Red Sox jersey.
In the interests of full disclosure, I will say here that burying that jersey in the first place was frankly a retarded stunt, and some Bronx born guido needs to shut the fu©k up about “Red Sox Nation”. That being said, the Yankees paid $88/hr to union workers to come in on a Sunday and dig it up. For those keeping score at home, the Yankees literally have (and will spend) “f-ck you” money.
14) Suzyn Waldman.
If I need to explain this one, you need to wear a helmet on a regular basis
15) New Yankee Stadium.
When you own the largest and most profitable sports franchise in all of baseball, with a home park that is one of three hallowed parks left in baseball (Yankee Stadium, Fenway Park and Wrigley Field), what is the most logical step to take? Knock the stadium down, dick over the city, the league and the fans, and create a greater revenue monstrosity than has ever been visited on the likes of a major American sport. With fewer overall seats, but nearly triple the number of luxury boxes (including one just for the city officials of New York who negotiated the $10 a year rental price in exchange for $400 million in public funds), the stadium has revenue generating capabilities one Yankee insider termed “ridiculous”.
Not only does the stadium generate significantly more revenue, it also, through creative accounting, manages to lower the Yankees revenue sharing obligations. If you thought it was funny when A-Rod was making more than the entire 25 man roster of the Florida Marlins, just wait until Melky Cabrera is making more than the Dodgers, and A-Rod has his own luxury box just to store the interest he makes on his salary.
16) The New York Media.
Now I recognize this is a bit like blaming the rape victim for a rape, but Jesus, the pinstripes are just so media-slutty, what do they expect a hack sportswriter to do? Act like someone that’s not an ignorant douche? Not with those uniforms on missy.
Just recently after a closed door meeting with his team, manager Joe Girardi told the assembled media that the meeting was “between him and his team”. He was immediately asked “I’m an ignorant mother fu©ker who can’t comprehend the words you just spoke seven seconds ago, can we get a transcript of what was said in this closed door meeting that was for Yankee ears only?”*. This question and answer was repeated not once, not twice, but three times.
17) “Yankees Universe”.
We’ve all had moments in our life where we were called upon to make a biting retort and came up short, sputtering out something about the other party being a “doodie head”, but the response to “Red Sox Nation” that is “Yankees Universe” outdoes them all. Yankees Universe? Really? I understand the need to rival or exceed the claims of an adversary, but to jump from Nation to Universe is a tad absurd. The dictionary defines Nation as: “A relatively large group of people organized under a single, usually independent government; a country. A federation or tribe”. In topping this descriptor, Steinbrenner would not be satisfied with words that indicated something slightly larger like “Yankee Empire”, “The Steinbrenner Caliphate” or “multi-nation coalition of allied states defined by the Yankee Fan Treaty Organization”, but had to jump straight to the word that literally means everything in all of existence. In Steinbrenner’s mind there exist, many millions of lightyears from Earth, beings beyond our comprehension who likewise masturbate furiously to overhyped prospects and $200 million payrolls.
18) Bernie Williams.
Bernie Williams was a loyal and steadfast Yankee, and was ever the “loyal opposition” to all teams that faced them. It’s an incredible shame that at the end of his career Brian Cashman walked up to where he had fallen in center field, placed a shotgun against his temple and later sent him to be boiled down to make glue.
19) Derek Jeter, American League Shortstop.
The Yankees employ one of the top five defensive shortstops in the American league. His name is Alex Rodriguez and he currently plays third base in deference to Derek Jeter, who by all accounts has less range than Orlando Bloom. But deference to a long tenured and loyal employee is more important to the Yankees than the product on the field, which is why they promoted Don Mattingly to manager after Joe Torre left. Oh wait…
20) We can do it ourselves!
For a time the Yankees employed the services of former Yankee 3B, Michael Pagliarulo’s iScout firm. Pags specialized in scouting and analysis of Japanese players, and in the winter of 2007 advised the Yankees that the posting fee for Daisuke Matsuzaka would be close to $50 million and that Kei Igawa was a long reliever at best. In response, the Yankees told Pags his services would no longer be needed and that they would rely on their own internal scouting. They proceeded to underbid for Matsuzaka, losing him to the Red Sox, and then spend that $50 million posting fee on a $26 million posting fee and $20 million contract for Kei Igawa. Igawa pitched less than 70 innings for the Yankees, posting an ERA over 6.00, before being demoted to AAA. He has remained in AAA except for the occasional spot start. I know how satisfying it is when someone ignores your advice and runs headfirst into a world class fu©k up (your son should be what, three by now Laura?)**, but it must be twice as sweet when they actually paid you for the advice in the first place.
*Paraphrased for increased accuracy
**Laura is my hypothetical ex-girlfriend who was knocked up by a trucker.