Posts Tagged ‘Aeschylus’

6. Arius’ Ass Gas Catastrophe

336 BC: Arius, was a notorious heretical priest who precipitated the Council of Nicea. It is rumored that Arius passed wind and consequently the thunder dumpling evacuated his internal organs, resulting in his untimely and pungent death.

Church Father and Heresiologist Epiphanius of Salamis describes him, “tall and lean, of distinguished appearance and polished address. Women doted on him, charmed by his beautiful manners, touched by his appearance of asceticism. Men were impressed by his aura of intellectual superiority.”

However upon his death and eventual autopsy, men were less impressed to find that his “aura of intellectual superiority” was actually just his leaky anus precipitating noxious fumes before his massive ass-blast caused him to spontaneously self-combust.

Is it true? Sure, why not? it reminds me of that video of the female weight lifter who pisses her pants and tries to cover it up by spreading it all over the floor with her foot – only Arius doesn’t piss his pants, he shats his life out of his anus and into his pants.

5. Marcus Licinius Crassus Knows “Where Da Gol’ At“

53 BC: Roman General, Marcus Licinius Crassus was executed by having molten gold poured down his throat following his defeat at Carrhae at the hands of the Parthians. Some accounts claim that his head was then cut off and used as a stage prop in a play performed for the Parthian King Orodes II.

Now that’s what you call a golden shower.

Is it true? I say yes, it’s the most plausible of the six. Plus after Crassus died, the Pathians would have been left with a solid cold cast of the general’s bowels, and who doesn’t want that?