Posts Tagged ‘Alanis Morissette’

Shortly after Alanis Morissette got fat, Ryan Reynolds made a strategic move and dumped her for Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately for every guy that prefers good looking women, their relationship got serious, and over the weekend the 23 year old bombshell became a wife.

Not only that, they did it in Cranada, which (like getting a breast reduction) is like slapping God in the face. Because she’ll probably put on the “Reynolds Rolls” like Alanis, below you will find images that are easy on the eyes.

Few things positive come from a declining economy, except saving money on dates. I was cheap before but now I have a legitimate excuse for taking girls to Taco Tuesday. If you don’t like it, you can pay for the next date. Banned In Hollywood presents the 6 Signs the US Dollar Sucks (alternatively, 6 Signs the US Dollar makes for Better Toilet Paper than Currency).

6. The Canadian Dollar – Remember when books and magazines had two prices listed, the US dollar and the Canadian? You probably chuckled to yourself knowing those Eskimos had to pay more. No one’s laughing now because that Monopoly money (Also known as the “loony.” No, seriously.) has overtaken our very own George Washington. I, for one, will not stand for this. First you push Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette on us and now we’re supposed to roll over while your dollar trumps ours? Nay, my beady-eyed friends, nay.

Solution: Invade Canada. Do they even have an army? They can only hope our tanks get stuck in their maple syrup.

5. Strippers – There are a few things Americans hold near and dear to their hearts. Baseball, jazz, apple pie, and fake tits. Last time I tried to indulge myself in a face full of stripper glitter, I was informed that they don’t accept US treasury notes anymore. How do those well-to-do harlots know that the Federal Reserve has been printing excess dollars? Maybe they are paying for college after all…

Solution: Pay them in gold.* At least you’ll be able to convince yourself that those are nuggets in her panties and not a sign that she needs to refill her Valtrex prescription.