Posts Tagged ‘arizona state’

Dear Demagogues of In-N-Out,

Since moving to California in the summer of 2001, I have had the pleasure of experiencing your restaurant unlike many of my fellow compatriots along the eastern seaboard and flyover states. Though I am an atheist, I have never batted an eye about the Bible passages emblazoned on the cups and wrappers. Who has time to pick up a Bible and read when you’re busy choking down food like it’s the last supper meal you’ll ever receive? Full admission, In-N-Out is the closest I have ever come to touching god, a god covered in cheese and saucy spread.

But upon my last visit, I had a revelation of my own. I ordered my typical double-double animal style with a strawberry shake when it hit me. Bacon. The bacon didn’t hit me literally, for I would’ve been the first ever to be hospitalized by deliciousness. Nay, like a peyote desert vision, it came to me. What could possibly improve an In-N-Out burger more than bacon? Like all things in the universe, the answer comes back to bacon. And 42. 42 strips of lightly crisped pork.

This doesn’t need to be a permanent addition to the menu. You may tease us with its presence seasonally, like a spring breeze lightly billowing a skirt on a pair of tanned California legs. You could make it a seven day affair, like ‘Shark Week’ on Discovery Channel with ketchup substituted for chum. Quite possibly, you could only allow it for only a day, like the celebration of the birth of your Lord and Savior. Merry Baconmas.

If the worry is freshness, fear not my carnivorous friends: bacon can be refrigerated up to 2 weeks. Not that you’d have to worry about storing the bacon for long, since every red-blooded American will request demand those strips of salty swine faster than you could keep it in stock.

Below, you will find other patrons of your restaurant who have signed an internet petition, which is about as worthless a communications degree from Arizona State. Nevertheless, you will find that support is far-reaching and open like the legs of a communications major at Arizona State (Just kidding, you know I love you, ladies).

Deliciously yours,
Sean

Banned readers: You know what to do. Sign the petition here.

After electing not to bestow United States President and 2009 commencement speaker Barack Obama with a coveted ASU honorary degree, The Daily Show’s Jason Jones headed to Arizona to get questions answered.

This is what happened.

(AP ATLANTA) A new report today from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that HSV-1, the virus that causes cold sores is on the rise for beer pong players aged 17-21. The precipitous jump (up 230% from 2007) has caused concern for a number of school officials and parents.

“This epidemic is something we should pay close attention to. We’re aware that we cannot outright prevent , so we have provided new red cups available to all students in the dorms,” said President of Arizona State University, Michael M. Crow.

President Crow supported prohibition-only alcohol education before his term but has since changed his position.

Adding, “As young adults, the responsibility falls on their shoulders to make the best possible decisions. At the end of the day, we hope they take a long look before playing.”

Of those polled, 9 out of 10 would practice unsafe pong with this player.

Janet Henderson, whose son Jake is a sophomore at Harvard, wants him to think long and hard.

“Ideally, I’d love for my son to wait until he gets his diploma before playing, but kids will be kids. I did all I could to teach him the consequences of unprotected beer pong play, but he needs to make the decision for himself.”

Janet recalled, “His father and I met after he made a double bounce to send it to three cup overtime. I fell in love with his smooth, quick release . It was perfectly timed and he could hit his target when the pressure was on.”

Dr. Cole Desorio, a CDC spokesman, urges students to find new games to play,

“Flip cup is great because each individual has their own cup. If it’s absolutely necessary to play beer pong, use the waterfall method. Many young adults, when asked if they practice safe pong, responded that they rinse the ball after it bounces off the table. CDC statistics have shown that rinsing has a negligible effect on the prevention of HSV transmission.” He went on the record, “We’re here to educate students on the dangers of pong and other casual drinking games. If we can get just one person to abstain, we’ve done our job.”

CDC Safe Pong Tips:

-Discard cups after every use, reusing cups can compromise their protective integrity
-Get tested regularly
-Stacking cups can spread the risk of transmission of HSV
-Beirut is not a safer alternative to beer pong
-Remember! Alcohol may impair the ability to practice pong safely

BIH Safe Pong Tips:

- Use a clean beer pong table rather than a closet door.