So you’re just driving down the road and a horse (no, not Sarah Jessica Parker) jumps off of your windshield, crushing it, and leaps over your car. Just another day in LA…

Some people are extremely unlucky–so unlucky that at times I pity them for being beaten down repeatedly by the hard fist that, for so many people, is the reality of their existence.

Other people are just stupid.

Michael Otero pulled into the lot of a 7-11 convenience store (only convenient if you’re trying to gain 30 pounds by the end of the month by eating cheese injected hot dogs that have been sitting on the rotisserie since yesterday of last week) and parked his newly purchased red pickup truck with a manual transmission directly in front of the store.

He got out of the vehicle, entered the store, and began his nightly routine by purchasing the most unhealthy food available to the greater Laguna Beach community.

When he returned to his truck–he was struck with the greatest fear that any man who hates walking and doesn’t exercise can imagine–his truck was gone and his hands were full of crinkle cut cheddar cheese fries and a family sized bag of Baken-Ets brand zero-carb fried pork skins.

For 120 seconds, Otero debated whether it was worth dropping one of the delicious treats in order to free up a hand to dial 9-1-1 on his mobile phone, but he decided that the call could wait. He stood in the parking lot, sad, alone, and staring blankly at where his car had been while trying to come up with some logical explanation for his truck’s disappearance.

“It’s almost like a ghost,” Otero said scientifically.

After he devoured his fries, he dialed 9-1-1 with his greasy sausage fingers and told the operator on the other end that his car had been stolen. Laguna Beach Police responded in minutes because they had nothing better to do in the quiet beach town, and hoping to catch a glimpse of the culprit, pulled the surveillance video from the convenience store.

This is what they saw.

“I still don’t believe it,” said Otero–continuing profoundly, “This is like a car hole-in-one.”

He actually probably didn’t do it, but when the jury began noticing shit like this, they huddled and said, “jesus god damn christ let’s just put this bastard away to shut these fucking retards up.”

Then they heard about the race card and thought, “it’s better we let this bastard get away with murder than have a bunch of angry retards that can’t spell trying to run us over with their Nissan Altimas.” And to this day, no OJ trial juror has been run over by an Altima.

Safe play jury, safe play.

Mitsubishi knock-offs are poorly built

15. The Treehugger

Tie your beater to a tree. What are the chances of someone taking the time to cut down a tree in order to untie your car for easier theft? According to this picture – 1:1.

14. The Beater On A Leash

Rope your car by the wheel to a telephone pole, that way, if someone breaks into your car and steals it, they won’t get very far with a one-ton pole in tow. The downside? Frame damage, axle repair, phone pole replacement, and having to explain to all you’re friends why you have a sixty foot, bright yellow rope on your back seat.

13. The Dish Wheel Dipshit

Purchase the Dish Wheel to ensure your stereo is the only thing stolen. The type of person who buys this: The dedicated Club fan that wants something more streamlined. Also the type of person that shouts, “hey asshole, I’m making it this much more difficult for you to steal my car, but this much more attractive for you to steal everything inside.”