So you’re just driving down the road and a horse (no, not Sarah Jessica Parker) jumps off of your windshield, crushing it, and leaps over your car. Just another day in LA…

Other people are just stupid.

Michael Otero pulled into the lot of a 7-11 convenience store (only convenient if you’re trying to gain 30 pounds by the end of the month by eating cheese injected hot dogs that have been sitting on the rotisserie since yesterday of last week) and parked his newly purchased red pickup truck with a manual transmission directly in front of the store.

He got out of the vehicle, entered the store, and began his nightly routine by purchasing the most unhealthy food available to the greater Laguna Beach community.

When he returned to his truck–he was struck with the greatest fear that any man who hates walking and doesn’t exercise can imagine–his truck was gone and his hands were full of crinkle cut cheddar cheese fries and a family sized bag of Baken-Ets brand zero-carb fried pork skins.

For 120 seconds, Otero debated whether it was worth dropping one of the delicious treats in order to free up a hand to dial 9-1-1 on his mobile phone, but he decided that the call could wait. He stood in the parking lot, sad, alone, and staring blankly at where his car had been while trying to come up with some logical explanation for his truck’s disappearance.

“It’s almost like a ghost,” Otero said scientifically.

After he devoured his fries, he dialed 9-1-1 with his greasy sausage fingers and told the operator on the other end that his car had been stolen. Laguna Beach Police responded in minutes because they had nothing better to do in the quiet beach town, and hoping to catch a glimpse of the culprit, pulled the surveillance video from the convenience store.

This is what they saw.

“I still don’t believe it,” said Otero–continuing profoundly, “This is like a car hole-in-one.”

Then they heard about the race card and thought, “it’s better we let this bastard get away with murder than have a bunch of angry retards that can’t spell trying to run us over with their Nissan Altimas.” And to this day, no OJ trial juror has been run over by an Altima.

Safe play jury, safe play.

Mitsubishi knock-offs are poorly built

Tie your beater to a tree. What are the chances of someone taking the time to cut down a tree in order to untie your car for easier theft? According to this picture – 1:1.

14. The Beater On A Leash

Rope your car by the wheel to a telephone pole, that way, if someone breaks into your car and steals it, they won’t get very far with a one-ton pole in tow. The downside? Frame damage, axle repair, phone pole replacement, and having to explain to all you’re friends why you have a sixty foot, bright yellow rope on your back seat.

13. The Dish Wheel Dipshit

Purchase the Dish Wheel to ensure your stereo is the only thing stolen. The type of person who buys this: The dedicated Club fan that wants something more streamlined. Also the type of person that shouts, “hey asshole, I’m making it this much more difficult for you to steal my car, but this much more attractive for you to steal everything inside.”

12. The Mystery Rims

Strap newspapers or other square cardboard object to wheels for protection against thieves. Why: We are still not completely sure…

11. The Hooked On Change

Loop it to a parking meter. This is mostly to make it appear as though the car is secure, when in actuality, all that a witless thief has to do is slip the loop over the top of the meter. Genius.

10. The Prison That Ride

Safeguard your windows. If this car were in Los Angeles, every window would be broken but nothing would be stolen. In the mind of the owner, this must be a success…

9. The Self Destructor

How it works: When someone breaks your windows and steals your car and they throw it into first, the wheel tugs on the chain which in turn tugs on the rear bumper. When the bumper reaches its breaking point, the wheel sucks it underneath the tire and shatters it. Free from the bumper, the chain then rotates with the accelerated wheel, thrashing the side of your car and ripping off all the paint.

If you manage to recover your car, it will look like fucksake. So just hope that the thieves cut your chain to prevent causing you more trouble than stealing your car already does.

8. The Steering Wheel Pot Pie

This one might actually work. Seriously.

7. Uhh…

If I could tell what was going on here, I would write something more insightful.

6. The Quiet Exploder

This is called the Surprise Attack. When an unsuspecting thief steals your car, either the road comes with it, or the frame of the car stays behind.

In the event your car doesn’t get stolen, don’t forget you strapped your car to the floor. Also, if your car does get stolen, hope that the road comes with it to avoid repairs that cost more than your pile.

5. The Bike That Lock

Things to remember for next time: lock the bike up, not just the tires.

4. The Petty Protector

High ticket item. Most frequently used as a prank aimed at a wasted friend. Try locking a passed-out, bracelet-wearing friend to the refrigerator for best results.

3. The Alternate Entrance

Windows were made to be broken. Sadly, if someone is willing to steal your car, they won’t mind bashing your windows in.

2. The When One Is Not Enough

A bit excessive…

1. The Douche That Bike

The good news: Your bike didn’t get stolen.

The bad news: You’re riding home with thirty pounds of steel rope around your waist, and you’re a douchebag.

Other stuff you’ll like:
The Bachelor Guy’s sexy model contestants (thebachelorguy)
5 Unfortunate moments in boners (banned)
Diddy asks important political questions (holytaco)
Office worker messes with the wrong cubicle (cameltap)
Seth Rogen and Kevin Smith’s new flick trailer (popoholic)
Christina Aguilera is leggy (drunkenstepfather)
30 greatest moments in found porn (banned)