You wouldn’t think that going to the gas station to fill up your tank would lead to an insurance claim for a totaled vehicle, but given the nature of humans and their general disregard for paying attention to what they’re doing, the Full Service option should clearly be getting more use.

Enjoy the following 25 Full Servicers trying their hand and failing at Self Serve.

But don’t get me wrong, I usually fall comfortably into the latter of the aforementioned two groups. I’m the kind of guy that thinks, “why buy the books when I’ve got Spark Notes? And even if Spark Notes only summarizes 80% of the books I’m supposed to read, if I manage to get an A on the material covered in those 80%, then I manage to get a C on 100% of the material, by doing just 0% of the work. And that my friends, deserves an A”

Anyway, on to the 5 Cars That Aren’t Really Cars At All.

5. Too Slow For Fast Food

The Logic: You’re hungry. You might have a car, but loading your scooter into the car requires more work than someone that needs a scooter is able to exert. You figure your scooter and yourself combined are enough to trigger the employee’s attention.

Why it’s not a car: Any time a vehicle owner weighs more than the vehicle, that vehicle is not a car.

4.The Crippled Assassin

I really have nothing bad to say about this cripple crushing cruiser – it’s badass. I could be wrong but by the look of this thing, my guess is it cruises at 45 knots, climbs 89 degree inclines and transforms into prosthetic legs, all while making your dick three sizes too large. Not bad for a wheelchair.

Why it’s not a car: Even if your chair has a seatbelt and tank-like traction, the fact that the bugs that should be splattering on your windshield knock you out because they hit you in the face at 600 mph means this vehicle is not a car.

3.The Senile Surfer

It’s great to see old people acting young, unless of course they’re being interviewed by Chris Hansen. But just because you saddled your surfboard from 1923 on god knows what, does not necessarily give you privilage to surf in the middle of the street.

Why it’s not a car: This one seems easy, but dispite what you may think, it isn’t because you steer it with your feet, nor is it because it has just three wheels. The main reason why this is not a car is because the guy controlling it is wearing shirt that matches his Hawaiian print skirt. Yes, I assure you – it’s a skirt.

2. The Vagrant’s Limousine

Despite that fact that this slab looks relatively well constructed – the tires are properly inflated and the chassis looks surprisingly clean – it needs a few modifications before it’s completely street legal, at least in my book.

Why it’s not a car: When you put your groceries inside your car and not into your car, that car is not a car at all.

1. The Honeymooner

This is basically the “big boy” version of #2. It’s sophisticated and reliable, and offers the luxury of a motor vehicle with the flexibility of an everyday gardening tool.

It comes equipped with custom grocery bag mounts and provides enough room for you to bring along your beautiful wife – a true diamond in the rough.

Why it’s not a car: This car is a car. You need to get yourself a helmet because you need to be driving this panty dropper on the street, buddy.

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