The following comparisons make about as much sense as the Jonas Brothers’ success. Though if the kiddie-bop voice-mod sob-sister pussy-pop trio made this list, they would have been characterized as a lime green ‘93 Honda Del Sol, a lavender ‘94 Mazda Miata, and a 4 cylinder aqua-marina BMW Z3.

I then would have photoshopped baseball bats jammed in all three vehicles’ windows and dropped them into the Pulp Fiction rape scene.

That would be humbling.

Tom Cruise as the Mini Cooper

The Mini Cooper was cool (for a few hours after seeing Austin Powers/Risky Business) in a novelty sort of way. But anything remotely intriguing about the Mini Cooper vanished when the new mini hit and saturated the market, forcing everyone to see how insanely stupid it really was whether they wanted to or not.

Even Oprah had a tough time giving these away on her show.

Clint Eastwood as the 67′ Chevelle SS

Sometimes it blows a gasket but most of the time it’s badass.

Mo’Nique as the Toyota Previa

Does this really require an explanation?

No?

Didn’t think so.

Vin Diesel as the ‘96 Ford Mustang Convertible

It looks like a sports car but behaves more like a VW Jetta—which is ideal for the generally female and closet homosexual clientele that the ‘Stang caters to.

Popular in the late ’90s–hopefully never popular again.

Carson Daly as the PT Loser

At first they think it’s cute and charming but after taking one for a test drive even 50-year-old soccer moms think it’s as stupid their husbands think they are.

Still in production even though nobody has purchased one since 2003.

Hulk Hogan as the 84’ Olds Cutlass Wagon – Lifted

Its time has come and gone (for the better).

It’s old, it’s ugly, it’s way too big, it’s pathetic, and everyone wonders why it’s so jacked up.

Note: The 2001 Dodge Durango (with spare tire)–not so little daughter of the 84′ Cutlass.

Is undefeated Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano all that she’s made out to be, or is she just a less attractive version of Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby? The brunette is currently 6-0-0 in her professional fighting career and won’t fight again until October 4th, 2008 when she’ll rumble with Kelly Kobald at EliteXC: Primetime 3 in Florida.

Editor’s Notes: Carano was voted “Hottest Woman In America” by Big Biz Magazine in the spring of 2008 issue, but as far as I’m concerned, Big Biz has just as much authority on women as Carson Daly does on humor.

I didn’t even bother to do any reasearch on this, and all the facts in this post may be way off. Why try? It’s Tila Tequila, right?

Anyway, she was on TRL, which is a show on MTV that no one watches, and if they do, they watch it in the same way people sometimes put on relaxing music to fall asleep to. The problem is, as terrible as the music is, you just can’t fall asleep for that very reason; because the music is so bad.

The host is equally bad, and I don’t know who it is, it might even be a girl – but remember, this is a post about Tila Tequila (and she gobbles either gender’s groins), so why put in the effort to find out who the host is? She looks like an alien. But at least the show is no longer hosted by Carson Daly (who thankfully now has a show late enough and boring enough that I can barely stay awake through the opening credits).

Anyway, my point here is that Tila Tequila hosted a show that no one watches – Which is perfect for her, because she also has a show that no one watches. I hope more people find out that she appeared on TRL through this post than by actually watching her on TRL the other night.

I don’t know why she doesn’t just get some surgery on her face to make her look more humanish. Jesus she’s disgusting. Talk about putting my boner way…

She actually looks more like E.T. than a traditional alien, if I cared more about this disgusting slob of trash I would photoshop her with the “spielberg touch.”