There’s nothing more depressing than meeting an actress at a bar who claims to have been in a few things, but is just trying to, you know like, get her foot in the door and do some networking. Talking to these people is like listening to Charles Barkley analyze a play that he only has the first half of the video for so he tries to explain what happens in his own primitive version of the English language; it’s funny, pathetic, makes less and less sense as the conversation progresses, but you feel obligated to hear him out.

After a few drinks, you invariably find out that said actress is not an actress at all but a hostess at the Applebee’s on Winnetka Ave in Chatsworth.

I really thought there was nothing more depressing than this, especially after I found out that she chose the Chatsworth location because it was near her other job; giving street blowjobs on camera to strangers for a popular but unnamed pornography website.

Depressing…

Then I saw this photo of Lisa Rinna flashing a sign similar to the ones those sandwich promoters spin on the corner of Gayley and Le Conte in Westwood, promoting herself as a candidate for the rumored Melrose Place remake.

We checked her recent credits and saw she just had a role on Hannah Montana, so she actually might be a perfect fit.

But for whatever reason, the street blowjob girl was less depressing to me than watching an ex-working actor whore herself out in front of Marc Jacobs in West Hollywood to absolutely no takers… At least the blowjob lady was getting paid.

And no Lisa, they’re not honking because they love you, they’re honking because you’re standing in the middle of the fucking street.

The Clean: NFL running back Ricky Willaims was arrested Feb. 21, 2000, for failing to sign a minor traffic ticket. Williams, driving his 1999 Hummer swerved the $80,000 truck from the far right lane to the far left lane without signaling, disrupting traffic on a three-lane street in Austin, Texas.

The Dirty: His mugshot revealed that he was as stoned as a witch in Salem, which addresses three things: why he wouldn’t sign the ticket, why there was a bucket of all dark meat KFC chicken wings in his lap (why he was swerving), and why he decided to “quit” the NFL temporarily… Brotha gotta get high.

6. Tony “Wild Turkey” LaRussa

The Clean: St. Louis Cardinal skipper, Tony LaRussa was arrested by Jupiter, Florida police in March 2007 and was charged with drunk driving. He was found slumped over the wheel at an intersection.

The Dirty: His notoriously red face isn’t a chameleon adaptation onset by wearing Cardinal red. Lay off the sauce LaRussa.

5. Kimbo Slice

The Clean: MMA fighter Kimbo Slice was arrested by Miami Beach cops in May 2002 on gun and open container charges.

The Dirty: The district Judge dropped the charges when he saw this video and realized how bad his life could hurt.

4. Kobe Bryant

The Clean: LA Laker Kobe Bryant was arrested by Colorado cops on July 4, 2003 for allegedly sexually assaulting a 19-year-old hotel employee. If you haven’t heard about this, buy this book called Green Eggs And Ham by Dr. Seuss and just start from the beginning.

The Dirty: Uh… She was 19… What’s the problem?

3. Tonya Harding

The Clean: Olympic skater Tonya Harding was booked into a Clark County, Washington lockup in February 2000 on a domestic violence charge after punching and then throwing a hubcap at an ex boyfriend.

The Dirty: Betcha never thought a white chick would make this list did ya? That said, gotta ask yourself if she had a spare hubcap in her living room or if she pried the hubcap off a car, then hit the poor guy. The boyfriend should have used his Nancy Kerrigan bashing skills and broke Harding’s little white trash legs.

2. O.J. Simpson

The Clean: Do you really have to ask?

The Dirty: Everything but the dress… or was that Clinton?

The Clean: O.J. was arrested in September 2007 for the alleged armed robbery of a memorabilia dealer in a Las Vegas hotel room.

The Dirty: His first mugshot reads, Holy $hit I just killed two people. His second, Holy fu�k I just killed two people and I got away with it! And they say cops are always hating on black people…

1. Charles Barkley

The Clean: In 1991 Charles Barkley was arrested for punching a guy in the face.

The Dirty: Next time punch him harder so he doesn’t get up and call the cops on your unmistakable ten foot ass.

The Clean: Six years later Barkley hurled an Orlando bar patron through a plate-glass window.

The Dirty: Now that’s just badass.

Honorable Mentions:

From Left to Right: Kirby Puckett, Neon Dion, Andre The Giant, Mike Tyson