I don’t want to give away too much, but here’s a little taste of what you missed out on when you bought your bicycle from the town bike shop instead of Craigslist:

“The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Philippines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy $hit so I said no way.”

Additionally, the aforementioned manly bike that is for sale has seven speeds, each of which represent your manliness as follows:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

So if you’re in the market for a 7 speed manly bike, then head on over to Craigslist now.

I was linked by a buddy’s site to a Craigslist personal ad that was both creepy and severely retarded. I then realized that being creepy/retarded when scoping chicks on public internet classified forums is a difficult thing to avoid.

They’re not always funny and it’s technically not illegal, but it’s a close second to To Catch a Predator.

The ad goes something identical to:

Date: 2008-10-16, 3:29AM EDT

Hello ladies of the internet!

I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I’ve come to realise exactly what I’m looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the ‘even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- – and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- – but no ‘Paris Hilton’ bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them.
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage
- Large collection of animé and manga
- Glasses
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying
- Traditional Ladies’ education

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some ‘fling’ as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

Major areas of failure:

Poor first line: “I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally… Ideally, but I will settle for pretty much anyone who responds to this, even if you are an obtuse virgin male like myself, so long as you pretend to be the outlined Asian female I described during internet computer sex or are willing to share your large collection of animé and my double sided Darth Maul lightsaber dildo that lights up red when pushed together from opposite ends.”

Name: The name Perseus, the Greek mythic hero who killed Medusa, only sounds exciting to guys like you. Stick to something like Mike… or Bryce if you plan on testing out both ends of that dildodoublesaber you sleep next to in your twin.

Time of post: 3:29AM EDT isn’t a good ‘hour of operation’ for finding “the love of [your] life ideally.” Makes me think you would have drunk dialed an old hook-up, had you any old hook-ups to drunk dial.

Physical description: “…and I am a little on the chubby side” only works if you don’t show a picture of your clinically obese, diabetic self. Given that it’s probably the only picture anyone has ever taken of you, next time don’t show a picture.

D-bag attitude: “I enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).” You can’t be tastefully refined about hobbies that will never get you laid. Like attempting to convince any straight man that Sarah Jessica Parker is sexy, it’s impossible.

Closing sentiments: “I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. At least 40 years long serious. The last girl who responded showed up dressed as a fat hairy guy that didn’t fit into the manacles inside the cage in my mom’s basement. When she whipped out her penis and put it inside my throbbing body, I knew I had been fooled… She didn’t want a serious relationship at all.

[digg-me]We here at Banned in Hollywood believe in true love. Personal ads can be confusing, so we want to facilitate the process for those looking for that somebody special on Craigslist. Fellas, step on up, we’ve found you the woman of your dreams.

Reply to: pers-766780676@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-07-23, 9:48AM PDT

I am currently a college student

at Devry

living on her own

because no one can stand me

and I would really appreciate help

cause life is hard and stuff!

from a Handsome and caring man.

someone who wants pussy but doesn’t want to do that whole prostitution thing.

I want someone who is not greedy

like me

and who is willing to spoil me…..

because I’m greedy.

I am a beautiful Spanish girl (from spain)

(my parents were born there, but I have no idea how to speak the language.)

and I know that there is a great man

rich man

out there who is willing to help me out.

reckless with his money.

Being a college student does not allow me to make the money that I need to make

because I have no discernable talent and earn minimum wage

so take me into consideration

cause no one else in the world is struggling to make ends meet

and be the one to spoil me

stupid enough to give me your credit card.

…….. I wanna be your princess!!!!

I’ll even pretend to be Sleeping Beauty when you come over, so you can do whatever you want to me.

I want this to be very private

because even I’m embarassed to be such a gold digging whore.

so I will send you a picture once you contact me….

if my eloquent prose hasn’t won your heart, I’m hoping you’re so desperate that you don’t mind that I look like Patrick Ewing and Janet Reno’s lovechild.

Please send a picture

Not that it matters, I don’t really care if you look like a sea donkey. Just have money.

with your respond!!!

Remember, I’m in college!

• Location: Puente Hills
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests (No contradictions here. Nope, none at all.)

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