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Rule 1: Don’t be a 46 year old guy who records “pick up artist” videos on a webcam in your mom’s basement

Rule 2: See Rule 1

Rule 3: See Rule 2

Rule 4: See Rule 3

Rule 5: See D-Bag and see below

Who’s dad is this anyway? Oh wait, being a father implies sex--which we know still hasn’t happened for this son of a very disappointed mother.

I was linked by a buddy’s site to a Craigslist personal ad that was both creepy and severely retarded. I then realized that being creepy/retarded when scoping chicks on public internet classified forums is a difficult thing to avoid.

They’re not always funny and it’s technically not illegal, but it’s a close second to To Catch a Predator.

The ad goes something identical to:

Date: 2008-10-16, 3:29AM EDT

Hello ladies of the internet!

I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I’ve come to realise exactly what I’m looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the ‘even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- – and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- – but no ‘Paris Hilton’ bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them.
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage
- Large collection of animé and manga
- Glasses
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying
- Traditional Ladies’ education

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some ‘fling’ as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

Major areas of failure:

Poor first line: “I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally… Ideally, but I will settle for pretty much anyone who responds to this, even if you are an obtuse virgin male like myself, so long as you pretend to be the outlined Asian female I described during internet computer sex or are willing to share your large collection of animé and my double sided Darth Maul lightsaber dildo that lights up red when pushed together from opposite ends.”

Name: The name Perseus, the Greek mythic hero who killed Medusa, only sounds exciting to guys like you. Stick to something like Mike… or Bryce if you plan on testing out both ends of that dildodoublesaber you sleep next to in your twin.

Time of post: 3:29AM EDT isn’t a good ‘hour of operation’ for finding “the love of [your] life ideally.” Makes me think you would have drunk dialed an old hook-up, had you any old hook-ups to drunk dial.

Physical description: “…and I am a little on the chubby side” only works if you don’t show a picture of your clinically obese, diabetic self. Given that it’s probably the only picture anyone has ever taken of you, next time don’t show a picture.

D-bag attitude: “I enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).” You can’t be tastefully refined about hobbies that will never get you laid. Like attempting to convince any straight man that Sarah Jessica Parker is sexy, it’s impossible.

Closing sentiments: “I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. At least 40 years long serious. The last girl who responded showed up dressed as a fat hairy guy that didn’t fit into the manacles inside the cage in my mom’s basement. When she whipped out her penis and put it inside my throbbing body, I knew I had been fooled… She didn’t want a serious relationship at all.