You know you’re in need of some serious lifestyle changes when you’re getting mistaken as prey by illegal beluga whale poachers… The harpoons, man them.

B92 has the whole story,

PODGORICA — A 28-year-old Serbian woman was seriously injured in the Montenegrin seaside town of Budva yesterday when a local diver shot her with a harpoon.

The woman, identified as Maja Georgi from the town of Pančevo, was swimming some 20 meters from the shore when the harpoon pierced her left shoulder, in what local media described as an accident.

Georgi underwent complicated surgery in the nearby town of Kotor, said reports, and her condition is now stable and non-life threatening.

The man who shot the harpoon was identified as Milan Lalović. He was questioned by local police and released, said reports.

Podgorica’s Vijesti newspaper quotes eyewitnesses who said the man injured the tourist accidentally, and immediately tried to help her.

Moral of the story? Never go for the shoulder — instead aim for the soft underbelly. It’s a kill shot.

Like our Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much series, our 10 Signs You Need To Go On A Diet series is always popular. Because it is our first installment of this series in the new year, I decided to lengthen the list by featuring an additional 10 images of morbidly obese people that you’ll wish you never saw (you can thank me for not including: this picture).

Do not think of this gallery as a low-brow form of entertainment that picks on an easy (and quite large) target, but rather as inspiration for lifestyle improvement (eh, who am I kidding…).

Remember kids, no matter what Kirstie Alley says, mayonnaise is not a salad dressing.

Click Here: For part one of the series.

Click Here: For part two of the series.

Click Here: For part three of the series.

20. You Are The Whole Rockband

19. ‘G’ Is For Ghetto Booty, Not Gucci

18. The ‘Robot’ < The ‘Globot’

17. So Many Levels Of Wrong

16. Morbidly Obeast

15. You Must Be Carted

14. Your Car Has A Joystick

13. You’re Slow, Even At Looking At The Camera

12. Seagull Target

11. Halloween Costumes Always Involve Moo-Moos

10. You’re Hurting That Rock

9. There’s No ‘Fatass’ In ‘Badass’

8. Nothing Says “I’m Lonely” Like Cowboy Boots

7. You Are A Goomba

6. More Lumpy Than Square…

5. Wat?

4. Smuggling Mexican Kids In There, Are We Now?

3. You Have Been Beached

2. “Schwartzman, quit farting around and lift her.”

1. The Ginger Gene Just Wasn’t Bad Enough

Los Angeles, Calif. (July 20, 2010) – AskMen and Cosmopolitan.com recently partnered to ask the age-old questions: Is chivalry dead? And are men really from Mars and women from Venus?  As experts in their respective areas, both sites set out to discover the true differences between both genders through AskMen’s third annual The Great Male Survey and for the first time this year, The Great Female survey from Cosmopolitan.com. The survey of more than 100,000 respondents was aimed at uncovering how men and women differ when it comes to dating, sex, lifestyle, and world issues.

Highlights from this year’s Great Male and Great Female surveys include:

• Men and women have different perceptions about romance…
• Nearly 40 percent of women report that their boyfriends or husbands are “not very often”  or “never” romantic, yet 75 percent of men claim that they are romantic consistently.
• More than two times as many men than women would cheat on their partner if they could get away with it.
• Nearly half of men say they’d dump their partner if they became fat. However, only 1 in 5
• women would break up with a boyfriend or husband who gained a lot of weight.

Other finds –

• 1 in 5 men and women indicated that they would track their partner’s movements via a GPS implant if they could.
• One out of three men would completely respect their partner’s privacy online, whereas only 1 in 5 women would do the same.
• 45 percent of women don’t want their partner friending his exes on Facebook, compared with 25 percent of men who feel that it’s okay, though only if he’s met her ex before.
• Seventy-five percent of women say they peek at their ex’s profile occasionally, while 15 percent of women admit that they do it constantly.

Today’s modern man still has a traditional edge:

• More than 85 percent of men still believe in the institution of marriage, with 1 out of 3 men stating that they will not pursue a relationship unless they feel that the woman has wife potential.
• Men ranked “having a family” over a “high-profile career” as the number one status symbol for men.
• Chivalry not dead? Four out of five men believe that they should pay for all dates for the duration of the relationship or at least until it’s established, whereas less than 25 percent of women say that their partner should always pick up the bill.

“At AskMen, we have come to rely on the annual Great Male Survey for the unique perspective it affords into what modern men value and how they think of themselves. By partnering with Cosmopolitan.com, it also provided us an opportunity to better understand the female perspective as it relates to our readers,” comments James Bassil, Editor-in-Chief of AskMen. “This year’s results are especially compelling as they illustrate the definition of modern-day masculinity and how certain male and female views are shifting apart in 2010.”

A less-traditional female perspective:

• More than half of women surveyed say that they don’t feel at all pressured (by family, society, friends, etc.) to get married.
• Only 25 percent of women are completely satisfied with their sex life.  Nearly 30 percent are totally unsatisfied, with 8 percent saying they want more sex.  Another 45 percent are somewhat satisfied but feel that there is room for improvement.
• Eighty-five percent of women are comfortable being in a relationship with a man who has a lower income than they do.

“There always have been differences between women and men, but thanks to changing dynamics and technology, relationships are more complicated than ever,” says Cosmopolitan Editor-in-Chief Kate White. “We were thrilled to work with AskMen on this survey to provide our readers with more understanding about the male mind.  It’s our goal to help readers have fun and satisfying relationships with the opposite sex, and what better way to do that than to do an in-depth investigation of what makes men tick?”

For the complete survey, head on over to AskMen.com

Let this be a reminder for all of you who think cosplay is just about hot chicks. Fat chicks need love too… just not from me.

Especially not glazed donuts. What were you thinking lady?

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve compiled lists featuring 10 signs you need to go on a diet, but every time I do, it takes me back to my time spent in in one of the greatest areas of Los Angeles — Westwood.

I took this Diet and Exercise class while I was at UCLA and I highly recommend anyone who has the opportunity to take such a class, do so.

It will gross you out and teach you everything you need to know about maintaining a healthy body, which will in turn help develop a healthy mind.

For those of you who do not have this luxury, remember these 5 simple rules.

1. Calories consumed should be less than daily calorie expenditure for weight loss.
2. Lift weights three times per week.
3. Eat 1g protein per lb of lean body mass daily.
4. Your Blender is not a chocolate shake shot glass.
5. If you look like a wrecking ball, you’re doing it wrong.

If you follow those 5 simple steps, you’ll be fast on your way to not looking like the following 10 extremely depressing examples of human life. Complete Top 10 List after the jump.

10. You Are A Wrecking Ball

9. You Are A Souffl�

8. The Blender Is Your Shot Glass

7. Your Purse Hangs Sideways

6. Your Neck Has A Stomach

5. Is That Even Possible?

4. That Chainmail Was Made For Galahad’s Horse

3. No One Can Tell If You’re An FF Cup Or An A Cup With A Belly

2. No Geek Will Lay You Even As Cosplay Princess Leia

1. You Can Do The Splits Because You’re Sitting On Your FUPA

The reason why I decided to post this gallery goes something like this. When you give someone the authority to ticket, arrest, tase, and even under certain circumstances, shoot a person, the officer who holds that authority must be in top physical (and mental) shape.

The reason is simple. If a fat officer feels threatened or gets into a footrace with an alleged criminal but they are handicapped by the effects of their own gluttony, they’re more likely to take serious action against an assailant because any normal physical exertion is not an option to them.

I’m not standing up for criminals, I just don’t think 300 lbs of lipids should be in charge of defending my neighborhood’s peace.

If it were up to me, the following 18 plumpers would be behind a desk at the station, not wielding their sidearms.

Back by popular demand, Team Banned presents the next great installment of the world renowned series — 10 Signs You Need To Go On A Diet.

Yes these people are fat. No we do not feel bad for posting their obese selves for your viewing pleasure.

Click here for Part One, Part Two, Part Three.

10. You are Cargo

9. You’re Teaching a Class You Should Be In

8. You’re Sitting In Your Chair and in the Isle

7. Your Stretch Pants Are About To Burst

6. You’re Heavier Than Nicole Richie, Which is Normal, Except You’re 4.

5. Your Body is a Souffl�

4. You’re This Guy

3. You Can Be and Are Frequently a Ride

2. That Guy’s Expression is Common

1. You Tried To Go Back To The Future But They Said No

Image via Unstructed

Joanna Krupa so hot in so many ways � Caveman Circus

Awesome 24 Hour Fitness Deal At Costco � Free Tofu

Halloween Costume Contest Finale 2009 � College Humor

The Saturday�s Frankie Sandford See Through � Taxi Driver

Bar Refaeli will make you fall in love with her � Use My Computer

Beyonce�s �Insolent Sex Party� Defiles the Muslim World � Celeb Jihad

Emmanuelle Chriqui Sexy As Hell In Lusso Magazine � NS4W

Mariah Carey sexy and steady on Malibu Beach � HQ-Celebrity

Jen Kraus has to be one of the sexiest girls � Coed Magazine

Ashley Greene Makes Pumping gas sexy � Guyism

If there was ever a sign that you are giving up on life, it’s not that you’re so morbidly obese that you are 38 and you scoot around on the same type of scooter my 84 year-old grandfather turned to after his cane gave way to a walker – his walker ultimately not enough support for his degenerating body.

At 82 he turned to a scooter, and only because a doctor recommended it after his arthritis became so bad that after a day on his feet, his knees would swell up the size of a cantaloupe � or in morbidly obese terms � the size of a small order of fries.

But still, the fact that your fat ass sits on one of these vehicles instead of walking through Wal-Mart is not the sign that you gave up on life, no. The real sign you gave up on life is that you’re sitting on a scooter in the drive-thru line at the local KFC � the same fast food joint that put you in your scooter in the first place.

Ricky Gervais would agree with me, and as always, is more articulate than I am which he makes apparent in this excellent video.

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