Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

Over the past few days, my Facebook feed has been infiltrated with this stupid picture. When I got tagged as “The Stylish One,” I put my foot down. I present to you the newest (and more accurate) version.

Stuart Slann, a dedicated Manchester United fan, drove 500 miles for a steamy affair with a woman he met on Facebook only to find out that he was being duped into an elaborate hoax constructed by two Liverpool fans he had upset while vacationing months prior.

After traveling for 9 hours on a journey from his home in South Yorkshire to North Scotland, Stuart, 39, was ready for an exciting sexual weekend with Emma, the attractive twenty-something he had been exchanging provocative messages with on a nightly basis via Facebook.

When he arrived at a farm in a remote area of Aberdeen where Emma had told Stuart she lived, he found the place run down, locked up, and deserted. Moments later, Emma texted him explaining that she had been delayed at work and that he would have to wait for her.

So he waited and waited inside of his car for three hours.

As the day shifted into night, Staurt was becoming increasingly anxious and he decided to give Emma a call to see when she would be home.

He dialed the number he had been texting, but when he heard the ringer stop he was horrified to hear a man with a Liverpool accent answer and say, “Hello Stuart, do you remember us? It’s them Scouse lads who threw you in the pool. You’ve been framed.”

Last November, Stuart met two cage fighters (and equally opinionated soccer fans) from Liverpool at the hotel he was vacationing at in Cancun. After a few days of soccer banter, the two fighters became increasingly annoyed with Stuart’s boasting about Man U. and after their argument erupted, decided to throw him into the hotel pool.

During the scuffle, Stuart broke his ankle and shattered a rib, but the beating he took didn’t end there.

When the two cage fighters returned to Merseyside, they created a fictional Facebook profile under the name Emma and sent him seductive messages while claiming to share a love for Manchester United. Daily Express reports that,

“During the nightly email exchanges that followed, “Emma” told Stuart how she couldn’t wait to meet up and make more of their budding relationship.

To make matters even worse, as Stuart drove to Scotland he was even persuaded in a text message to use his mobile telephone to send a rude photograph of himself to “Emma”, who he mistakenly thought was excitedly waiting for him to arrive north of the border.”

Stuart Slann, father of one, has since been divorced by his wife Louise, 34, after she found out about the intended affair.

Stuart responded by saying, “There’s no doubt I’ve been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool… It was cruel, but I’ll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up.”

To make matters worse, his photos and the tape of the conversation where Stuart realizes who Emma really is have been posted online by the two pranksters, and are kindly provided below.

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Sexy Humor: If discretion were petting little catholic school boys, our bastard friends at Screen Junkies would be the Vatican. This is why we like them. So when they set out to display 13 actresses come and gone, well, and one or two that might as well be, we had to link them up.

Sexy: Lucia Tovar is what you call a Latin treat certain to heighten your senses more than coffee ever could.

Cuff ‘Em: About 6,000 fans at a Friday night Colorado football game got to see an influential Democrat’s son run across the field wearing only running shoes and swinging a toy sword. Nice work, that is if you’re working on filing your sex offender papers…

WTF: Tired of having no internet friends? An entrepreneur from Massachusetts is selling his profile for a lean $73,000. Comes equipped with thousands of friends and instructions on spending the rest of your life masturbating at home to Suzanne Somers VHS workout tapes.

Awkwardness: You know that feeling right after you try to slap your girls ass and you miss and punch her in the lower back? Well this is basically the same thing just with high fives. It’s a great gallery.

Celebrity: Traci Bingham takes out her own trash. So technically she takes herself out?

5) Relationship Status

At the time of this writing, only two states in the country have legalized gay marriage, yet 90% of college aged women claim to be married to their best female friends. This is a factual impossibility, no matter how many bumper stickers written by total strangers are sent back and forth as if they were inside jokes. Additionally, if more men actually married their “shorties” instead of figuring that nicknaming her “wifey” is close enough, we might not have a single mother epidemic.

The Lie:

The Truth:

The Lie:

The Truth:

4) Friends

Primate research suggests that there is a finite number of others we are capable of caring for and maintaining emotional connections to, but Facebook research indicates differently. Fortunately my massive primate brain is able to handle a near infinite number of bullsh-t claims, the thousand-friend-myth among them. This isn’t even remotely true.

The Lie                                                     The Truth

It doesn’t help that 982 of those photos are actually of his custom built PC which he has named Jerome Jr.