After traveling for 9 hours on a journey from his home in South Yorkshire to North Scotland, Stuart, 39, was ready for an exciting sexual weekend with Emma, the attractive twenty-something he had been exchanging provocative messages with on a nightly basis via Facebook.

When he arrived at a farm in a remote area of Aberdeen where Emma had told Stuart she lived, he found the place run down, locked up, and deserted. Moments later, Emma texted him explaining that she had been delayed at work and that he would have to wait for her.

So he waited and waited inside of his car for three hours.

As the day shifted into night, Staurt was becoming increasingly anxious and he decided to give Emma a call to see when she would be home.

He dialed the number he had been texting, but when he heard the ringer stop he was horrified to hear a man with a Liverpool accent answer and say, “Hello Stuart, do you remember us? It’s them Scouse lads who threw you in the pool. You’ve been framed.”

Last November, Stuart met two cage fighters (and equally opinionated soccer fans) from Liverpool at the hotel he was vacationing at in Cancun. After a few days of soccer banter, the two fighters became increasingly annoyed with Stuart’s boasting about Man U. and after their argument erupted, decided to throw him into the hotel pool.

During the scuffle, Stuart broke his ankle and shattered a rib, but the beating he took didn’t end there.

When the two cage fighters returned to Merseyside, they created a fictional Facebook profile under the name Emma and sent him seductive messages while claiming to share a love for Manchester United. Daily Express reports that,

“During the nightly email exchanges that followed, “Emma” told Stuart how she couldn’t wait to meet up and make more of their budding relationship.

To make matters even worse, as Stuart drove to Scotland he was even persuaded in a text message to use his mobile telephone to send a rude photograph of himself to “Emma”, who he mistakenly thought was excitedly waiting for him to arrive north of the border.”

Stuart Slann, father of one, has since been divorced by his wife Louise, 34, after she found out about the intended affair.

Stuart responded by saying, “There’s no doubt I’ve been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool… It was cruel, but I’ll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up.”

To make matters worse, his photos and the tape of the conversation where Stuart realizes who Emma really is have been posted online by the two pranksters, and are kindly provided below.

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Sexy Humor: If discretion were petting little catholic school boys, our bastard friends at Screen Junkies would be the Vatican. This is why we like them. So when they set out to display 13 actresses come and gone, well, and one or two that might as well be, we had to link them up.

Sexy: Lucia Tovar is what you call a Latin treat certain to heighten your senses more than coffee ever could.

Cuff ‘Em: About 6,000 fans at a Friday night Colorado football game got to see an influential Democrat’s son run across the field wearing only running shoes and swinging a toy sword. Nice work, that is if you’re working on filing your sex offender papers…

WTF: Tired of having no internet friends? An entrepreneur from Massachusetts is selling his profile for a lean $73,000. Comes equipped with thousands of friends and instructions on spending the rest of your life masturbating at home to Suzanne Somers VHS workout tapes.

Awkwardness: You know that feeling right after you try to slap your girls ass and you miss and punch her in the lower back? Well this is basically the same thing just with high fives. It’s a great gallery.

Celebrity: Traci Bingham takes out her own trash. So technically she takes herself out?

At the time of this writing, only two states in the country have legalized gay marriage, yet 90% of college aged women claim to be married to their best female friends. This is a factual impossibility, no matter how many bumper stickers written by total strangers are sent back and forth as if they were inside jokes. Additionally, if more men actually married their “shorties” instead of figuring that nicknaming her “wifey” is close enough, we might not have a single mother epidemic.

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4) Friends

Primate research suggests that there is a finite number of others we are capable of caring for and maintaining emotional connections to, but Facebook research indicates differently. Fortunately my massive primate brain is able to handle a near infinite number of bullsh-t claims, the thousand-friend-myth among them. This isn’t even remotely true.

The Lie                                                     The Truth

It doesn’t help that 982 of those photos are actually of his custom built PC which he has named Jerome Jr.

3) Looking for

America’s sexual dysfunction and uptight puritan morals rear their heads once more. Despite the pictures of getting black out drunk and licking some guys nipples, and the routine enthusiastic remembrances of slutty behavior that passes for wall posting, most women find their alcohol fueled courage wavering when it comes to actually admitting “for serious” their sexual preferences. It would be simply unladylike to come out and say that one was looking for “random play” or “whatever she can get”. Those would be the words of a wanton and uncouth woman, one of far less culture and standing than the “classy ladies” that populate our American universities. Friendship or A Relationship it is.

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2) Picture Captions

I’m not sure why people even attempt to lie here, it’s not like you stand a chance of getting away with it. A picture is worth a thousand words and you’re going to try and counter-argue with less than a sentence? Captions are so useless that most websites hide them somewhere in the code and are only there so that they can be used by the visually impaired. But Facebook provides the opportunity to caption, and thus Facebookers are obliged to place egregious untruths therein.

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1) Favorite Books

Judging from the way they write, few people on Facebook are even literate, and of those that are, no one actually liked The Catcher in the Rye. You just put it on there because you needed something to balance out the seven Harry Potter books. You’re not fooling anyone by putting your high school English syllabus on your Facebook profile.

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