Posts Tagged ‘Fat’

If there was ever a sign that you are giving up on life, it’s not that you’re so morbidly obese that you are 38 and you scoot around on the same type of scooter my 84 year-old grandfather turned to after his cane gave way to a walker – his walker ultimately not enough support for his degenerating body.

At 82 he turned to a scooter, and only because a doctor recommended it after his arthritis became so bad that after a day on his feet, his knees would swell up the size of a cantaloupe – or in morbidly obese terms – the size of a small order of fries.

But still, the fact that your fat ass sits on one of these vehicles instead of walking through Wal-Mart is not the sign that you gave up on life, no. The real sign you gave up on life is that you’re sitting on a scooter in the drive-thru line at the local KFC – the same fast food joint that put you in your scooter in the first place.

Ricky Gervais would agree with me, and as always, is more articulate than I am which he makes apparent in this excellent video.

You’ll also like:

Drunk stories that will make your butt explode (When I Was Drunk)
Most awesome wake up pranks compilation (Break)
How to get laid (AskMen)
Candy Ace is a 12 out of 10 (Gorillamask)
7 New Professors on Rate My Professor (CollegeHumor)
7 Sex tips that will put you in the hospital (Cracked)

This is what happens when Alex Rodriguez gets a hold of your pets. That or the people feeding these beasts can probably be found on this list of 10 gigantic humans.

You’ll also like:

Most awesome wake up pranks compilation (Break)
How to get laid (AskMen)
Candy Ace is a 12 out of 10 (Gorillamask)
7 New Professors on Rate My Professor (CollegeHumor)
7 Sex tips that will put you in the hospital (Cracked)

There’s actually a new show about this on the Discovery Channel called Whale Wars. I haven’t seen it yet but I heard it’s pretty good.

Via Unstructed.

Living off of Britney Spears’ monthly cash installments, Kevin Federline is showing the world that men can do what women have been doing for decades. The New York Post reports,

Britney Spears has put ex-hubby Kevin Federline on a diet because he’s gained a whopping 85 pounds. The 5-foot-10 former backup dancer, who weighed 150 pounds when they married in 2004, now tips the scales at about 235 pounds.

Back when they were married, Kevin used to chide Britney about her weight, but now the dinner table has turned. These days, it is Britney who is making the jokes – calling him ‘K-Fatter-line’ and other names.

“She’ll ask him, ‘When is the baby due?’” revealed a source.

“Britney called him ‘a fat housewife,’” said the source. “ says he’s gained weight because he is happy and content, but Britney says he is just fat and lazy. Britney insisted he go on a diet and stop showing their kids it’s OK to be fat and sloppy.”

Kevin says he doesn’t have to worry about his looks,” said the source, “because women still love him.”

When you stick a woman on the cover of a magazine, you want her to be and look as attractive as possible — this encourages guys to buy the magazine.

When you’re Maxim Magazine and you want to feature Britney Spears on the cover despite the fact that she’s fat, has had too many kids, and is more than a little bit insane, what do you do?

You search back in your files, find a Britney Spears photoshoot from 2002, photoshop her up and release her issue in Germany. No one will ever know the difference.

Many youngsters have something about their physical appearance that they wish they could change, except maybe Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell, God he’s gorgeous. Some kids have acne, some are too short, and others have glasses (some are even unfortunate enough to have red hair).

Given that nobody is perfect, some higher power has blessed us with a scapegoat for all of our shortcomings, the fat kid. Whatever physical attribute you may have which draws ridicule, there is always the fat kid to vent your anger on. So if you have an inverted butt nose like Gerard Depardieu, or if you’re like James Carville and look like Golum from the Lord of the Rings, then here are some videos that might cheer you up.

1) “I had a mark for like…….20 minutes!” Holy Cow, and no I don’t mean the kid. Mom needs to lay one on him that will last 20 days not 20 minutes.

2) Jesus Christ this little pork rind is making me nervous just watching him! He looks like he’s about to lose his lunch, his brothers lunch and the lunch he stole from the guy dressed as Tigger.

3) Picking on the fat kid at its best. My Spanish is sub par at best but you really don’t need to speak the language in order to figure out what Juanito here is saying.

4) You go out into the woods with your friends. One of your buddies has a video camera and the other has an airsoft gun. Now maybe it’s because a**holes can smell their own, but you couldn’t have paid me to drag my fat ass into the middle of a creek and act like a douche bag on a tiny little boulder and expect nothing to happen. Social Darwinism at its best my friends.

5) I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that this video was posted on the internet and that people find it amusing or that the kids parents allowed him to A) Be filmed B) Make Rosie O’Donnell look like Calista Flockhart.

6) You know when you’re about to go on a roller coaster and they have those signs that say you need to be at least this tall? After this I’m starting to wonder if they should have a similar sign that reads, “you need to be less than this wide.”

7) Why you never act cocky when you’re fat, tuck your shirt in and have red hair. That’s like a nerd trifecta.

8) This father is an absolute genius! Think about, your kid is a little chubby and maybe he doesn’t like physical activity all that much. The solution is quite simple; just scare the calories right out of him. Perform this 3-4 times a day and he’ll be skinnier than Lara Flynn Boyle’s thigh.

9) This little gem of a video is old but cannot be discounted. Apparently “Star Wars Kid’s” family filed a lawsuit against the students who posted the video on the internet. Come on, if you found a video like this laying around your film class could you keep it to yourself? Hell no! After finding this, once I had cleaned myself up from having laughed so hard I s**t my pants, I would have slammed it right on youtube! The kids who gave this beautiful gift to the world should be rewarded not sued!

10) I wonder if this kid prefers his chicks with bound feet? Chinese television is naturally funny because it’s Chinese. Throw a little fat kid into the mix and it’s cinematic genius. It’s videos like these that truly show the genius and artistic qualities a producer must have.

Back in January I compiled an insanely successful image list of the top 12 signs people should begin dieting. Over the next few months I realized that those 12 instances were not the 12 best examples. While they were 12 great examples, I’ve found a few more stunning moments in morbid obesity.

Are they funny? I guess that depends on who’s looking at them.

Are they absolutely disgusting? Why, of course.

10. Your neck has a neck cushion so you can sleep wherever

9. You are judged even though you’re the judge

8. Your arm and back together looks like an ass

7. Your drink only fits on the table once you’ve eaten enough

6. You weight more than a Kawasaki Ninja

5. Om nom nom nom nom

4. You have a gunt

3. You just don’t fit in…

2. You’ve been on a safari, as the animal

1. Your head is… on backwards? wait a sec…