If it weren’t for classic American stereotype-types, canceled gym memberships, Human Tetris and Wienerschitzel two-a-days, I honestly do not think I would make it through the week, but thankfully all these things exist in one great GIF.

You’d think she would have cookie cutter type games figured out by now.

Nice form, but remember, backfat doesn’t belong in the leg slot.

They See Me Rollin’ Part 2:

You know it’s time to go on a diet when you have to use a rascal scooter to get around and you’re not disabled. Let me rephrase that. You know you and your daughter need to diet when you have to use a rascal scooter to get around and you’re not disabled and you use said rascal scooter to tow your daughter around town in a wheelchair, and she’s not disabled.

Let me rephrase that again, You know you and your daughter need to diet when you have to use a rascal scooter to get around and you’re not disabled and you use said rascal scooter to tow your daughter around town in a wheelchair, and she’s not disabled, and you have to use said rascal-wheelchair-train in the street because you’re too wide to fit on the sidewalk…

Let me rephrawwww fuck it.

Remember that scene in Beerfest where Barry (Jay Chandrasekhar) gets drunk at a bar, hits on and takes home a gorgeous woman only to wake up next to Mo’Nique? Dazed, his flashback shows his beer goggled self wearing a 12-pack-hat, pissed your pants drunk and dancing with the 1800 lb gorilla.

Well sadly this is a reality for many men. Fortunately for us, these men have friends who own cameras, so it’s only fitting that we pay tribute to these noble men who have never heard the phrase, fat girls need love too, just not from me.

I applaud those willing to jump on a grenade, but I respect those who unselfishly sacrifice themselves by diving on an IED.

And for your consideration…

You know you’re in need of some serious lifestyle changes when you’re getting mistaken as prey by illegal beluga whale poachers… The harpoons, man them.

B92 has the whole story,

PODGORICA — A 28-year-old Serbian woman was seriously injured in the Montenegrin seaside town of Budva yesterday when a local diver shot her with a harpoon.

The woman, identified as Maja Georgi from the town of Pančevo, was swimming some 20 meters from the shore when the harpoon pierced her left shoulder, in what local media described as an accident.

Georgi underwent complicated surgery in the nearby town of Kotor, said reports, and her condition is now stable and non-life threatening.

The man who shot the harpoon was identified as Milan Lalović. He was questioned by local police and released, said reports.

Podgorica’s Vijesti newspaper quotes eyewitnesses who said the man injured the tourist accidentally, and immediately tried to help her.

Moral of the story? Never go for the shoulder — instead aim for the soft underbelly. It’s a kill shot.

You know, True Love, the website with a product selector similar to apple.com where you get to modify your Asian mail-order bride with a bunch of custom add-ons like:

Speaks broken English: Included
Speaks decent English: Add $15
Speaks no English: Subtract $45

It might seem like a good, economical idea but the tax is what’ll get ya.

Like our Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much series, our 10 Signs You Need To Go On A Diet series is always popular. Because it is our first installment of this series in the new year, I decided to lengthen the list by featuring an additional 10 images of morbidly obese people that you’ll wish you never saw (you can thank me for not including: this picture).

Do not think of this gallery as a low-brow form of entertainment that picks on an easy (and quite large) target, but rather as inspiration for lifestyle improvement (eh, who am I kidding…).

Remember kids, no matter what Kirstie Alley says, mayonnaise is not a salad dressing.

Click Here: For part one of the series.

Click Here: For part two of the series.

Click Here: For part three of the series.

20. You Are The Whole Rockband

19. ‘G’ Is For Ghetto Booty, Not Gucci

18. The ‘Robot’ < The ‘Globot’

17. So Many Levels Of Wrong

16. Morbidly Obeast

15. You Must Be Carted

14. Your Car Has A Joystick

13. You’re Slow, Even At Looking At The Camera

12. Seagull Target

11. Halloween Costumes Always Involve Moo-Moos

10. You’re Hurting That Rock

9. There’s No ‘Fatass’ In ‘Badass’

8. Nothing Says “I’m Lonely” Like Cowboy Boots

7. You Are A Goomba

6. More Lumpy Than Square…

5. Wat?

4. Smuggling Mexican Kids In There, Are We Now?

3. You Have Been Beached

2. “Schwartzman, quit farting around and lift her.”

1. The Ginger Gene Just Wasn’t Bad Enough

A classic case of the hunter becoming the hunted… Just with extra pickles and a shitload of mayo.

What do you get when you grab the biggest girl you can find, throw her on a swingset and push her until she reaches maximum verticality?

Chocolate soufflé pancake.

The fact that someone is videotaping this s’quatch sighting is your first clue that big Papa John will not successfully accomplish his goal.

But still, the best part about the video is the portly ginger’s indifference toward the fall, and his striking resemblance to the person he will undoubtedly become after 35 more years of Wienerschnitzel chili cheese dogs.

Video after the jump.