Titan's Owner Bud Adams flashing the middle finger

When two last place teams with losing records square off, you can’t expect the winning team to know proper post-game celebration etiquette, and Titan’s owner Bud Adams is no exception.

It’s like when a defensive lineman recovers a fumble, runs it back for what looks like is going to be a touchdown, high-steps, holds the ball out in front of him only to have it batted away on the 1 yard line.

Some people just aren’t used to winning and consequently don’t know how to properly celebrate.

Bud Adams we salute your 41-17 win, and I know how it is. I’m a Dodger fan. I understand.

Next time try a Benjamin, or at least a Hamilton… Maybe even a Lincoln, that ref looks like a pushover…

Grow a Beard:

We’re not talking about some bitch-ass Ryan Seacrest five o’clock shadow. Nay, we refer to the kind of beard which could sand a coffee table and be strong enough to rescue drowning pandas at the zoo. Timothy Treadwell might have made the Man Hall of Fame for living with (and eventually getting mauled by) Grizzly bears, but it is Grizzly Adams who we remember most, his beard the stuff of legend.

No beard = Death             Beard = Immortal

Tap a Keg:

Few things can beat the sweet sweet taste of a cold beer. However, nothing dampens the experience more when some moron has gotten between you and your (tenth) beer by foaming up the keg. Proper execution is key, for you are a beer ambassador, and the whole party depends upon your finely honed skill.

Throw a Spiral:

Fall means two things: The end of miniskirts and bikinis and the start of football. While the former makes me shed a tear, the latter puts a sparkle in that same eye. Tailgates are essential, and inevitably someone will want to toss the pigskin around. When it’s your turn to catch it, do everyone a favor by returning the throw without struggling like Michael J. Fox at a Jenga tournament. You don’t have to be Dan Marino, but a nice spiral proves you belong at a (real) football game.

Drive Stick:

This comes with a caveat. While you may know how to drive a manual, the car attached is of equal importance. New Corvette means you have a small penis, while a hybrid means you’re a flavor of the week loser… with a small penis.

Build a Fire:

The Boy Scouts are a paradox. While they teach manly things like hunting, tying knots, and survival, they offset all of that with patches and gay scarves. So unless you were a member (we won’t tell, scouts honor), there’s a good chance you know how to do none of the above and probably can’t build a fire without lighter fluid and matches.

Grill:

While the latter category frowned upon fire technology, this one embraces it. In fact, the more gadgets and knobs the better, unless your food comes out tasting like Cambodian hooker taint. Important to note, propane is unacceptable for any reason (sorry, Hank Hill).

Win a Fight:

In order to check this off your list, you must fight against someone with equal or greater stature. That means no women. So while you may think you’re Mike Tyson, the only thing you have in common is domestic abuse.

With tons of wagers on football, you’ve probably guessed why sportsbooks pay so much attention to the action on the pigskin. It’s where books assign only the best oddsmakers, and it’s where they make the majority of their money.
Because football betting is public in nature – with every American and their neighbor a supposed expert – the market plays an extremely large role in setting the price, or point-spread. That’s the first and most important lesson of football betting 101: Always remember the point-spread is a reflection of public perception of the quality of the teams in question, and isn’t a prediction on the part of oddsmakers.

When you see the New England Patriots as 7-point favorites for their game against the Miami Dolphins, it means oddsmakers have assessed the public opinion of the matchup. In this particular case, the public expects the Patriots to beat the Dolphins by a touchdown, so in order for bettors to cash in on New England, it has to win by more than seven points. Anything less than seven points and the Dolphins have covered the spread, even if they lose the game outright.

After sportsbooks release a line, or spread, they let the public tell them how accurate it is. For instance, oddsmakers could open the Pats as 7-point favorites, only to receive a vast majority of plays on New England. This means the public thinks the Patriots are going to win by more than seven points, and that’s why they’re putting their money with them.

The ideal scenario for books is to take in equal action on both sides, so as to maximize their profit regardless of which team wins against the spread (ATS). This way the Dolphins-Patriots game pays for itself; if New England wins against the spread, the house can use the money wagered on Miami to pay the winners, while keeping some juice or vigorish for itself.

Juice is the industry term designated for the commission the house takes for handling a wager. In most cases, sportsbooks take 10 cents on the dollar for bets against the spread, meaning you have to put down $110 to make $100. Knowing this, it’s pretty easy to see why sportsbooks have an interest in hauling in equal money on each side of the ledger.

Oddsmakers attempt to achieve this balance by adjusting the line depending on how bettors react to their initial posting. Again, if the Pats open as 7-point favorites, but two-thirds of wagers come in on New England, that’s not optimal for the house. Oddsmakers could then move the line in the Patriots’ favor, making the Dolphins bigger underdogs so it’s easier for them to cover the spread.

The same principle applies to the total or over/under, which is a wager on the combined number of points two opponents will score in a head-to-head matchup. If oddsmakers set the total at 40.5 points for the aforementioned Miami-New England game, it means a wager that plays the “over” needs the teams to combine for 41 or more points for the bet to cash. Any combined score of 40 points or less and the game plays “under” the number listed by oddsmakers.

For more info on Week 2 of the 2009-2010 NFL Season, check out the video below courtesy of BetUS.

The Pats have made 16 playoff appearances, won 11 Division Championships, 6 Conference Championships, and have won 3 Superbowl titles (all of which have come in the last 10 years).

To honor their success, Gillette created this tributary video.

In case you were wondering, the cast includes:

Players singing – Matt Light, Adalius Thomas, Dan Koppen, and Logan Mankins
Cheers Star - John Ratzenberger (Cliff), shot of the Bull & Finch Bar
Super Fans - The Flag Lady (Karen Hourigan) and The License Plate Guy (Jason Scheinbart)

New York Times Best-Selling author and now filmmaker scored on the Florida Gators before the season even started.

From his movie blog:

No matter what else happens on this tour, with this movie, or in my life, I don’t care. I can die happy, because last night I did what no other Kentuckian has done in years: I scored at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp.

I mean this literally. I snuck in to the stadium, with a girl, and fucked her on the goal line of the south end zone. Right below the goal posts, underneath the national championship signs.

If this gets me in trouble, I don’t care. If the Gainesville PD puts out a warrant for my arrest for some bullshit misdemeanor, so be it, I will turn myself in and deal with it. If it means I get banned from UF, that would suck, but those are consequences I have to live with. No matter what happens, it will all be worth it, because now, every time I watch UF play, even though goddamn Tim Tebow may be unstoppable, even though UF has more team speed than a pack of cheetahs and destroys my beloved Wildcats every year, I know that they have to cross the place where I had sex with a girl to do it.

Gives new meaning to hitting the tight end across the middle. Kudos to Mr. Max for doing more than the Sooners could muster in last year’s National Championship Game. We can only imagine that Lane Kiffin and his ridiculously hot wife are next to attempt this, recruiting violations be damned.

The lineman sitting on your face is just a bonus.

When he was in high school, you know this guy used to get juked during games (well, the one game he got to play in) and then beat up in the locker room afterward.

Instead of being a good father and teaching his son to do to others what others did to him, he’s doing to his son what others did to him. And he’s an asshole.

Touchdown!

Oh, and nice cell phone hoster… 21st century technology and the Dollar Trilogy’s ‘Man With No Name’ doesn’t mix. But it’s just so practical!

After traveling for 9 hours on a journey from his home in South Yorkshire to North Scotland, Stuart, 39, was ready for an exciting sexual weekend with Emma, the attractive twenty-something he had been exchanging provocative messages with on a nightly basis via Facebook.

When he arrived at a farm in a remote area of Aberdeen where Emma had told Stuart she lived, he found the place run down, locked up, and deserted. Moments later, Emma texted him explaining that she had been delayed at work and that he would have to wait for her.

So he waited and waited inside of his car for three hours.

As the day shifted into night, Staurt was becoming increasingly anxious and he decided to give Emma a call to see when she would be home.

He dialed the number he had been texting, but when he heard the ringer stop he was horrified to hear a man with a Liverpool accent answer and say, “Hello Stuart, do you remember us? It’s them Scouse lads who threw you in the pool. You’ve been framed.”

Last November, Stuart met two cage fighters (and equally opinionated soccer fans) from Liverpool at the hotel he was vacationing at in Cancun. After a few days of soccer banter, the two fighters became increasingly annoyed with Stuart’s boasting about Man U. and after their argument erupted, decided to throw him into the hotel pool.

During the scuffle, Stuart broke his ankle and shattered a rib, but the beating he took didn’t end there.

When the two cage fighters returned to Merseyside, they created a fictional Facebook profile under the name Emma and sent him seductive messages while claiming to share a love for Manchester United. Daily Express reports that,

“During the nightly email exchanges that followed, “Emma” told Stuart how she couldn’t wait to meet up and make more of their budding relationship.

To make matters even worse, as Stuart drove to Scotland he was even persuaded in a text message to use his mobile telephone to send a rude photograph of himself to “Emma”, who he mistakenly thought was excitedly waiting for him to arrive north of the border.”

Stuart Slann, father of one, has since been divorced by his wife Louise, 34, after she found out about the intended affair.

Stuart responded by saying, “There’s no doubt I’ve been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool… It was cruel, but I’ll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up.”

To make matters worse, his photos and the tape of the conversation where Stuart realizes who Emma really is have been posted online by the two pranksters, and are kindly provided below.

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Officials at the cable provider’s headquarters explained that 30 seconds of full-frontal male pornography from Club Jenna, an adult cable television channel, were shown on the local Super Bowl telecast to families and children of all ages–a scarring that will surely confuse young boys into believing that every time Larry Fitzgerald scores, massive white cocks will be pulled out of jeans and tossed around like thundersticks at Los Angeles Lakers games.

“The Star newsroom was flooded with calls from irate viewers who said that the porn cut into the game with less than three minutes left to play.

Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two.

“I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,” said Cora King of Marana. “Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.”

If you weren’t unlucky enough to be subjected to the massive white flesh-flute, follow this link if you must–the full video is provided (NSFW).

Something tells me Matt Leinart was behind this.