Posts Tagged ‘funny’

“The sub-species is created in midget-mills and survives off a strict diet of sugar packets and Keebler brand cookies…”

After contestants in an April episode of NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice created a detergent ad called “Jesse James and the Midgets,” miniature activists from Little People of America went to the Federal Communications Commission to ban the use of the word “midget” on broadcast TV, claiming the word is just as offensive as racial slurs.

The contestants on the show, including Joan Rivers, who believes the sub-species is created in midget-mills and survives off a strict diet of sugar packets and Keebler brand cookies suggested bathing little people in detergent and hanging them up to dry.

The Detroit Free Press reports that “calls to the FCC and Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump were not immediately answered today. NBC Universal representatives didn’t immediately respond to e-mail messages, and the telephone rang unanswered at their Los Angeles office.”

Until someone decides to answer their phone, we suggest using more appropriate terms such as, Pocket-Pal, Tiny-Timber, or Lenny Loompa.

Jack In The Box’s commercial midgetploitation was not deemed offensive by Little People of America because “at the end of the day, work is work. The burgers are just the right size and really are that good.”

I was stumbling through the Something Awful Forums when I came across a thread called Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms and, like so many times before, knew I needed to suck the thread and give it some attention.

I pulled ten or fifteen of my favorite submissions, did a little photoshopping, and added a few myself in order to compile what I believe are the Top 20 Safe For Work Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms.

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

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Official Answer Key:

20. Beat Your Meat
19. Three Hole Punch
18. Hairy Beaver
17. Donkey Punch
16. Golden Shower
15. Choking Your Chicken
14. Furburger
13. Horizontal Mambo
12. Hung Like A Horse
11. Cleveland Steamer
10. No Pants Dance
9. Bust A Nut
8. Laying Pipe
7. Hot Beef Injection
6. Sucking Dick
5. Cleaning Your Rifle
4. Dirty Sanchez
3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…
1. The Rusty Trombone

With ill-smooth rhymes, Denny Blazin’ Hazen is da dopest trick to hit da blawk. When my peeps and me be rollin’ straight breezin’ dis shit be blastin’ like Little Man n’ Fat Boy son! He ain’ no primadonna high roller, he beeze average juz like me! No tycoon daddy and no silva’ spoon, he even eats his froot loops juz lyke me!

Keep it real Hazen and keep Blazin’!

Many youngsters have something about their physical appearance that they wish they could change, except maybe Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell, God he’s gorgeous. Some kids have acne, some are too short, and others have glasses (some are even unfortunate enough to have red hair).

Given that nobody is perfect, some higher power has blessed us with a scapegoat for all of our shortcomings, the fat kid. Whatever physical attribute you may have which draws ridicule, there is always the fat kid to vent your anger on. So if you have an inverted butt nose like Gerard Depardieu, or if you’re like James Carville and look like Golum from the Lord of the Rings, then here are some videos that might cheer you up.

1) “I had a mark for like…….20 minutes!” Holy Cow, and no I don’t mean the kid. Mom needs to lay one on him that will last 20 days not 20 minutes.

2) Jesus Christ this little pork rind is making me nervous just watching him! He looks like he’s about to lose his lunch, his brothers lunch and the lunch he stole from the guy dressed as Tigger.

3) Picking on the fat kid at its best. My Spanish is sub par at best but you really don’t need to speak the language in order to figure out what Juanito here is saying.

4) You go out into the woods with your friends. One of your buddies has a video camera and the other has an airsoft gun. Now maybe it’s because a**holes can smell their own, but you couldn’t have paid me to drag my fat ass into the middle of a creek and act like a douche bag on a tiny little boulder and expect nothing to happen. Social Darwinism at its best my friends.

5) I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that this video was posted on the internet and that people find it amusing or that the kids parents allowed him to A) Be filmed B) Make Rosie O’Donnell look like Calista Flockhart.

6) You know when you’re about to go on a roller coaster and they have those signs that say you need to be at least this tall? After this I’m starting to wonder if they should have a similar sign that reads, “you need to be less than this wide.”

7) Why you never act cocky when you’re fat, tuck your shirt in and have red hair. That’s like a nerd trifecta.

8) This father is an absolute genius! Think about, your kid is a little chubby and maybe he doesn’t like physical activity all that much. The solution is quite simple; just scare the calories right out of him. Perform this 3-4 times a day and he’ll be skinnier than Lara Flynn Boyle’s thigh.

9) This little gem of a video is old but cannot be discounted. Apparently “Star Wars Kid’s” family filed a lawsuit against the students who posted the video on the internet. Come on, if you found a video like this laying around your film class could you keep it to yourself? Hell no! After finding this, once I had cleaned myself up from having laughed so hard I s**t my pants, I would have slammed it right on youtube! The kids who gave this beautiful gift to the world should be rewarded not sued!

10) I wonder if this kid prefers his chicks with bound feet? Chinese television is naturally funny because it’s Chinese. Throw a little fat kid into the mix and it’s cinematic genius. It’s videos like these that truly show the genius and artistic qualities a producer must have.

Back in January I compiled an insanely successful image list of the top 12 signs people should begin dieting. Over the next few months I realized that those 12 instances were not the 12 best examples. While they were 12 great examples, I’ve found a few more stunning moments in morbid obesity.

Are they funny? I guess that depends on who’s looking at them.

Are they absolutely disgusting? Why, of course.

10. Your neck has a neck cushion so you can sleep wherever

9. You are judged even though you’re the judge

8. Your arm and back together looks like an ass

7. Your drink only fits on the table once you’ve eaten enough

6. You weight more than a Kawasaki Ninja

5. Om nom nom nom nom

4. You have a gunt

3. You just don’t fit in…

2. You’ve been on a safari, as the animal

1. Your head is… on backwards? wait a sec…