After contestants in an April episode of NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice created a detergent ad called “Jesse James and the Midgets,” miniature activists from Little People of America went to the Federal Communications Commission to ban the use of the word “midget” on broadcast TV, claiming the word is just as offensive as racial slurs.

The contestants on the show, including Joan Rivers, who believes the sub-species is created in midget-mills and survives off a strict diet of sugar packets and Keebler brand cookies suggested bathing little people in detergent and hanging them up to dry.

The Detroit Free Press reports that “calls to the FCC and Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump were not immediately answered today. NBC Universal representatives didn’t immediately respond to e-mail messages, and the telephone rang unanswered at their Los Angeles office.”

Until someone decides to answer their phone, we suggest using more appropriate terms such as, Pocket-Pal, Tiny-Timber, or Lenny Loompa.

Jack In The Box’s commercial midgetploitation was not deemed offensive by Little People of America because “at the end of the day, work is work. The burgers are just the right size and really are that good.”

I was stumbling through the Something Awful Forums when I came across a thread called Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms and, like so many times before, knew I needed to suck the thread and give it some attention.

I pulled ten or fifteen of my favorite submissions, did a little photoshopping, and added a few myself in order to compile what I believe are the Top 20 Safe For Work Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms.

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Official Answer Key:

20. Beat Your Meat
19. Three Hole Punch
18. Hairy Beaver
17. Donkey Punch
16. Golden Shower
15. Choking Your Chicken
14. Furburger
13. Horizontal Mambo
12. Hung Like A Horse
11. Cleveland Steamer
10. No Pants Dance
9. Bust A Nut
8. Laying Pipe
7. Hot Beef Injection
6. Sucking Dick
5. Cleaning Your Rifle
4. Dirty Sanchez
3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…
1. The Rusty Trombone

Keep it real Hazen and keep Blazin’!

Given that nobody is perfect, some higher power has blessed us with a scapegoat for all of our shortcomings, the fat kid. Whatever physical attribute you may have which draws ridicule, there is always the fat kid to vent your anger on. So if you have an inverted butt nose like Gerard Depardieu, or if you’re like James Carville and look like Golum from the Lord of the Rings, then here are some videos that might cheer you up.

1) “I had a mark for like…….20 minutes!” Holy Cow, and no I don’t mean the kid. Mom needs to lay one on him that will last 20 days not 20 minutes.

2) Jesus Christ this little pork rind is making me nervous just watching him! He looks like he’s about to lose his lunch, his brothers lunch and the lunch he stole from the guy dressed as Tigger.

3) Picking on the fat kid at its best. My Spanish is sub par at best but you really don’t need to speak the language in order to figure out what Juanito here is saying.

4) You go out into the woods with your friends. One of your buddies has a video camera and the other has an airsoft gun. Now maybe it’s because a**holes can smell their own, but you couldn’t have paid me to drag my fat ass into the middle of a creek and act like a douche bag on a tiny little boulder and expect nothing to happen. Social Darwinism at its best my friends.

5) I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that this video was posted on the internet and that people find it amusing or that the kids parents allowed him to A) Be filmed B) Make Rosie O’Donnell look like Calista Flockhart.

6) You know when you’re about to go on a roller coaster and they have those signs that say you need to be at least this tall? After this I’m starting to wonder if they should have a similar sign that reads, “you need to be less than this wide.”

7) Why you never act cocky when you’re fat, tuck your shirt in and have red hair. That’s like a nerd trifecta.

8) This father is an absolute genius! Think about, your kid is a little chubby and maybe he doesn’t like physical activity all that much. The solution is quite simple; just scare the calories right out of him. Perform this 3-4 times a day and he’ll be skinnier than Lara Flynn Boyle’s thigh.

9) This little gem of a video is old but cannot be discounted. Apparently “Star Wars Kid’s” family filed a lawsuit against the students who posted the video on the internet. Come on, if you found a video like this laying around your film class could you keep it to yourself? Hell no! After finding this, once I had cleaned myself up from having laughed so hard I s**t my pants, I would have slammed it right on youtube! The kids who gave this beautiful gift to the world should be rewarded not sued!

10) I wonder if this kid prefers his chicks with bound feet? Chinese television is naturally funny because it’s Chinese. Throw a little fat kid into the mix and it’s cinematic genius. It’s videos like these that truly show the genius and artistic qualities a producer must have.

Are they funny? I guess that depends on who’s looking at them.

Are they absolutely disgusting? Why, of course.

10. Your neck has a neck cushion so you can sleep wherever

9. You are judged even though you’re the judge

8. Your arm and back together looks like an ass

7. Your drink only fits on the table once you’ve eaten enough

6. You weight more than a Kawasaki Ninja

5. Om nom nom nom nom

4. You have a gunt

3. You just don’t fit in…

2. You’ve been on a safari, as the animal

1. Your head is… on backwards? wait a sec…

Often times I make plans to pregame with friends, get drunk, and head to the bar to meet a few beautiful babies. But as we get drunker and drunker, we never manage to leave -- partly because bars close at 2am in California, but mostly because we’re too hammered to see.

This video works on the same principles, only it has a payoff that isn’t passing out face first in the kitchen.

On that note, commence a loneliness…

10. Any attention you get is bad attention

9. You get stood up at the mall… On Halloween..?

8. You’re gigantic

7. Your moobs are bigger and faker than Jenna Jameson’s

6. Signs know what you’re thinking

5. You go LARPing and you look like Don Vito

4. Delusions of grandeur

3. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be hardcore

2. Adolf keeps jacking your seat when you take a piss

1. They won’t let you in the bar so you make your own

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]]> http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/top-10-signs-youre-lonely/feed/ 9 http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/top-10-halloween-costumes-guaranteed-to-secure-yourself-a-celibate-holiday/ http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/top-10-halloween-costumes-guaranteed-to-secure-yourself-a-celibate-holiday/#comments Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:49:57 +0000 Brotha Jonze http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/?p=3136

Apparently Halloween is approaching quickly, and I’m still not exactly sure what day of the week it comes on because, well, I don’t keep track of days all that well. In any event, the following ten costumes will guarantee you don’t get laid at the end of the month.

But if you’re a betting man, just go for it and try to prove me wrong.

10. Nerd In A Portal

Props for thinking outside the box, but if you have any thoughts about getting laid on Halloween, try to refrain from wearing any costume that involves you having to explain why you’re not actually dressed up as a crippled guy sitting on the ground inside a cardboard box.

9. Apple Fanboy

Displaying your love for Macs (in this case, maybe just Steve Jobs) is great, but when the line is blurred and and you display what little junk you have, in addition to showing your Apple devotion, we say keep it in the carnival, buddy.

8. Gaping Vagina Guy

It’s edgy, it’s taboo, it’s an eye-catcher, but at the end of the day it’s just a guy in a gigantic gaping vagina.

7. Tampon Wielding Used Maxi-Pad

I’m beginning to have second thoughts about this one. Sure there is nothing attractive about used tampons, but stick an oversized black headband on a used Maxi Pad and you’re playing a whole different ballgame.

6. You Knew This One Was Coming…

Similar to how Renee Zellweger looks, this picture has been around the block. But alas, this costume cannot be omitted from a ‘how to not get laid on Halloween’ post.

Where it fails: The very fact that you are physically inside what you aim to get inside on Halloween guarantees that you will not get inside what you are already inside.

5. The Sheepfucker Partyboy

I don’t really know what to say about this. I mean, great costume, of course. But jesus man, you’re going home alone. And not because of the sheep, that’s not a big deal. Chicks just don’t want to see those white thighs until it’s too late.

4. The Village People

The reason why none of The Village People will get laid this Halloween is not just because each individual Village Person is a raging asspacker, no.

The real reason? Because you and your five buddies orchestrated a group theme that is sixty times gayer than orchestrating a six-man team theme already is…

Well, and because you’re a Village Person, which is just gay.

3. Michael Jackson

If there was ever a time not to dress up as Michael Jackson it would be everyday. But while dressing up as MJ on Halloween while a bunch of 9 year old boys brush past your legs looking for candy could potentially get you laid in a Michael Jackson sort of way, spending the rest of your life as a registered sex offender isn’t exactly a positive alternative to what we we’re talking about when we named this post Costumes Guaranteed To Secure A Celibate Halloween.

2. The Cup In Pants Makes Dick Look Like Vagina Costume

I understand that the alternative is showing off your tiny package to the world as it’s scooped up like a handful of pistachios by your green unitard, but wearing a cup underneath your Green Lantern costume makes your junk look like Lindsay Lohan’s vertical monkey mouth, and it won’t get you laid.

Though to be fair, I think the Green Lantern costume itself earns a trip home on the Sad Walk Home Alone Express...

1. Kim Jong-Il

Just kidding, if you can’t get laid as Kim J the aforementioned don’t stand a chance. This is probably the greatest costume I won’t see this Halloween in Santa Barbara because let’s face it, UCSB and SBCC kids don’t know who Kim Jong-Il is.

But to be fair, why would you when you’ve got sandy beaches, sunshine, booze and nappy headed hoes…

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Guy having fun with his TV…
The definitive Don Vito gallery
Marisa Miller Complex Mag. photo shoot
What’s wrong with this picture?
Lauren Jones is what most people call a BOMBSHELL!

Sophie Howard is famous for her breasts!
A bunch of links to some sexy women
Amazing uses for duct tape
Woman charged with nude bartending because she’s ugly
Win a copy of Pirates 2, not the one with Depp…
Teen caught for hacking Miley Cyrus