Just by looking at Gary Spivey you can be completely sure about one thing – that he has never been laid, which is great because this means that there’s no chance this guy can pass down the substandard Spivey DNA. Why someone would wear a wig that looks like a full head of Jay Leno’s pubes is beyond me. But it’s his wig, coupled with his innate ability to heal, that has given him the reputation that he has… which is none.

His website, garyspivey.com ranks in at 1,113,194th, earning him roughly 2 unique visitors per day. The two uniques, likely from Gary’s deeply saddened mother and father, give him hope… but just enough to keep him from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

2. Proving The Obvious

Based on the evidence at hand, the paternity test will conclude what all of us, except for the confused Richard, already know – Mom banged the UPS guy. The kid is clearly black, so how surprised can Richard be when he finally realizes the kid’s father is Tyrone from down the block?

The upside? At least now he won’t have to pretend that he’s interested in watching his son’s basketball games.

1. Taking Bestiality A Step Further

You’ve got to ask youself where you went wrong with your life after putting your johnson inside a rainbow-colored cardboard unicorn.

The question I wish I could have answered for me is, where did this go down? It would almost be less weird if it went down at an 8 year old’s birthday, because one, at least you went for the pinata and not a kid, and two because I like to think this was a drunken, spur of the moment decision. If this was a premeditated decision – the guy goes down to the local pinata store and selects the perfect candy filled character to wave his dick at – well, I’m kind of impressed that someone would do that. This is what you call “a man that knows what he wants and gets it.”