Last week we posted a gallery of Kim Kardashian wearing Dirndl (traditional German beer-maid outfit) and pounding a few liters at Munich’s annual Oktoberfest beertopia. This week we have Hayden Panettiere doing the same.

Complete gallery after the jump.

Time does interesting things to people — for some, time does to appearance what alcohol does to most socialites’ vision — it makes ugly people beautiful, but others are less fortunate.

The aging process can be cruel, and for many people (and by many people I mean Tara Reid), the aging process can transform the most attractive woman (not Tara Reid) in the world into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Alas… Here. We. Go…

Alyssa Milano

Victoria Beckham

Little Rascal/Wal-Mart clerk

Tobey Maguire

Steve Urkel

Scarlett Johansson

Punky Brewster

Jeremy Piven/Michael Barth?

Brad Pitt

Pamela Manderson

Jerry O’Connell

Nicole Eggert

Mike Rowe

Mark Hamill

Marilyn Manson

Lindsay Lohan

Lil’ John

Leo DiCaprio

Stephanie from Full House

Karen from The Office

John Travolta

John Stewart

Michael Jackson

Ice Man

Hulk Hogan

Hayden Panettiere

Ricky Gervais

Edward Furlong

Fat Ginger from various 90′s era kid’s movies

Eric Bana

Elijah Wood

Dick Cheney

Elisha Cuthbert

Plays the ‘Creepy Dude’ in every movie he’s in

Creed from The Office

Nikki Cox (damn shame)

Stephen Colbert

Clint Eastwood

Charlie from Willy Wonka

That Guy

Roided Carrots

Bret McKenzie

Christian F_cking Bale

Angelina Jolie

Anakin Skywalker (just landed a role as ‘clerk’ in the upcoming LA based Wal-Mart)

Amy Winehouse

Carlton from Fresh Prince

Barry Balco Bonds

Tara Reid

Hayden Panettiere shows of her no-cans in Cannes, France.

Many people will disagree with my belief that she looks like a little bodybuilder (in a Shawn Johnson sort of way), but Hayden Panettiere prefers baseball over getting roided.

These photos raise questions like a) does anyone care whatsoever, and b) if people do care whatsoever, should people who don’t care whatsoever care about the people who do care?

I think the answer is no, so you might as well click this and move along–semi-nsfw warning.

She can take my lightsaber anytime.

This mouse has little chance vs. this angry cat [Holy Taco]
Stuart Scott has a giant oak on his shirt… [Busted Coverage]
Hank Williams Jr. & MNF going Spanish, white America going to have fit [Machochip]
Usain Bolt dance moves that might catch on in the United States [MacGsWorld]
A fun Olympics game: Chick or Dude [Liquid Generation]
USC WR likes going shirtless around other dudes [Blog of Hilarity]

Top 25 MMA knockouts [Angry T]
The new Hasselhoff social network? [Brahsome]
Get wasted and play beer pong on your Wii [Boosh Magazine]
A mom and a shot glass trick [Tasty Booze]
Colorado State University cheerleader showing off (minor-NSFW) [Don Chavez]
This month’s hot chick in Esquire [Celebridiot]
The only thing big on Amanda are the twins [Gorilla Mask]

Kate Beckinsale went to a beach, wore a nice bikini [on205th]
If you are Australian it’s likely you know this model [CelebSlam]
You can’t coach Playboy Miss September [Uncoached]
This gallery should keep you busy [Coed]
And so will this one… [Bright Black Internet]
Mom would not approve of this chick [Hottest Girls of MySpace]

WWII Pinups [Asylum]

I can’t wait to see Gina Carano’s Next Victim – [On205th]

Little Discretion in College Shaming [SillyNinja]

5 Questions with Miss August at Party Cove USA- [Bustedcoverage]

Paris Hilton officially enters the presidential race – [COED Magazine]

Carmen Electra, still electric in a bikini – [Dirty Rotten]

Britney Spears leaving the gym, looking decent – [Drunkenstepfather]

Galilea Montijo false sex tape rumor, she’s still hot – [Cameltap]

These Girls like to play with exercise balls – [Don Chavez]

The 10 Hottest Movie and TV Cheerleaders of All Time – [All Balls]

Pure blonde sure as hell knows how to market itself – [Tastybooze]

Russia doesn’t mind sexual harassment at all – [Holy Taco]

Hilary Swank actually looks damned good here – [DJ Mick]

A solid list of movie stoners – [Nextround]

An amazing picture of two huge girls with a surprise in the middle – [Bright Black Internet]

Always try and follow your instinct – [Flabber]

Katie Price doing it in Miami – [Celebridiot]

Katerina Stikoudi is a Greek goddess – [My Chill Pill]

Round 1: Returner (Woman you can bring home to the parents.)

1. Natalie Portman, Jerusalem, Irsael (Peter)
Reason for drafting: Shes’ hot, a Harvard grad and because she’s Jewish, she’ll like my mom because she can’t stand her own.

SeanThomas: I thought you were part German? That’s going to go over REAL well.
Peter: No moron, you’re part German. I’m Irish.
SeanThomas: Oh yeah. Well, you’ll be drunk either way.
Brotha Jonze: I’m part German, so you can have her. I look for a woman who can cook, and as a returner, Natalie Portman and my industrial-sized oven wouldn’t get along. I should just invest in a nice Dutch oven to avoid any complications in my future.

2. Scarlett Johansson, New York, New York (SeanThomas)
Reason for drafting: She’s got bust written all over her, and I don’t really mind. Physically gifted, fluid hips, and she’s charming. She wins my dad’s heart without saying a word. Did I mention she dresses classy?

Brotha Jonze: Don’t get me wrong, she looks good now, but give her ten years and those chest hams will sag and she’ll put on a few pounds… which is unacceptable as a returner, you’re looking for quickness in the sack and consistency. Imagine her with a belly, the face just doesn’t hold up.
SeanThomas: She’s reached her ceiling, I’ll give you that. Hopefully her legs can reach mine.
Brotha Jonze: Touche, good sir. Touche.

3. Gemma Atkinson, Bury, Greater Manchester, England (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Her accent.

SeanThomas: Your parents must subscribe to the “she has an English accent and therefore smart” theory, which most Americans seem to have. Her intelligence is about as real as her chest.
Brotha Jonze: Which is perfect because I get all the benefits of others thinking she’s smart without actually being so. Why would you want a smart girl, Sean? If you dated a smart chick, she’d leave you before you got her in bed.
SeanThomas: Gemma seems to dig the soccer players. On the bright side, you might be the first straight guy she’s screwed.
Peter: Enjoy your raging case of the Cristiano Ronaldo strain.
Brotha Jonze: Hey, at least AIDS kills you. Better than living the rest of your life with a bumpy dick right?

Round 2: Shortstop (Woman under 5’2″)

1. Jaime Hammer, Chicago, Illinois (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: At 5’2″ and 34DD, I don’t know how she manages to stay upright. It’s great because she’ll be anxious to get on her back… Plus I already know what she looks like naked… which is nice (See JaimeHammer.com)

SeanThomas: Sorry, you won’t be able to have sex with Jaime. for you are not a) a porn star or b) her uncle. Enjoy your therapy sessions.
Brotha Jonze: Hey, as long as it’s massage therapy I’m cool.
Peter: Picking a porn star is a risky move, they’re known to have character issues, but they are team players.
Brotha Jonze: And disease free.
SeanThomas: I hear she handles the tip drill well.
Brotha Jonze: As well as my massive drill tip.

2. Hayden Panettiere, Palisades, New York (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: At 5’2 and only 18 years young, she’s got a great upside and even better backside. She saves dolphins (not the NFL variety, that’s impossible) for chrissakes. God made this perfect creature for me, and I shall take her god. I shall take her.

Peter: Sean continues his draft philosophy of taking girls right out of high school, and the occasional sixteen year old Dominican.
Brotha Jonze: Erroneous, the Dominican was actually a 23 year old Dodger prospect. A big mistake that, if you don’t remember, disqualified him from the 2003 draft. As far as high school goes though, he’s trying to get what he couldn’t when he went to high school.
SeanThomas: I subscribe to the Chris Hanson school of drafting, scout them when they’re young, pick them when they’re ripe.
Brotha Jonze: … and if one of then turns out to be a 23 year old Dominican male, roll with it.
SeanThomas: Don’t hate the player, hate the penis.

Between Picks:
Peter: Goddamn it, she’s 5’3.”
Brotha Jonze: Who?
Peter: Emmanuelle Chriqui.
SeanThomas: Just take the wife from Little People, Big World and get it over with.
Brotha Jonze: Haha
SeanThomas: On a side note, Jaime Hammer majored in communications at Arizona State. I don’t know which is a worse bottom; majoring in communications at ASU or being a porn star. My money’s on the former.
Brotha Jonze: Well yea, softcore ain’t that bad. ASU, whole different story.
SeanThomas: “I went on to graduate in the spring of 2004 Cum Laude with a BA in communications.” It’s only a matter of time before she starts hardcore.

3. Reese Witherspoon, New Orleans, Louisiana (Peter)

Reason for drafting: I have a candy fetish and want to call a girl’s Reese’s Pieces in bed.

SeanThomas: If you’re going the candy route, at least go for Heather Graham, she was Roller-girl for chrissakes. Instead you pick an over 30 divorcee with a kid?
Brotha Jonze: Plus she sounds like a mixture between Miss Piggy and Felix the Cat. Though to a man with a fetish, sounding like a barnyard animal probably isn’t such a bad thing.
SeanThomas: That’s not even counting her singing voice. Johnny Cash would beat her with the butt-end of his guitar if he was still alive for that atrocious performance.
SeanThomas: I see her listed at 5’3, again you’re trying to squeeze an inch on someone. Too bad we’re not your gullible ex-girlfriend.
SeanThomas: Peter, if you have any retorts, please feel free. If not, i haven’t seen a raping that bad since Kobe was released inside the Bunny Ranch.
Peter: I didn’t even realize that was an insult. I’m kind of a skimmer. When I saw “squeezing an inch” and “ex girlfriend” I assume Sean was bitching about his sex life again. Impressive muscle control on that girl, though.
Brotha Jonze: “Ex girlfriend” should have tipped that Sean wasn’t in the equation.

Round 3: Long Reliever (Tall Woman)

Between Picks:
Peter: What qualifies for tall girl?
SeanThomas: 5’11 and above.
Peter: 5’11″? You f-cker. Make it 5’10″.
SeanThomas: You’re not allowed to pick siblings, anyway.

1. Mandy Moore, Nashua, New Hampshire (Peter)

Reason for drafting: She’s 5’11.”

Brotha Jonze: Damn! Never knew she was that tall.
SeanThomas: There should be an automatic DQ for being associated with A Walk to Remember.
Peter: Yeah, I’ll give her A Cock to Remember.
Brotha Jonze: Not that 1″ BS again…
SeanThomas: Yeah, I doubt she’s seen one that small. That’s bound to emotionally scar anyone.
Peter: Plus I can marry her, have her die off in a year, and I get all her sh-t.
SeanThomas: Your wardrobe lacking sequins gowns these days? That’s about all she’s got to offer besides her bad choice in men.
Brotha Jonze: Which would surprisingly give Peter a shot.

2. Maria Sharapova, Siberia, Russia (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: At an amazing 6’1, Ronald Reagan wouldn’t hate the reds so much if he knew they’d produce this babe. Quite the forehand, I hear. That and it’s easy living off her $23 million salary. Hey, someone has to support the couch and TV…

Peter: And as an upside, you can get a lucrative contract with Canon to be the next insignificant and annoying pet that she lets watch when she has sex.
SeanThomas: As long as i have some place to sit and a box of tissues handy…
Brotha Jonze: Tissues to clean up some other guys mess?
SeanThomas: I heard she’s a squirter, just doing my part.
Brotha Jonze: Ok, I get it, like the ball boys that run across the grass at Wimbledon.

3. Janet Reno, Miami, Florida (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Coming in at an astounding 6’3″ and weighing upwards of 230 lbs, I choose Janet Reno as the closing pick of the 3rd round. Frankly I’m surprised this workhorse didn’t go earlier.

SeanThomas: Veteran pick, I like the experience.
Peter: You can only pick Reno for tall if you pick Albright for shortstop. You can call your bitches “The Cabinet.”
Brotha Jonze: Which, unfortunately, is where I will have to keep them if I keep choosing cattle like Reno.
SeanThomas: On the downside, if you pick Eva Mendes in a future round, she’ll send her ass packing back to Cuba.
Peter: I feel like Reno can carry the load for your team.
Brotha Jonze: Which is great because i don’t want her near my load. Strategy over sexuality, boys.

Round 4: Tightend (Best ass)

1. Brittany Daniel, Gainesville, Florida (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: I officially select Brittany Daniel with long hair because she has a smokin’ body and was in one episode of “Still the Beaver.”

Peter: She also played a tranny on “Always Sunny,” which I’m guessing is when you took an interest in her.
SeanThomas: Pre-op is just investing early. It’s like getting shares of Google in ’04.
Brotha Jonze: Right, or entering your senior year of college while dating a high school chick. Got to get ‘um fresh.
SeanThomas: I’m curious, after the operation, do you use the penis as wall decoration or do you throw it into your jambalaya?
Brotha Jonze: Sautee it with the sausage and shellfish, you’ll never know the difference.

2. Keyra Agustina, Buenos Aires, Argentina (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: With the second selection of the 4th round, I’m going out of the country to Argentina. She’s a sleeper pick (and can use her caboose as a pillow). If you don’t know her ass, Google it. It appears more times than her face.

Brotha Jonze:That ass hasn’t seen pants in so long, it’s oxidizing.
SeanThomas: There aren’t enough Chinese laborers in the world to sew her a pair of pants to fit that thing.
Brotha Jonze: Tell that to Oprah.
SeanThomas: Yeah, but she outsources to Africa. What, you thought that school was free?

3. Jessica Biel, Ely, Minnesota (Peter)

Reason for drafting: A girl who agreed to be in Stealth will agree to do anything.

SeanThomas: I’m not surprised Peter took Biel. He loves Justin Timberlake’s sloppy seconds. You thought those were Federline’s kids? The cleft palate and bangs were a dead giveaway it was Peter.
Brotha Jonze: That’s a great point Sean, and based on Timberlake’s Track record (see: Britney Spears) Biel’s degeneration has already begun.
SeanThomas: The Peter Principle in action.

Round 5: Special Teams (Girl with a handicap)

1. Marlee Matlin, Morton Grove, Illinois (Peter)

Reason for drafting: The thought of that voice talking dirty makes me giggle.

SeanThomas: It’s a good thing she’s deaf because she won’t be able to hear you cry after sex.
Brotha Jonze: It is nice to see a celebrity with some humility. Her next film, “Silent Knights” hits box offices later this year.

2. Jennifer Krum, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: The first of Howard Stern’s Miss Amputee. She’s got a wicked stiff arm. Plus she was in Playboy, that fulfills two fantasies.

Peter: Finally Sean has found a girl who can get her elbow past his sphincter.
SeanThomas: We can’t all be as loose as you.

Between picks:
SeanThomas: Ten bucks he’s going to take Corky from Life Goes On.

3. Agusta Urica, Luanda, Angola (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: I see you’re Miss Amputee and raise you Miss Landmine 2008.

SeanThomas: I thought about Agusta, but i want a woman with more agility.
Brotha Jonze: Something necessary for special teams. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,345628,00.html
Peter: Of course its on Fox News.
SeanThomas: I guess she doesn’t fit the profile for being fair or balanced. Timber!
Brotha Jonze: That’s true, but “Urica, who is unemployed and represents the capital, Luanda, also won $1,000, a motorbike, clothes, a weekend in a luxury hotel and a variety of domestic appliances.”
Peter: A motorbike? Do they want her to be the kickstand?
SeanThomas: I love how she gets domestic appliances, though. That’s like saying “you’re pretty much useless as a human being, we hope you like to cook and clean.”

Round 6: Designated Hitter (Woman who does drugs)

1. Mo’Nique, Woodlawn, Maryland (Peter)

Reason for drafting: I’m about to head out, so I’m going to trade up to this draft slot and take Mo’Nique as my designated hitter, for the sole reason that she looks like David Ortiz.

SeanThomas: Designated hitter is someone who does drugs, which explains your last pick, I guess.
Peter: Horse tranquilizers count.
SeanThomas: Going on a date with Sarah Jessica Parker tonight?

2. Charlize Theron, Benoni, South Africa (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: One thing a good DH is, is resourceful and flexible. You’re not playing everyday and so as my final pick I am going with Charlize Theron because hitting an apple is clutch, what else do you need from your DH?

SeanThomas: Well, at least Charlize smokes from apples, Gweneth Paltrow names her kids after them.

3. Tara Conner, Dallas, Texas (SeanThomas)

Reason for drafting: The former Miss USA winner is a bisexual coke addict.

Brotha Jonze: Is she a pageant winner or student at USC? I don’t expect her to go outside the foul lines often, she’ll probably just snort them.