Time does interesting things to people — for some, time does to appearance what alcohol does to most socialites’ vision — it makes ugly people beautiful, but others are less fortunate.

The aging process can be cruel, and for many people (and by many people I mean Tara Reid), the aging process can transform the most attractive woman (not Tara Reid) in the world into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Alas… Here. We. Go…

Alyssa Milano

Victoria Beckham

Little Rascal/Wal-Mart clerk

Tobey Maguire

Steve Urkel

Scarlett Johansson

Punky Brewster

Jeremy Piven/Michael Barth?

Brad Pitt

Pamela Manderson

Jerry O’Connell

Nicole Eggert

Mike Rowe

Mark Hamill

Marilyn Manson

Lindsay Lohan

Lil’ John

Leo DiCaprio

Stephanie from Full House

Karen from The Office

John Travolta

John Stewart

Michael Jackson

Ice Man

Hulk Hogan

Hayden Panettiere

Ricky Gervais

Edward Furlong

Fat Ginger from various 90’s era kid’s movies

Eric Bana

Elijah Wood

Dick Cheney

Elisha Cuthbert

Plays the ‘Creepy Dude’ in every movie he’s in

Creed from The Office

Nikki Cox (damn shame)

Stephen Colbert

Clint Eastwood

Charlie from Willy Wonka

That Guy

Roided Carrots

Bret McKenzie

Christian F_cking Bale

Angelina Jolie

Anakin Skywalker (just landed a role as ‘clerk’ in the upcoming LA based Wal-Mart)

Amy Winehouse

Carlton from Fresh Prince

Barry Balco Bonds

Tara Reid

Left: Sam and his peace sign, Right: Sam in his bikini

Lindsay Lohan was spotted on the beach with bikini clad boyfriend Sam Ronson. Though funny guy Jim Carrey did the bikini trick a few months ago, Jenny McCarthy wrapped around his waist is a surefire sign the comedian/actor is as straight as Clay Aiken isn’t.

Still, the fact that Sam Ronson was wearing a bikini at the beach raises questions as to whether he may be legitimately gay. Think about it – it has been rumored that Lohan is a lesbian, so imagine if her boyfriend turned out to be gay as well! Crazy right? Together they would be so gay that their gayness would counteract and negate one another, making their gay love somehow not gay…

…And that’s how the dinosaurs got extinct.

And because Pittsburgh is known for its thieves, Kansas City for its Police squad and Green Bay for its gay district, we decided that looking to what the great city of Los Angeles has to offer would inspire us.

The Los Angeles Failed Actors AKA the LA Thespians:

When considering what the LA Failed Actors uniform would be, I exhausted myself because actors wear so many different costumes. But then I realized that the most common outfit actors in Los Angeles wear are waiter’s clothes. Think about it, it’s perfect – The Cincinnati Bengals aren’t actually Tigers, they just dress up that way. And similarly, the LA Failed Actors aren’t really Waiters, they just dress that way, because in reality they’re actors, failed or not.

The only problem the Failed Actors might face as a team, could be their reliability on the field; they’d constantly be showing up late because they couldn’t afford cars so they’d ride bikes, and always miss games for auditions that they never would end up getting.

The Los Angeles Scenesters:

The LA Scenesters may run into problems because, as a general rule, emo scenesters don’t do helmets. In order to look as good as they think they do, they have to flat-iron half of their hair, then flap-jack it to one side, spike the tail of their man-mullet (pronounced Moo-Lei), and feather the other half of their hair, all the while leaving time to iron their black, collard Hot Topic shirt, put on their skinny tie, throw on their scarf and blazer and drive to the gas station to fill up their Scion XB and buy cigarettes. On the one hand however, they’ll already have the really tight pants and black eye makeup.

Plus, like the Arizona Diamondbacks being nicknamed the D-Backs, we could nickname the Los Angeles Scenesters the D-Bags.

The LA Addicts:

Because the entire Spears family would have defense under control, and the Lohan family, offense, a bench filled with the likes of Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, David Hasselhoff, Matthey Perry, Robert Downey Jr, Tim Allen, Eddie Van Halen, Nicole Richie, Kate Moss, Drew Barrymore, Whitney Houston, Colin Farrell, and Keith Richards could do what prison does to criminals, to celebrities trying to get clean – and I’m not talking about anal sex.

That said, keeping Hasselhoff on the bench is probably a good thing. We all saw how he handled that burger, just imagine him with the pigskin.

The Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles:

Not that anyone would want to be associated with Anaheim if they didn’t have to, this is more of a revenge name. As far as I’m (and city boundaries) concerned, there is only one baseball team in Los Angeles and they’re called the Dodgers. So to get back at the Angel baseball team, the The Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles football team could do to their uniforms, what the Anaheim Angel baseball team did to Los Angeles – downright steal.

This is definitely my favorite idea, but let’s entertain one last possible LA football team.

The Los Angeles Aliens (not that kind):

The great thing about illegally owning the Los Angeles Aliens is that you could get away with paying the league minimum… for one player, distributed throughout the entire team. Additionally, if a player were to get injured, you could just run down to Home Depot and pick out a replacement. However, they may be a difficult bunch to coach because of both the language barrier and because Horchata doesn’t have the same replenishing nutrients that Gatorade has. No mames.

The upside? Yell “la migra!” and Jose the running back will shift it into 6th gear.

You’ll also like:

The Stank Top: this is how you know the economy is failing

Problem Solved?

Piper

Answer: Baby name. Gillian Anderson named her kid Piper Maru, after the title of the fifteenth episode of “X-Files.” Yes, you read that correctly. She named her kid after a show about investigating aliens, which leads me to believe that Chris Carter jokingly told her that he would write another X-Files screenplay if she’d name her kid something ridiculous. Who’s got the last laugh now, Chris?

Chloe

Answer: Dog. Lindsay Lohan’s to be exact. Although she strikes me as more of a cat owner (something about exiting cars sans panties, ya dig?). Luckily, Rachel Weisz didn’t name her kid anything crazy, although Henry Chance is a bit pretentious. There’s a chance (oh!) that he’ll grow up normal. Then you realize that his dad is Darren Aronofsky, who wrote Requiem for a Dream, and you know that kid’s going to be f-cked up.

Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo

Answer: Baby names. Jamie and Jools Oliver (I’ll give you $10 if you can guess which is which) probably named their kids after their pet names for each other. It sounds endearing until you start to think about the ramifications. Jamie tries to seductively kiss Jool’s neck calling her “Daisey Boo” which immediately brings to mind her toddler daughter and sh-t filled diapers. Smooth.

Coco

Answer: Both. Courtney Cox and special needs husband David Arquette named their daughter Coco. Which, reportedly, is short for Courtney Cox. At least I can sleep easy at night knowing that Courtney Cox is doing all she can to tear down the Hollywood stereotype of narcissism. The dog belongs to Christina Aguilera, which is pretty normal until you realize that she named her son Max Liron. I’m guessing she’s holding out hope that he’ll become a superhero someday, a daring one who defeats evildoers and exchanges currency. Maybe a tandem with Moxie Crimefighter (the name given to Penn Jillette’s daughter)?

Buttermilk

Answer: Dog. Thank god (dog?). Buttermilk is a cockapoo (I’m not even going to touch that one) owned by Ashley Judd. Although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before a dumbass celebrity decides to name a child after their favorite kind of pancakes. My money would be on Frank Zappa if he was still alive because he named his daughter after a breakfast food, Diva Muffin. Yum.

Some of the below sites contain mature content. We do not host adult content at Banned In Hollywood, but if you are not of the legal age to view such content in your territory, please do not click on any of the below links.

Thanks.

Abigail Clancy – DAMN!
Angelina Jolie – Topless in France
Ashley Dupre – She’s really a ho fo sho.
Ashley Alexandra Dupre – Topless
Audrina Patridge – Showing off her panties!
Audrina Patridge – Posing Naked!
Audrina Patridge – Or Hot and nude!
Audrina Patridge - Newest Nude Shoot!
Angelina Jolie – Changing Topless
Aubrey O’Day – See though
Beyonce Knowles – On Stage Nip Slip!
Britney Spears – No Bra!
Britney Spears – Put away you vag please
Britney Spears – We’re begging you…
Britney Spears – Now this is just getting old.
Britney Spears – Not Again
Britney Spears – Ok, Now You’re Just Not Trying
Britney Spears – OK, One more time…
Britney Spears – Nipple peeking out at Grammys
Britney Spears – Flashes a Nipple and a Boob!
Cameron Diaz – Nude Shots (click images to reveal)
Carmen Electra – Good N’ Neked
Christina Aguilera – Try wearing some underwear next time
Christina Ricci – Is not hot
Cindy Crawford – Topless
Claire Danes – Nip Slip
Demi Moore – Nipple slip see through
Emma Watson – Upskirt
Eva Mendes – Italian Vogue
Gisele Bundchen – See through
Gisele Bundchen – Topless and Nip Slips
Gisele Bundchen – Sexy and Naked!
Gisele Bundchen – Nude
Hayden Panettiere – Birthday Bikini Nip Slip
Halle Berry – Nipple/Breast slip from her new film
Halle Berry – Titty Twister?
Heidi Klum – Completely Topless!
Janet Jackson – What’s on your nippy?
Janet Jackson – or E.T?
Jennifer Garner – Is hot.
Jessica Alba – Not Naked, But Not Bad
Jessica Alba – Is see through!
Jessica Biel – Legs for days, @ss for weeks!
Jessica Gomes – Topless for GQ
Jessica Simpson – Boob Out!
Jessica Simpson – Almost…
Jessica Simpson – Breast Inspection
Jodie marsh – Nipple busting out
Julianne Moore – Vogue Paris
Kate Moss – Little tiny Nipples outside
Keeley Hazell – Huge And Topless!
Keeley Hazell – Topless In Hollywood
Kelly Brook – Topless at the beach
Kim Kardashian – Big Booty
Kimberly Walsh – Gotta watch out for the side nippy.
Kristin Davis - Sexage Tape Pics
Madonna – Nipples
Karolina Kurkova – No Shirt
Kate Moss – See Through
Katie Holmes – Barely a Nip Slip
Lilly Allen – Tan Boob Nip Slip
Lilly Allen – Put that thing away..
Lindsay Lohan – SEX TAPE
Lindsay Lohan – See through
Lindsay Lohan – Firecrotch
Lindsay Lohan – Beach Boobage
Lindsay Lohan – Now that’s just disgusting
Lindsay Lohan – Chest Hams
Lucy Pinder – Topless
Marcia Cross – Put some clothes on your wrinkled body.
Marian Carey – Photoshoot Nip Slip
Mariah Carey – Don’t know how to call this one
Marisa Miller - Bikini nip slip!
Marisa Tomei – Nude Vids
Megan Fox – Nip Slip!
Megan Fox – No Top!
Mischa Barton – Make sure to wear the whole shirt next time
Mischa Barton – Oldschool Boobs
Mischa Barton – Let’s it slip through the shirt
Mischa Barton – Closing The Ring
Natalie Portman – Bare
Natalie Portman – At Hotel
Neve Campbell – Floppers
Nicolette Sheridan – Nip Slip
Nicolette Sheridan – Is it that tough to keep a bikini on?
Olivia Munn – Pulls a breast out on TV!
Pam Anderson – run-a-way-nipple
Paris Hilton – See through
Paris Hilton – Put that thing away!
Paris Hilton – Surfing Nip
Rebecca Gayheart – Knows what she’s getting into…
Rebecca Gayheart – Topless
Rihanna – See through nipples!
Rihanna – See through Nip Slip
Sharon Stone – Topless
Sienna Miller – Topless!
Sienna Miller – Needs a bikini, not duct tape
Sienna Miller – Again!
Sienna Miller – And Again…
Sienna Miller – Beach Topless
Sienna Miller – Topless
Sophie Monk – No bra and hard nips
Tiffani Amber Thiessen – Looks good to me
Tila Tequila – See through
Uma Thurman – This is what happens when you buy the see through dress
Vanessa Minnillo – Not Too Cute
Victoria Beckham – Nippleage
Whitney Port – Nipple Slip in a bikini
Whitney Port – Nip Slip
Winona Ryder – Nude

1. Kirsten Dunst believes the world would be a better place if everyone smoked pot. And its not that I don’t agree with her mindset, but I’m curious as to how the world would be “better.” What, in this context, does better even mean? Higher? Stoned-er? Apathetic-er?

“I drink moderately, I’ve tried drugs. I do like pot. I have a different outlook on marijuana than America does… I’ve never been a major smoker, but I think America’s view on pot is ridiculous. I mean – are you kidding me? If everyone smoked pot, the world would be a better place.”

For more click HERE

2. Mischa Barton loves the joint. And I don’t blame her; after her stint on The OC she’s been in some real blockbusters… Virgin Territory, Walled In, Closing The Ring. Now that’s hitting the big time. But seriously, she shouldn’t be spending all her money on dank, she could end up going broke like Lindsay Lohan after spending $70k on sunless tanning lotion.

Check out Mischa HERE – And HERE – OH, And HERE Too

3. Paris Hilton loves pot as well. Yea it’s old news, but there’s really nothing else Paris has done that’s worth talking about. Well maybe that sexy tape she was in. Or that other sex tape she was in…

Paris loves the DANK – And some MORE – And AGAIN… OK this is getting OLD…

4. Justin Timberlake did the dope dance on Punk’d. When questioned by Entertainment Weekly on the experience, he explains (though I think it’s actually a retrospective excuse for crying on national television):

“I’ll give you a little hint on that Punk’d thing. That was back in my first-album creative days. That’s why I looked the way I did, if that makes any sense to you.”

To which Ent. Weekly asked if he was high. His response?

“Incredibly. Yeah, that was a trippy experience. That was why I was completely glassy-eyed. As a matter of fact, I was like, okay, I got to stop doing this. I don’t do that anymore!

Observer Music Monthly got the good stuff from Timberlake, no longer beating around the bush:

“I’m just like everyone else…I’ve done my fair share of drugs…The drugs that I do have been done in my own private time. I’ve never been arrested – though that’s not to say that I won’t. I’ve done way too many drugs already. I’ve already inhaled and I’ve already – who knows?”

For more go HERE

5. Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore pass the joint in Hawaii. I’m just hoping Diaz gets the munchies, eats up, and puts a little more meat on her skinny bones. Actually let me retract that statement and direct you here, she looks damn sexy! Full figure, nice clean stomach, no gnarly hip bones pokin’ out (though that could just be the photoshop effect)

For the Diaz-Drew Pot tokin’ go HERE

6. George Clooney has a way of making everything sound ok. He’s the kind of guy that could say, “sure I killed the guy, but hey, he deserved it. I was civil about it, one shot to the head. Bam. Boom. And I was outa there. No big deal,” and the cops would just nod their heads and say, “well drive safely and try not to do it again.” He’s just got that aura. And when questioned by Us Magazine, he coolly admits:

“I’ve slept with too many women, done too many drugs and been to too many parties. I loved acid when I was at college. It was an escape. I liked mushrooms. They were like easy acid. I did like blow…Blow would dress you up for a party, but never take you there. You’re always like, This is going to be great! Then you’re just depressed.”

For more go HERE

7. Colin Farrell has a shadier past, and thus his tone, less eloquent. Much like his demeanor and his shaving habits, his words are a bit rough around the edges. He’s a blunt man, but as for blunts, he’s more of a hash man. He tells US Magazine:

“I ended up on a shrink’s couch, and he told me to write down how much I did in a week: 20 E’s, 4 grams of coke, six of speed, half an ounce of hash, three bottles of Jack Daniel’s, 12 bottles of red wine, 60 pints.”

More HERE

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And of course the list goes on and on but why name the people who have been doing them for years – Keith Richards, Every Rock Star alive (and dead), Robert Downey Jr, Whitney Houston, Lindsay Lohan (though, again, she’s more likely to overdose on prescription sunless tanner), John Stewart etc…

Something I found very interesting however, is the stance Jack White from The White Stripes takes on drugs – he doesn’t. The look and sound of the Detroit duo reminds of the sixties, and his loathe for the digital era (at least musically) furthers this image. And as we’ve learned, the 60’s, music, and drugs go hand in hand – but not for Jack White who tells The Observer:

‘I would recognize characteristics in people like ego and temper and say, I’m not going to do that. And it got to the point where I became so self-conscious that I sort of had a nervous breakdown when I was 19. I couldn’t handle it: I was becoming very paranoid and extremely anti-myself. I wouldn’t let myself enjoy anything. And remnants of that are still there. I don’t do drugs, I don’t get drunk, I don’t vote. Girls I don’t do. With this whole band, it’s obvious how much we’re forcing ourselves and limiting ourselves all the time.’

For the whole article go HERE

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(thanks thebigdurian on flickr for the image)