I don’t want to give away too much, but here’s a little taste of what you missed out on when you bought your bicycle from the town bike shop instead of Craigslist:

“The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Philippines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy $hit so I said no way.”

Additionally, the aforementioned manly bike that is for sale has seven speeds, each of which represent your manliness as follows:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

So if you’re in the market for a 7 speed manly bike, then head on over to Craigslist now.