Say what you will about Michael Jackson’s personal life, but you cannot deny the impact the artist has had on music and in popular culture over the last several decades.

To honor the king of pop, we decided it was necessary to feature one of Jackson’ most memorable videos – Thriller – Re-recorded, re-arranged and re-choreographed by another man, From India, With English subtitles provided by the man who made Benny Lava a legend: Buffalax!

For the unadulterated version, check it out here.

“Girly Man, Man, Man!”

Time does interesting things to people — for some, time does to appearance what alcohol does to most socialites’ vision — it makes ugly people beautiful, but others are less fortunate.

The aging process can be cruel, and for many people (and by many people I mean Tara Reid), the aging process can transform the most attractive woman (not Tara Reid) in the world into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Alas… Here. We. Go…

Alyssa Milano

Victoria Beckham

Little Rascal/Wal-Mart clerk

Tobey Maguire

Steve Urkel

Scarlett Johansson

Punky Brewster

Jeremy Piven/Michael Barth?

Brad Pitt

Pamela Manderson

Jerry O’Connell

Nicole Eggert

Mike Rowe

Mark Hamill

Marilyn Manson

Lindsay Lohan

Lil’ John

Leo DiCaprio

Stephanie from Full House

Karen from The Office

John Travolta

John Stewart

Michael Jackson

Ice Man

Hulk Hogan

Hayden Panettiere

Ricky Gervais

Edward Furlong

Fat Ginger from various 90’s era kid’s movies

Eric Bana

Elijah Wood

Dick Cheney

Elisha Cuthbert

Plays the ‘Creepy Dude’ in every movie he’s in

Creed from The Office

Nikki Cox (damn shame)

Stephen Colbert

Clint Eastwood

Charlie from Willy Wonka

That Guy

Roided Carrots

Bret McKenzie

Christian F_cking Bale

Angelina Jolie

Anakin Skywalker (just landed a role as ‘clerk’ in the upcoming LA based Wal-Mart)

Amy Winehouse

Carlton from Fresh Prince

Barry Balco Bonds

Tara Reid

48-year-old Hang Mioku first went under the knife when she was an (mildly) attractive 28-year-old, and from the first cut she was addicted.

After several operations, her face was large and disfigured yet she still believed she was beautiful–but not beautiful enough.

She went back for more and more operations until doctors told her they wouldn’t operate on her any longer. So she did what any respectable, surgery loving, Jabba the Hutt looking woman should do–move to Japan for more surgery.

What Mioku didn’t count on is that jobs are tough to get and life is tough to live when you look like the half-dead son of parents Michael Jackson and Sloth from The Goonies–and remember, she’s a woman.

However, after numerous surgeries, money ran out and she feared she must resort back to normal life not looking like a carrot souffle.

Amazingly, she found a doctor that supplied her with silicon and needles so that she could inject her own face at a fraction of the cost.

But when even self medication became too costly, she looked sadly at the floor, reached for the bottle of Canola Oil that moments before had been used to bake banana nut muffins, filled a syringe, and injected oil into her deformed face.

Kids in the neighborhood began calling her “standing fan” due to her massive head atop her petite body.

Though Hang Mioku has lead a horrific life, at least she doesn’t have to run to the store to pick up a bottle of oil if she runs out while baking–she can simply puncture her face just below the lower fold of her eyelid and a streaming jet of oil will glaze her pan–and to Mioku, there’s nothing more satisfying than that.

Apparently Halloween is approaching quickly, and I’m still not exactly sure what day of the week it comes on because, well, I don’t keep track of days all that well. In any event, the following ten costumes will guarantee you don’t get laid at the end of the month.

But if you’re a betting man, just go for it and try to prove me wrong.

10. Nerd In A Portal

Props for thinking outside the box, but if you have any thoughts about getting laid on Halloween, try to refrain from wearing any costume that involves you having to explain why you’re not actually dressed up as a crippled guy sitting on the ground inside a cardboard box.

9. Apple Fanboy

Displaying your love for Macs (in this case, maybe just Steve Jobs) is great, but when the line is blurred and and you display what little junk you have, in addition to showing your Apple devotion, we say keep it in the carnival, buddy.

8. Gaping Vagina Guy

It’s edgy, it’s taboo, it’s an eye-catcher, but at the end of the day it’s just a guy in a gigantic gaping vagina.

7. Tampon Wielding Used Maxi-Pad

I’m beginning to have second thoughts about this one. Sure there is nothing attractive about used tampons, but stick an oversized black headband on a used Maxi Pad and you’re playing a whole different ballgame.

6. You Knew This One Was Coming…

Similar to how Renee Zellweger looks, this picture has been around the block. But alas, this costume cannot be omitted from a ‘how to not get laid on Halloween’ post.

Where it fails: The very fact that you are physically inside what you aim to get inside on Halloween guarantees that you will not get inside what you are already inside.

5. The Sheepfucker Partyboy

I don’t really know what to say about this. I mean, great costume, of course. But jesus man, you’re going home alone. And not because of the sheep, that’s not a big deal. Chicks just don’t want to see those white thighs until it’s too late.

4. The Village People

The reason why none of The Village People will get laid this Halloween is not just because each individual Village Person is a raging asspacker, no.

The real reason? Because you and your five buddies orchestrated a group theme that is sixty times gayer than orchestrating a six-man team theme already is…

Well, and because you’re a Village Person, which is just gay.

3. Michael Jackson

If there was ever a time not to dress up as Michael Jackson it would be everyday. But while dressing up as MJ on Halloween while a bunch of 9 year old boys brush past your legs looking for candy could potentially get you laid in a Michael Jackson sort of way, spending the rest of your life as a registered sex offender isn’t exactly a positive alternative to what we we’re talking about when we named this post Costumes Guaranteed To Secure A Celibate Halloween.

2. The Cup In Pants Makes Dick Look Like Vagina Costume

I understand that the alternative is showing off your tiny package to the world as it’s scooped up like a handful of pistachios by your green unitard, but wearing a cup underneath your Green Lantern costume makes your junk look like Lindsay Lohan’s vertical monkey mouth, and it won’t get you laid.

Though to be fair, I think the Green Lantern costume itself earns a trip home on the Sad Walk Home Alone Express...

1. Kim Jong-Il

Just kidding, if you can’t get laid as Kim J the aforementioned don’t stand a chance. This is probably the greatest costume I won’t see this Halloween in Santa Barbara because let’s face it, UCSB and SBCC kids don’t know who Kim Jong-Il is.

But to be fair, why would you when you’ve got sandy beaches, sunshine, booze and nappy headed hoes…

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