Reason #5: She deserves better

“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was.”

Sounds like a healthy relationship so far. To be fair to Ethan, you did write “I was” twice in a sentence.

“For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him.”

“You’re just jealous of our love!”

“One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off.”

I’m assuming he was critical, made snide comments about your weight, and told you how stupid you were. That seems like the recipe for success thus far.

“He was the complete opposite of Ethan kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act.”

So like a mature, relationship-worthy girl, you broke it off with Ethan before pursuing anything physical with Will.

“I hooked up with Will the night before he left, and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.” Allison, 30, New York, NY

“You cheated on your boyfriend to be with me?”

“Yeah.”

“F-ckin’ sweet. Let’s get married.”

Reason #6: She’s looking for a missing piece

“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won.”

Whoa, whoa. Don’t blame Chris because you’re terrible at presenting an argument. You had the beach on your side, which is a lot like persuading someone to either have ice cream or poison.

“About eight months into our dating, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him.”

I’m sorry but I can’t picture a captain of a charter boat resembling anything but the Gorton’s fisherman.

“We met him out that night, and he and I got together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn!”

“Oh, you don’t love the beach? Fine, I’ll just blow someone in the bathroom stall of Fat Tuesdays who does.”

“Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL

Wait, wait. I just spent a whole paragraph reading about her disdain for ex-city slicker boyfriend and her love of the beach. Then, like a bad M. Knight Shyamalan twist, it turns out that our damsel in distress lives in Chicago. Oh Lizzie, you trickster.

Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine

“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him,”

This is too easy.

“but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was hooking up with other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it.”

“And I believed him. I mean, why wouldn’t I? What possibly could he have done in his past relationships to lead me to such a conclusion? Yes… what indeed?”

“One night, I got a call from a girl he had been seeing, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well.”

“Oh, that’s right. He was unfaithful BEFORE we started dating. How silly of me.”

“I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and went home with the hottest guy I could find; I felt like it was the least he deserved!”

This kind of grammatical ambiguity amuses me. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. You need to be specific with your pronouns. As it reads now, “the hottest guy” got the “least he deserved,” essentially calling herself ugly and a second choice.

“I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
Ashante, 25, College Park, GA

“How can I teach him a lesson that cheating is wrong and hurtful? Hmmm, I know. I’ll cheat on him!”

Reason #8: There’s something lacking in the physical department

“My ex was a terrible kisser the worst! I really liked everything else about him, but whenever it came time to get physical, I just cringed.”

And there was no possible sign of this to come before, you know, you agreed to enter a relationship with him?

“One night when I was at a party without him, a bunch of people started this old-school, yet fairly intense game of spin the bottle,”

“Then we played some pin the tail on the donkey, things got fairly crazy when Mary nearly hit me with a plastic bat when she was blindfolded and swinging at the pinata.”

“and I felt like I had to join, as I hadn’t had a decent kiss in a long time!”

This is understandable. Last time I was driving through skid row, I looked out the window and said, “Gosh, I feel like I have to join, I haven’t had a decent crack high in a long time!”

“I probably kissed about 10 guys that night, all of whom were so much better than my ex.”

Enjoy your herpes.

“I ended things pretty quickly after that experience, which made me realize that the physical part of a relationship is truly important.”
Marnie, 26, San Francisco, CA

I’m sure a woman named Marnie from San Francisco is a double-jointed Maxim model with a penchant for making hot wings and giving blowjobs at half time. What a loss for our Casanova.

I’m glad I don’t have a subscription to Cosmo because I’m sure it would end in a murder-suicide. The reason being is that I imagine every article to be like the one I’m about to share you with you fine readers. While browsing for internet porn, I was hit with a link called “Why I Cheated.” The article in question is a list of 8 reasons why women cheated on their significant other.

Warning: The following contains whore-speak which may be dangerous to your mental and logical health. Reader discretion is advised.

Reason #1 There’s No Passion

“I had been with John for about three years he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion.”

If only there were a phrase for this kind of female and male interaction… Oh there is. Platonic friends. You’re welcome.

“Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject.”

“The reason I brought you here tonight is because I wanted this to be a special moment for us. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I want to spend the rest of my life-”

“Where is that waiter? It’s been like 5 minutes. I clearly need a refill on my water. The service at this place is horrid.”

“I’m sure he’ll be around. What I wanted to ask though is if you’d-”

“God, I’m so bloated. I think I’m going to order a salad tonight.”

*Shuts ring box, makes mental note to kill self.*

“I took a trip to Australia for work, and while I was gone, I got together with a co-worker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing.”

“I experienced that excitement I’d been missing… getting railed by a co-worker and betraying my loving boyfriend while he wondered how my trip was going.”

“I broke up with John soon after I returned home, and began dating the guy from the trip.”

“But not before my co-worker and I had lots of sex on our bed while John was working overtime.”

“Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: After dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married, and we’re incredibly happy together.”

Yes, a relationship based on lies, secrecy, and infidelity is totally the type of precedent to pursue a relationship. Lesson learned kids: cheating is bad unless you meet your future spouse.

Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ

Well at least THAT makes sense.

Reason #2 To delay a breakup

“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape.”

Fair enough.

“When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one”

Putting his dog to sleep and losing his job in a month? Man, it’s a good thing he has such a loving and supportive girlfriend by his side…

“By that time, I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it.”

See.

This confuses me. The girl did her best by putting off the break-up, so he’d only have to eat a single layer sh-t sandwich. Then on a whim, she decides, “Nope, not good enough. I need to cheat on this dog-killing, job losing son of a bitch.” Then does.

“I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extra-curricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”

I rationalize it with you being an evil whore. Tomato, tomahto.

Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY

And they lived happily ever after… in a double wide.

Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder

“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived.”

I don’t foresee any problems here. Nope, none at all.

“The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us in bed.”

You fell for a lab partner named Henry?! By chance was he cooking up GHB?

After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult

So of course you broke up with him.

“but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too.”

Oh, right.

“I visited Henry a few times, and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably born out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me.”

Yes, because when she says the one, she means, “Hmmm, maybe I should go visit that guy I cheated on him with a few times. Ugh, I guess this is awkward. I guess Greg is definitely THE ONE.”

“I eventually stopped communicating with Henry.”

How thoughtful.

“I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years since my program ended.”
Tamara, 33, Portland, OR

I was going to let her pass when she said she was being young and silly, but you have to realize that the bitch was 29 when all this happened. That is not young, nor is cheating “silly,” especially when you’re still dating the guy. Replace “young and silly” with “delusional and selfish,” and I think you may be onto something.

Reason #4: So she’s not left out in the cold

“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing.”

Hey, we’ve all been there.

“After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric.”

God forbid you stay monogamous with the guy who actually wants to be with you.

“I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave.”

Some day, when I grow up, I want to meet a special woman. One who considers me to be expendable and an insurance policy when a man who caused her devastation (her words, not mine) shows up five months later, wanting to get back together with her. Ah, true love.

“Dave and I didn’t make it on round two”

Shocker.

“and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me.”

At least someone has some goddamn common sense.

“I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.” Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL

Is it any wonder that Ernest Hemingway, an Oak Park native, offed himself shotgun-style?