Posts Tagged ‘Scarlett Johansson’

Time does interesting things to people — for some, time does to appearance what alcohol does to most socialites’ vision — it makes ugly people beautiful, but others are less fortunate.

The aging process can be cruel, and for many people (and by many people I mean Tara Reid), the aging process can transform the most attractive woman (not Tara Reid) in the world into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Alas… Here. We. Go…

Alyssa Milano

Victoria Beckham

Little Rascal/Wal-Mart clerk

Tobey Maguire

Steve Urkel

Scarlett Johansson

Punky Brewster

Jeremy Piven/Michael Barth?

Brad Pitt

Pamela Manderson

Jerry O’Connell

Nicole Eggert

Mike Rowe

Mark Hamill

Marilyn Manson

Lindsay Lohan

Lil’ John

Leo DiCaprio

Stephanie from Full House

Karen from The Office

John Travolta

John Stewart

Michael Jackson

Ice Man

Hulk Hogan

Hayden Panettiere

Ricky Gervais

Edward Furlong

Fat Ginger from various 90’s era kid’s movies

Eric Bana

Elijah Wood

Dick Cheney

Elisha Cuthbert

Plays the ‘Creepy Dude’ in every movie he’s in

Creed from The Office

Nikki Cox (damn shame)

Stephen Colbert

Clint Eastwood

Charlie from Willy Wonka

That Guy

Roided Carrots

Bret McKenzie

Christian F_cking Bale

Angelina Jolie

Anakin Skywalker (just landed a role as ‘clerk’ in the upcoming LA based Wal-Mart)

Amy Winehouse

Carlton from Fresh Prince

Barry Balco Bonds

Tara Reid

Part of how great comedy succeeds is by offering multiple levels of awareness to the audience and to the characters within the given film or show. Most frequently, the characters are withheld information that the audience is given.

This enables the characters to go on long and frequently meaningless (mostly to the character’s ultimate goal) adventures that are extremely funny to the viewer--not because they are funny escapades, but because said viewer knows more about the character than the character knows about his or her own self.

A great example of this surfaces at the midpoint of the Farrelly Brothers’ Dumb & Dumber.

Lloyd and Harry are at a payphone attempting to figure out where Mary Swanson lives so that they can return her briefcase (which they don’t know is filled with ransom cash). This is the critical moment where their dialogue and the course of their quest turns upside down.

Harry: What’s her last name? I’ll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Let’s see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it’s on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It’s right here.

Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Harry and Lloyd were so close to figuring out where their adventure would end. But through stupidity, they become re-routed on a meaningless journey to find Mary Samsonite.

The characters know less than the audience and this amplifies their own foolishness and the comedic load of the film.

Comparing this video to Dumb & Dumber is a stretch, but somehow SFW XXX, works on the same principles. The characters (or pornstars) become fools because thay are unaware of something the viewer can plainly see. They have no idea that their scenes have been transformed into rediculous cartoons--and it’s this genuine lack of awareness, coupled with the viewer’s knowledge of what’s really going on behind the animation, that makes this video one of the greatest videos YouTube has to offer.

Scarlett Johansson at The Spirit cocktail party in Madrid

Jim Florentine’s 5 Tips for Annoying Telemarketers (The Bachelor Guy)
Win a Lenovo Y530 Laptop or Star Trek messenger bag (Gravy and Biscuits)
Big Buck Kicks Hunter’s Ass After Getting Shot.  (YepYep)
29 most controversial album covers (AfroJacks)
Abigail Clancy gets scandalous in her FHM shoot (Observation Bubble)
Forty over Forty: Sexy Older Actresses (Gunaxin)

My favorite spam (9 to Fried)
Layla Kiffin is going to the University of Tennessee, oh, and Lane too (Epic Carnival)
Iron Ref: Secret Weapon (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
Emmanuelle Chriqui looking sexy at Cadillac Records premiere (Celebridiot)
Ria Antoniou is a naughty 19 year old Greek (Bright Black Internet)
Julianne Hough Has The Right Stuff (MoonDog Sports)

Anyone that has spent 5 minutes watching the NFL/NBA draft realizes how homoerotic commentators can be when they describe the athletic acuity of college prospects. To make it decidedly less gay, the Banned in Hollywood editors have constructed the first ever Female Fantasy Draft. Draft order was predetermined by number of women notched on our belts. Since Peter is still a virgin, he gets first pick.

Round 1: Returner (Woman you can bring home to the parents.)

1. Natalie Portman, Jerusalem, Irsael (Peter)
Reason for drafting: Shes’ hot, a Harvard grad and because she’s Jewish, she’ll like my mom because she can’t stand her own.

SeanThomas: I thought you were part German? That’s going to go over REAL well.
Peter: No moron, you’re part German. I’m Irish.
SeanThomas: Oh yeah. Well, you’ll be drunk either way.
Brotha Jonze: I’m part German, so you can have her. I look for a woman who can cook, and as a returner, Natalie Portman and my industrial-sized oven wouldn’t get along. I should just invest in a nice Dutch oven to avoid any complications in my future.

2. Scarlett Johansson, New York, New York (SeanThomas)
Reason for drafting: She’s got bust written all over her, and I don’t really mind. Physically gifted, fluid hips, and she’s charming. She wins my dad’s heart without saying a word. Did I mention she dresses classy?

Brotha Jonze: Don’t get me wrong, she looks good now, but give her ten years and those chest hams will sag and she’ll put on a few pounds… which is unacceptable as a returner, you’re looking for quickness in the sack and consistency. Imagine her with a belly, the face just doesn’t hold up.
SeanThomas: She’s reached her ceiling, I’ll give you that. Hopefully her legs can reach mine.
Brotha Jonze: Touche, good sir. Touche.

3. Gemma Atkinson, Bury, Greater Manchester, England (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Her accent.

SeanThomas: Your parents must subscribe to the “she has an English accent and therefore smart” theory, which most Americans seem to have. Her intelligence is about as real as her chest.
Brotha Jonze: Which is perfect because I get all the benefits of others thinking she’s smart without actually being so. Why would you want a smart girl, Sean? If you dated a smart chick, she’d leave you before you got her in bed.
SeanThomas: Gemma seems to dig the soccer players. On the bright side, you might be the first straight guy she’s screwed.
Peter: Enjoy your raging case of the Cristiano Ronaldo strain.
Brotha Jonze: Hey, at least AIDS kills you. Better than living the rest of your life with a bumpy dick right?

Scarlett Johansson at the Michael J Fox thing. It was some thing that went on the other day, or maybe yesterday. Probably a benefit thing with donations or a silent auction and massive boobs pushed together looking pretty good.

Must see Jack Black from a red band Tropic Thunder scene
This girl sure does give some good head
Now this is some good teamwork
The hottest motorcycle babe ever
Which one is your kind of Cruz?

Lohan can’t married to the girl she wants, well at least for now
You know you wish you could have driven this car
Some thoughts about Transporter 3
These angels are getting ready for the holiday season
Porn mode is now available to you on Firefox
Avril Lavigne gets drunk

Shortly after Alanis Morissette got fat, Ryan Reynolds made a strategic move and dumped her for Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately for every guy that prefers good looking women, their relationship got serious, and over the weekend the 23 year old bombshell became a wife.

Not only that, they did it in Cranada, which (like getting a breast reduction) is like slapping God in the face. Because she’ll probably put on the “Reynolds Rolls” like Alanis, below you will find images that are easy on the eyes.