Posts Tagged ‘sex’

New York Times Best-Selling author and now filmmaker scored on the Florida Gators before the season even started.

I was stumbling through the Something Awful Forums when I came across a thread called Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms and, like so many times before, knew I needed to suck the thread and give it some attention.

I pulled ten or fifteen of my favorite submissions, did a little photoshopping, and added a few myself in order to compile what I believe are the Top 20 Safe For Work Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms.

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Official Answer Key:

20. Beat Your Meat
19. Three Hole Punch
18. Hairy Beaver
17. Donkey Punch
16. Golden Shower
15. Choking Your Chicken
14. Furburger
13. Horizontal Mambo
12. Hung Like A Horse
11. Cleveland Steamer
10. No Pants Dance
9. Bust A Nut
8. Laying Pipe
7. Hot Beef Injection
6. Sucking Dick
5. Cleaning Your Rifle
4. Dirty Sanchez
3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…
1. The Rusty Trombone

Our buddies over at Gunaxin just published a list of twenty great quotes about beer. In the same vain, we present Banned In Hollywood’s Twenty Great Quotes About Sex.

Starting with number 20…

20. “During sex I fantasize that I’m someone else.”

–Richard Lewis

19. “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.”

–Kevin Costner

18. “I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.”

–Leslie Nielsen

17. “Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.”

–George Carlin

16. “It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

–Drew Carey

15. “If it wasn’t for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I’d have no sex life at all.”

–Rodney Dangerfield

14. “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.”

–Steve Martin

13. “Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.”

–Woody Allen

12. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

–Marilyn Monroe

11. “My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”

–Woody Allen

10. “It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don’t believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.”

–Winston Churchill

9. “When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.”

–Matt Groening

8. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.”

–Brendan Francis

7. “There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid.”

–Denis Leary

6. “An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.”

–Edgar Wallace

5. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

–Woody Allen

4. “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

–Robin Williams

3. “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”

–Steve Martin

2. “My girlfriend said to me in bed last night’ ‘you’re a pervert’ I said, ‘that’s a big word for a girl of nine’.”

–Emo Philips

1. “If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.”

–Kate Beckinsale

According to a bunch of Aussies, the more you drink, the less likely your chances are of getting ‘whisky dick’.

This Australian assumption leads me to believe one (or both) of two things–that a) Australian logic fashions itself in the same way their toilets flush–backwards, and/or b) that the sources used in the study that drank the most and showed the lowest percentage of erectile dysfunction had the least amount of sex not because they couldn’t get it up, but because they couldn’t get a girl to come home with them.

Think about it–they drank too much and couldn’t get laid–of course their erectile dysfunction rates proved lowest–they never even had the opportunity.

I’d be more interested in hearing a study that focuses on the heavy drinkers and looks for three things 1) if they puked 2) if they pissed the bed, and 3) if they brought a girl home. I guarantee factors 1 and 2 would carry most of the studies weight.