I was stumbling through the Something Awful Forums when I came across a thread called Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms and, like so many times before, knew I needed to suck the thread and give it some attention.

I pulled ten or fifteen of my favorite submissions, did a little photoshopping, and added a few myself in order to compile what I believe are the Top 20 Safe For Work Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms.

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Official Answer Key:

20. Beat Your Meat
19. Three Hole Punch
18. Hairy Beaver
17. Donkey Punch
16. Golden Shower
15. Choking Your Chicken
14. Furburger
13. Horizontal Mambo
12. Hung Like A Horse
11. Cleveland Steamer
10. No Pants Dance
9. Bust A Nut
8. Laying Pipe
7. Hot Beef Injection
6. Sucking Dick
5. Cleaning Your Rifle
4. Dirty Sanchez
3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…
1. The Rusty Trombone

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself from the SAFs for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

20.

20. Beat Your Meat

19.

19. The Three Hole Punch

18.

18. Hairy Beaver

17.

17. Donkey Punch

16.

16. Golden Shower

15.

15. Choking Your Chicken

14.

14. Furburger

13.

13. Horizontal Mambo

12.

12. Hung Like A Horse

11.

11. Cleveland Steamer

10.

10. No Pants Dance

9.

9. Bust A Nut

8.

8. Laying Pipe

7.

7. Hot Beef Injection

6.

6. Sucking Dick

5.

5. Cleaning Your Rifle

4.

4. Dirty Sanchez

3.

3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger

2.

2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…

1.

1. The Rusty Trombone

I have a friend who isn’t so bright and while we were in London three years ago he kept referring to this black British guy as African-American, and for whatever reason, this makes me think of that.

It’s all about the subtext.

The editor of my yearbook wouldn’t let me write “when I read about the evils of drinking I stopped reading” — I guess I should have been more subtle. Although “Two in the pink, one in the stink” is about as subtle as this guy.

Nonetheless, props to you Mr. Kaatz, you even managed to slip a capitalized word into the middle of your sentence. Impressive.

If Angelique looks anything like Nicole, she better have driven to the burger joint, not the man, or that poor guy got suckered into a pretty bad deal.

Just sayin’.

New York Times Best-Selling author and now filmmaker scored on the Florida Gators before the season even started.

From his movie blog:

No matter what else happens on this tour, with this movie, or in my life, I don’t care. I can die happy, because last night I did what no other Kentuckian has done in years: I scored at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp.

I mean this literally. I snuck in to the stadium, with a girl, and fucked her on the goal line of the south end zone. Right below the goal posts, underneath the national championship signs.

If this gets me in trouble, I don’t care. If the Gainesville PD puts out a warrant for my arrest for some bullshit misdemeanor, so be it, I will turn myself in and deal with it. If it means I get banned from UF, that would suck, but those are consequences I have to live with. No matter what happens, it will all be worth it, because now, every time I watch UF play, even though goddamn Tim Tebow may be unstoppable, even though UF has more team speed than a pack of cheetahs and destroys my beloved Wildcats every year, I know that they have to cross the place where I had sex with a girl to do it.

Gives new meaning to hitting the tight end across the middle. Kudos to Mr. Max for doing more than the Sooners could muster in last year’s National Championship Game. We can only imagine that Lane Kiffin and his ridiculously hot wife are next to attempt this, recruiting violations be damned.

Our buddies over at Gunaxin just published a list of twenty great quotes about beer. In the same vain, we present Banned In Hollywood’s Twenty Great Quotes About Sex.

Starting with number 20…

20. “During sex I fantasize that I’m someone else.”

–Richard Lewis

19. “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.”

–Kevin Costner

18. “I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.”

–Leslie Nielsen

17. “Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.”

–George Carlin

16. “It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

–Drew Carey

15. “If it wasn’t for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I’d have no sex life at all.”

–Rodney Dangerfield

14. “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.”

–Steve Martin

13. “Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.”

–Woody Allen

12. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

–Marilyn Monroe

11. “My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”

–Woody Allen

10. “It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don’t believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.”

–Winston Churchill

9. “When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.”

–Matt Groening

8. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.”

–Brendan Francis

7. “There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid.”

–Denis Leary

6. “An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.”

–Edgar Wallace

5. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

–Woody Allen

4. “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

–Robin Williams

3. “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”

–Steve Martin

2. “My girlfriend said to me in bed last night’ ‘you’re a pervert’ I said, ‘that’s a big word for a girl of nine’.”

–Emo Philips

1. “If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.”

–Kate Beckinsale

According to a bunch of Aussies

This Australian assumption leads me to believe one (or both) of two things–that a) Australian logic fashions itself in the same way their toilets flush–backwards, and/or b) that the sources used in the study that drank the most and showed the lowest percentage of erectile dysfunction had the least amount of sex not because they couldn’t get it up, but because they couldn’t get a girl to come home with them.

Think about it–they drank too much and couldn’t get laid–of course their erectile dysfunction rates proved lowest–they never even had the opportunity.

I’d be more interested in hearing a study that focuses on the heavy drinkers and looks for three things 1) if they puked 2) if they pissed the bed, and 3) if they brought a girl home. I guarantee factors 1 and 2 would carry most of the studies weight.