That’s not to say there is no validity in the ideas he speaks about (at least from what I’m able to interpret, which by no fault of my own, is minimal).

I’m all for conservative distribution of designer drugs – but when it comes to speaking out against Riddlin and Adderall on live television to talk-show hosts, I have learned vicariously through the body of a certain d-bag that you don’t have to act like a complete d-bag when doing so, even if you are one…

The Today Show With Matt Lauer

As I mentioned before, I’m all for laying off the pill-popping, but that doesn’t necessarily give me the right to start misusing words like glib. If it were up to me, no one would ever use the word glib again, especially when they’re being glib in using said word.

Matt Matt Matt, you don’t even know what Riddelin is.

Tom On Oprah

Nothing says crazy like a white guy jumping up and rubbing his dirty ass feet on a black person’s couch… the whole blatant expression of outofyourfuckingmind thing doesn’t really help much either…

Crazy Tom’s Scientology Video

Watching this video is a lot like being punched in the face really really hard by a really really big dude – you put yourself in a situation you knew you should have never been in, and after you come-to, your thought process feels a little more like Paris Hilton’s feels (or doesn’t feel… though I can’t really blame her – no one ever teaches you that donkey-punches shouldn’t be an everyday thing).

I promise you can watch zero seconds of this video and understand more than you would if you watched the entire thing.

Tommy Takes A Wet One To The Face

He actually appears to enjoy the shot to the face until he realizes that he’s both on the receiving end of a prank, and that the projected liquid is less viscous and less salty than he expected.

Tom Killing Oprah

Sure there are more worthy ‘Crazy Tom’ videos clogging up the intertubes, but I couldn’t resist saving this classic for last.

This is the type of sign you see in the restrooms of Amsterdam’s red light district and in the brothels of Panama. Madonna has a similar placard that reads identical except for the word employees swapped with the word Yankees.

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The Houston Chronicle reports that two Texas men and an underage friend broke into a cemetery, decapitated a body and used the head to smoke pot out of like a bong.

“Matthew Gonzalez and Kevin Jones have been charged with the misdemeanor offense of abuse of a corpse, said Scott Durfee, a spokesman for the Harris County District Attorneys Office.

According to documents filed in the case, Gonzalez, Jones and an unnamed juvenile on March 15 went to an Humble cemetery, dug up a man’s grave, left with the head and turned it into a “bong.”

Gonzalez told authorities about the incident Wednesday, and showed officers the defaced grave, including a 4-foot hole. Because of a heavy rain, officers were unable to determine whether the casket or the body had been disturbed.”

Talk about taking a bongload to the dome.

The article has since been removed from the Houston Chronicle website.

Tattoos can be beautiful and artfully done, but like painting flames on your ‘96 Mustang, we frequently ask ourselves what the f-ck were they thinking? (mostly for purchasing a ‘96 Mustang)

below are 35 examples of the latter.

Especially if “Highway Gangbang – In Da Butt” is in your bittorrent download que.

Other people are just stupid.

Michael Otero pulled into the lot of a 7-11 convenience store (only convenient if you’re trying to gain 30 pounds by the end of the month by eating cheese injected hot dogs that have been sitting on the rotisserie since yesterday of last week) and parked his newly purchased red pickup truck with a manual transmission directly in front of the store.

He got out of the vehicle, entered the store, and began his nightly routine by purchasing the most unhealthy food available to the greater Laguna Beach community.

When he returned to his truck–he was struck with the greatest fear that any man who hates walking and doesn’t exercise can imagine–his truck was gone and his hands were full of crinkle cut cheddar cheese fries and a family sized bag of Baken-Ets brand zero-carb fried pork skins.

For 120 seconds, Otero debated whether it was worth dropping one of the delicious treats in order to free up a hand to dial 9-1-1 on his mobile phone, but he decided that the call could wait. He stood in the parking lot, sad, alone, and staring blankly at where his car had been while trying to come up with some logical explanation for his truck’s disappearance.

“It’s almost like a ghost,” Otero said scientifically.

After he devoured his fries, he dialed 9-1-1 with his greasy sausage fingers and told the operator on the other end that his car had been stolen. Laguna Beach Police responded in minutes because they had nothing better to do in the quiet beach town, and hoping to catch a glimpse of the culprit, pulled the surveillance video from the convenience store.

This is what they saw.

“I still don’t believe it,” said Otero–continuing profoundly, “This is like a car hole-in-one.”

Reason #5: She deserves better

“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was.”

Sounds like a healthy relationship so far. To be fair to Ethan, you did write “I was” twice in a sentence.

“For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him.”

“You’re just jealous of our love!”

“One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off.”

I’m assuming he was critical, made snide comments about your weight, and told you how stupid you were. That seems like the recipe for success thus far.

“He was the complete opposite of Ethan kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act.”

So like a mature, relationship-worthy girl, you broke it off with Ethan before pursuing anything physical with Will.

“I hooked up with Will the night before he left, and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.” Allison, 30, New York, NY

“You cheated on your boyfriend to be with me?”

“Yeah.”

“F-ckin’ sweet. Let’s get married.”

Reason #6: She’s looking for a missing piece

“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won.”

Whoa, whoa. Don’t blame Chris because you’re terrible at presenting an argument. You had the beach on your side, which is a lot like persuading someone to either have ice cream or poison.

“About eight months into our dating, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him.”

I’m sorry but I can’t picture a captain of a charter boat resembling anything but the Gorton’s fisherman.

“We met him out that night, and he and I got together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn!”

“Oh, you don’t love the beach? Fine, I’ll just blow someone in the bathroom stall of Fat Tuesdays who does.”

“Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL

Wait, wait. I just spent a whole paragraph reading about her disdain for ex-city slicker boyfriend and her love of the beach. Then, like a bad M. Knight Shyamalan twist, it turns out that our damsel in distress lives in Chicago. Oh Lizzie, you trickster.

Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine

“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him,”

This is too easy.

“but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was hooking up with other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it.”

“And I believed him. I mean, why wouldn’t I? What possibly could he have done in his past relationships to lead me to such a conclusion? Yes… what indeed?”

“One night, I got a call from a girl he had been seeing, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well.”

“Oh, that’s right. He was unfaithful BEFORE we started dating. How silly of me.”

“I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and went home with the hottest guy I could find; I felt like it was the least he deserved!”

This kind of grammatical ambiguity amuses me. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. You need to be specific with your pronouns. As it reads now, “the hottest guy” got the “least he deserved,” essentially calling herself ugly and a second choice.

“I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
Ashante, 25, College Park, GA

“How can I teach him a lesson that cheating is wrong and hurtful? Hmmm, I know. I’ll cheat on him!”

Reason #8: There’s something lacking in the physical department

“My ex was a terrible kisser the worst! I really liked everything else about him, but whenever it came time to get physical, I just cringed.”

And there was no possible sign of this to come before, you know, you agreed to enter a relationship with him?

“One night when I was at a party without him, a bunch of people started this old-school, yet fairly intense game of spin the bottle,”

“Then we played some pin the tail on the donkey, things got fairly crazy when Mary nearly hit me with a plastic bat when she was blindfolded and swinging at the pinata.”

“and I felt like I had to join, as I hadn’t had a decent kiss in a long time!”

This is understandable. Last time I was driving through skid row, I looked out the window and said, “Gosh, I feel like I have to join, I haven’t had a decent crack high in a long time!”

“I probably kissed about 10 guys that night, all of whom were so much better than my ex.”

Enjoy your herpes.

“I ended things pretty quickly after that experience, which made me realize that the physical part of a relationship is truly important.”
Marnie, 26, San Francisco, CA

I’m sure a woman named Marnie from San Francisco is a double-jointed Maxim model with a penchant for making hot wings and giving blowjobs at half time. What a loss for our Casanova.

I’m glad I don’t have a subscription to Cosmo because I’m sure it would end in a murder-suicide. The reason being is that I imagine every article to be like the one I’m about to share you with you fine readers. While browsing for internet porn, I was hit with a link called “Why I Cheated.” The article in question is a list of 8 reasons why women cheated on their significant other.

Warning: The following contains whore-speak which may be dangerous to your mental and logical health. Reader discretion is advised.

Reason #1 There’s No Passion

“I had been with John for about three years he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion.”

If only there were a phrase for this kind of female and male interaction… Oh there is. Platonic friends. You’re welcome.

“Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject.”

“The reason I brought you here tonight is because I wanted this to be a special moment for us. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I want to spend the rest of my life-”

“Where is that waiter? It’s been like 5 minutes. I clearly need a refill on my water. The service at this place is horrid.”

“I’m sure he’ll be around. What I wanted to ask though is if you’d-”

“God, I’m so bloated. I think I’m going to order a salad tonight.”

*Shuts ring box, makes mental note to kill self.*

“I took a trip to Australia for work, and while I was gone, I got together with a co-worker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing.”

“I experienced that excitement I’d been missing… getting railed by a co-worker and betraying my loving boyfriend while he wondered how my trip was going.”

“I broke up with John soon after I returned home, and began dating the guy from the trip.”

“But not before my co-worker and I had lots of sex on our bed while John was working overtime.”

“Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: After dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married, and we’re incredibly happy together.”

Yes, a relationship based on lies, secrecy, and infidelity is totally the type of precedent to pursue a relationship. Lesson learned kids: cheating is bad unless you meet your future spouse.

Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ

Well at least THAT makes sense.

Reason #2 To delay a breakup

“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape.”

Fair enough.

“When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one”

Putting his dog to sleep and losing his job in a month? Man, it’s a good thing he has such a loving and supportive girlfriend by his side…

“By that time, I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it.”

See.

This confuses me. The girl did her best by putting off the break-up, so he’d only have to eat a single layer sh-t sandwich. Then on a whim, she decides, “Nope, not good enough. I need to cheat on this dog-killing, job losing son of a bitch.” Then does.

“I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extra-curricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”

I rationalize it with you being an evil whore. Tomato, tomahto.

Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY

And they lived happily ever after… in a double wide.

Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder

“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived.”

I don’t foresee any problems here. Nope, none at all.

“The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us in bed.”

You fell for a lab partner named Henry?! By chance was he cooking up GHB?

After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult

So of course you broke up with him.

“but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too.”

Oh, right.

“I visited Henry a few times, and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably born out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me.”

Yes, because when she says the one, she means, “Hmmm, maybe I should go visit that guy I cheated on him with a few times. Ugh, I guess this is awkward. I guess Greg is definitely THE ONE.”

“I eventually stopped communicating with Henry.”

How thoughtful.

“I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years since my program ended.”
Tamara, 33, Portland, OR

I was going to let her pass when she said she was being young and silly, but you have to realize that the bitch was 29 when all this happened. That is not young, nor is cheating “silly,” especially when you’re still dating the guy. Replace “young and silly” with “delusional and selfish,” and I think you may be onto something.

Reason #4: So she’s not left out in the cold

“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing.”

Hey, we’ve all been there.

“After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric.”

God forbid you stay monogamous with the guy who actually wants to be with you.

“I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave.”

Some day, when I grow up, I want to meet a special woman. One who considers me to be expendable and an insurance policy when a man who caused her devastation (her words, not mine) shows up five months later, wanting to get back together with her. Ah, true love.

“Dave and I didn’t make it on round two”

Shocker.

“and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me.”

At least someone has some goddamn common sense.

“I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.” Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL

Is it any wonder that Ernest Hemingway, an Oak Park native, offed himself shotgun-style?

Like most people, I lack basic motor skills when I’ve had too much to drink. This might include anything from walking, opening a door, or in this case, putting on a condom.

After it had been established in my brain that I was going to be having sex, the first step was to reach for the condoms. While I may be drunk, my animal-like mind does not like the prospects of having children or herpes.

Without further ado, I present the pictorial progression of last night’s attempt to have safe sex.

I decide that knocking down everything in my path is a good choice. This is the end result. One condom managed to spill out of the box in its rightful place next to the whiteout and lube. I would also like to note that aside from the random objects scattered about, this shelf had been organized in some manner.

At the side of my bed.

The backside of the condom wrapper. As you can tell, I opened it with precision that would make a caveman blush.

This is what is left on my bed. Apparently, removing my sweatshirt and bio study guide was too much work for me to accomplish. I’ll be damned if I don’t know the steps of mitosis by the time I climax.

And finally, the only excuse for this is that I skipped out on 8th grade health class when they put condoms on produce. I think saran wrap and hope would’ve been more effective. I do like the use of the side table to hold my gum. Classy. Not only did I unroll the condom all the way, I then tried to put my limp spaghetti noodle inside its latex housing.

Needless to say, my sexual life hit an all time low. I was more frustrated than a kid with downs trying to solve multivariable calculus. Thank you, alcohol.

Postscript: I would like to mention that the girl that I attempted to have sex with was stone cold sober. In addition to my awful attempts to have sex, I managed to fall out of bed and hit my head on the ground, only to convince her that “evra-sing’s cool” and that this was in fact, standard operating procedure.

[digg-me]We here at Banned in Hollywood believe in true love. Personal ads can be confusing, so we want to facilitate the process for those looking for that somebody special on Craigslist. Fellas, step on up, we’ve found you the woman of your dreams.

Reply to: pers-766780676@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-07-23, 9:48AM PDT

I am currently a college student

at Devry

living on her own

because no one can stand me

and I would really appreciate help

cause life is hard and stuff!

from a Handsome and caring man.

someone who wants pussy but doesn’t want to do that whole prostitution thing.

I want someone who is not greedy

like me

and who is willing to spoil me…..

because I’m greedy.

I am a beautiful Spanish girl (from spain)

(my parents were born there, but I have no idea how to speak the language.)

and I know that there is a great man

rich man

out there who is willing to help me out.

reckless with his money.

Being a college student does not allow me to make the money that I need to make

because I have no discernable talent and earn minimum wage

so take me into consideration

cause no one else in the world is struggling to make ends meet

and be the one to spoil me

stupid enough to give me your credit card.

…….. I wanna be your princess!!!!

I’ll even pretend to be Sleeping Beauty when you come over, so you can do whatever you want to me.

I want this to be very private

because even I’m embarassed to be such a gold digging whore.

so I will send you a picture once you contact me….

if my eloquent prose hasn’t won your heart, I’m hoping you’re so desperate that you don’t mind that I look like Patrick Ewing and Janet Reno’s lovechild.

Please send a picture

Not that it matters, I don’t really care if you look like a sea donkey. Just have money.

with your respond!!!

Remember, I’m in college!

• Location: Puente Hills
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests (No contradictions here. Nope, none at all.)

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