Banned In Hollywood » The Onion

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All The Drugs In Mexico

Brotha Jonze — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:03:04 +0000

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

In an effort to combat the persistent drug problem, DEA officials have initiated the most effective anti-drug offensive ever — Lil Wayne.

For more, visit the most reliable news source in the history of news.

Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful End To Clippers Game

Brotha Jonze — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:22:04 +0000

Rookie Blake Griffin was not injured in the accident but had the foresight to hang himself in the locker room before the stadium collapsed.

Creationism evolves, Pope launches YouTube channel

Brotha Jonze — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:44:08 +0000

Pope Benedict XVI will launch the first ever dedicated YouTube channel for the Vatican City State later this week. The content will target devout Catholics but also aims to convert readers of The Onion to a stronger, more virtuous faith.

“We’ve evolved extraordinarily as a species–there is no logical way to deny who we’ve become and what we came from. We’re more advanced–plain and simple,” said Pope Benedict XVI in reference to the technological advances of the past decade.

“It’s evolution at its finest. We came from single-cell processors, and evolved to multi-core ones, and that, coupled with massive bandwidth reserves is what will allow us to read passages from an archaic book, as well as a few passages from a personal favorite Lord of the Rings, to people globally.”

Holy fucking YouTube Channel will go live next week–expect videos of the Pope’s cat looking really cute, as well as The Official Catholic Priest’s: ‘how to’ guide for preserving your name in the cum covered face of pedophilia.

Novelist Strike, Less of an Impact Than WGA Strike

Brotha Jonze — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 09:27:42 +0000

We understand that this is the internet, this is the twenty first century, and for most of us, this is America, so we try to use as little text as possible, filling our pages with media. However, for those brave souls that don’t mind taking the five minutes it does to read an article, check out The Onion’s latest.

Novelists Strike Fails To Affect Nation Whatsoever

LOS ANGELES—The economy has seen no adverse effects, as American consumers easily adjust to the sudden cessation of any bold new sprawling works of fiction.