Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise’

After sifting mindlessly through crazy Tom Cruise YouTube videos for the last hour, I’ve realized that Tom is no more than a one-dimensional douchebactor who’s words (and behaviors) become as disjointed and incomprehensible as his religious precepts when his dialogue isn’t scripted for him by guys like Hollywood big-cock David Koepp.

That’s not to say there is no validity in the ideas he speaks about (at least from what I’m able to interpret, which by no fault of my own, is minimal).

I’m all for conservative distribution of designer drugs – but when it comes to speaking out against Riddlin and Adderall on live television to talk-show hosts, I have learned vicariously through the body of a certain d-bag that you don’t have to act like a complete d-bag when doing so, even if you are one…

The Today Show With Matt Lauer

As I mentioned before, I’m all for laying off the pill-popping, but that doesn’t necessarily give me the right to start misusing words like glib. If it were up to me, no one would ever use the word glib again, especially when they’re being glib in using said word.

Matt Matt Matt, you don’t even know what Riddelin is.

Tom On Oprah

Nothing says crazy like a white guy jumping up and rubbing his dirty ass feet on a black person’s couch… the whole blatant expression of outofyourfuckingmind thing doesn’t really help much either…

Crazy Tom’s Scientology Video

Watching this video is a lot like being punched in the face really really hard by a really really big dude – you put yourself in a situation you knew you should have never been in, and after you come-to, your thought process feels a little more like Paris Hilton’s feels (or doesn’t feel… though I can’t really blame her – no one ever teaches you that donkey-punches shouldn’t be an everyday thing).

I promise you can watch zero seconds of this video and understand more than you would if you watched the entire thing.

Tommy Takes A Wet One To The Face

He actually appears to enjoy the shot to the face until he realizes that he’s both on the receiving end of a prank, and that the projected liquid is less viscous and less salty than he expected.

Tom Killing Oprah

Sure there are more worthy ‘Crazy Tom’ videos clogging up the intertubes, but I couldn’t resist saving this classic for last.

This idiot claims to be psychic, but when the talk show host questions him about his powers, he freaks, rips off his microphone, and rolls around on the hardwood floor. I know this guy isn’t nuts–he’s just acting like an idiot to pull in some quick cash from the idiots who call in.

Tom Cruise pulled a similar stunt on Oprah, only he wasn’t trying to make some cash by pretending to be psychic, he’s just an idiot.

The following comparisons make about as much sense as the Jonas Brothers’ success. Though if the kiddie-bop voice-mod sob-sister pussy-pop trio made this list, they would have been characterized as a lime green ‘93 Honda Del Sol, a lavender ‘94 Mazda Miata, and a 4 cylinder aqua-marina BMW Z3.

I then would have photoshopped baseball bats jammed in all three vehicles’ windows and dropped them into the Pulp Fiction rape scene.

That would be humbling.

Tom Cruise as the Mini Cooper

The Mini Cooper was cool (for a few hours after seeing Austin Powers/Risky Business) in a novelty sort of way. But anything remotely intriguing about the Mini Cooper vanished when the new mini hit and saturated the market, forcing everyone to see how insanely stupid it really was whether they wanted to or not.

Even Oprah had a tough time giving these away on her show.

Clint Eastwood as the 67′ Chevelle SS

Sometimes it blows a gasket but most of the time it’s badass.

Mo’Nique as the Toyota Previa

Does this really require an explanation?

No?

Didn’t think so.

Vin Diesel as the ‘96 Ford Mustang Convertible

It looks like a sports car but behaves more like a VW Jetta—which is ideal for the generally female and closet homosexual clientele that the ‘Stang caters to.

Popular in the late ’90s–hopefully never popular again.

Carson Daly as the PT Loser

At first they think it’s cute and charming but after taking one for a test drive even 50-year-old soccer moms think it’s as stupid their husbands think they are.

Still in production even though nobody has purchased one since 2003.

Hulk Hogan as the 84’ Olds Cutlass Wagon – Lifted

Its time has come and gone (for the better).

It’s old, it’s ugly, it’s way too big, it’s pathetic, and everyone wonders why it’s so jacked up.

Note: The 2001 Dodge Durango (with spare tire)–not so little daughter of the 84′ Cutlass.

On Sunday morning Tom Cruise headed out to Daytona Beach, Florida to meet up with his ex-wife Nicole Kidman and watch her new husband Keith Urban perform a set for NASCAR enthusiasts at the 51st annual Daytona 500.

HuffPo reports,

“Urban took brief questions and laughed awkwardly when asked what his favorite racing movie is.

“Uhhhhh … `Cars’?” he stammered, choosing the animated movie over the more obvious “Days of Thunder” that featured his wife, Nicole Kidman, with her ex-husband, Tom Cruise.

Later, Urban and Cruise both attended the pre-race driver meeting. The two were seated on opposite ends, but Cruise heartily applauded Urban when the singer was introduced.”

I cannot think of a story worse than this one–a closet-homo nut-job actor, a d-bag blond streaked and feathered country singer, and NASCAR all in one article–this article is about as interesting as watching David Hasselhoff do anything but eat burgers off the floor…

Tom Cruise is a midget. Sure it’s shopped, but it’s really not that far off.

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Top 10 Signs You’re Lonely

In what appeared to be an effort to elude paparazzi, Katie Holmes dressed herself in the clothes of platonic friend Tom Cruise, and hit the streets of NYC. The disguise, a seemingly perfect way to get paparazzi to not take your picture, included the pocket tee that Tom wore in his role as Maverick in Top Gun, and the jeans Cruise was seen not wearing in Risky Business, though sources say she had to have them lengthened to fit her 5′9″ frame, which is 7″ taller than Tom’s.

The fact that these photos emerged however, indicates that foul play may have been involved. Seeing that Katie was spotted as Tom suggests that either someone spotted her and was aware of the disguise, which is unlikely, or more realistically, that the entire thing was just as set up as the Montauk Monster.

It’s simple really. Katie dressed as Tom but knew that no one would take pictures of him, so she hired someone to do the work – it’s sort of like paying your employer to be employed instead of getting paid yourself. The disguise then suggests to the public that she’s constantly hounded by paparazzi, which she isn’t, but which is a great idea – minus her one mistake.

Everyone knows that when you’re trying to revive your waning career, you don’t dress up as, and take the role of someone who’s career is melting like a manora in Auschwitz – it’s just bad business.

Game over Katie, game over – Just throw in the towel now.

On May 14 2008 at the set of “I love You Beth Cooper,” it seems Panettiere is learning how to row a boat. Everyone fusses about how hot she is, but to me, she just looks like a really small girl, which just doesn’t do it for me. After the boating sighting, it looks as though she’s been hanging out with Tom Cruise, but upon closer investigation, he actually appears to be a different douchebag. Tom Is such a douche.