Posts Tagged ‘Top 5’

I was inspired by a Something Awful forum post to put this one together, so before you get your little panties in a bunch and bitch and moan like like all the gay people in West Hollywood because Prop 8 passed, hear me when I say, quit being a little internet crybaby pussy.

This is not a definitive list, just the top 5 sports books that I believe would be the shortest sports books in the history of sports books. And I am right.

5. Times I Didn’t Cry In A Press Conference by Brett Bavre

We at Banned have used some of these before and I’m sure you’ve seen a few of them on the interweb, but that still doesn’t change the fact that these five moments in TV Screenshot history, like the breasts of Scarlett Johansson, need to be seen.

5. Wait, seriously?

What kind of fire-hoses are we talking about here exactly?

4. Proving The Obvious

Based on the evidence at hand, the paternity test will conclude what all of us, except for the confused Richard, already know - Mom banged the UPS guy.

The upside? At least now he won’t have to pretend that he’s interested in watching his son’sbasketball games.

Sure there are tons of pictures floating around the internet that fit nicely under this title, but to be honest, I just don’t feel like compiling fifty images, writing about all of them, and having five people read while the other fifty thousand just look at the pictures.

But don’t get me wrong, I usually fall comfortably into the latter of the aforementioned two groups. I’m the kind of guy that thinks, “why buy the books when I’ve got Spark Notes? And even if Spark Notes only summarizes 80% of the books I’m supposed to read, if I manage to get an A on the material covered in those 80%, then I manage to get a C on 100% of the material, by doing just 0% of the work. And that my friends, deserves an A”

Anyway, on to the 5 Cars That Aren’t Really Cars At All.

5. Too Slow For Fast Food

The Logic: You’re hungry. You might have a car, but loading your scooter into the car requires more work than someone that needs a scooter is able to exert. You figure your scooter and yourself combined are enough to trigger the employee’s attention.

Why it’s not a car: Any time a vehicle owner weighs more than the vehicle, that vehicle is not a car.

4.The Crippled Assassin

I really have nothing bad to say about this cripple crushing cruiser – it’s badass. I could be wrong but by the look of this thing, my guess is it cruises at 45 knots, climbs 89 degree inclines and transforms into prosthetic legs, all while making your dick three sizes too large. Not bad for a wheelchair.

Why it’s not a car: Even if your chair has a seatbelt and tank-like traction, the fact that the bugs that should be splattering on your windshield knock you out because they hit you in the face at 600 mph means this vehicle is not a car.

3.The Senile Surfer

It’s great to see old people acting young, unless of course they’re being interviewed by Chris Hansen. But just because you saddled your surfboard from 1923 on god knows what, does not necessarily give you privilage to surf in the middle of the street.

Why it’s not a car: This one seems easy, but dispite what you may think, it isn’t because you steer it with your feet, nor is it because it has just three wheels. The main reason why this is not a car is because the guy controlling it is wearing shirt that matches his Hawaiian print skirt. Yes, I assure you – it’s a skirt.

5. The Burgundy Boner

Was it staged? Of course it was staged, but it sets the pace and the theme for today’s Top 5. Strong force and proud ownership make this untimely boner stand out from the rest.

4. The Poolside Speedo Boner

Was it staged? Unless this guy has a sense of humor about himself, this is a genuine untimely boner. His choice in Speedo over, well, anything else, further suggests this guy is all business, which renders it an honest boner.

Notice how there are no chicks in the pool – makes you wonder what he’s so excited about, right? He better put that thing to sleep before entering his lane – when you’re swimming for speed, the last thing you want is more drag than your belly already creates. Though I suppose he might be training, in which case his boner would act as parachute does to a sprinter training for the Olympics.

3. The Notorious Clinton Boner

I know that when you hear, “Clinton has a boner,” you immediately think of Hillary – But as you can see, it’s Slick Willy’s pride and joy.

Was it staged? The fact that Hillary is in the boat with him leads me to believe it’s staged, but the pronunciation of his camel tail suggests that it is in fact, an honest untimely boner.

Which is worse? Bill or Hillary naked… Throw Chelsea in the equation too and if you didn’t vomit before, I hope you didn’t eat tuna.