This is not a definitive list, just the top 5 sports books that I believe would be the shortest sports books in the history of sports books. And I am right.

5. Times I Didn’t Cry In A Press Conference by Brett Bavre

4. Things I’ll Be Remembered For by Bill Buckner

3. Great Asians In Sports by John Rocker

“The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?“

- John Rocker

2. Haw-Kee by Anonymous Black Guy

1. Everybody Clap Your Hands by Jim Abbott

Bonus Book: If you’re into long novels, here’s one that might take you longer to get through than Alexander Dumas’ The Count of Monte Cristo. It’s an epic that spans over 600 pages called Getting Your Ass Hammered By Guys and is written by Philadelphia’s own Matt Stairs:

Referenced here

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How the republicans will solve their problem
Fergie is a butterface
Tuba man killed by 15 year olds
Lohan can’t get married, bummer
Sexy motorcycle racer? oh, it’s possible

5. Wait, seriously?

What kind of fire-hoses are we talking about here exactly?

4. Proving The Obvious

Based on the evidence at hand, the paternity test will conclude what all of us, except for the confused Richard, already know - Mom banged the UPS guy.

The upside? At least now he won’t have to pretend that he’s interested in watching his son’sbasketball games.

3. Harry Wienerman’s Best Buddy

This one has been around the block but this list wouldn’t be much of a list without Mike Litoris.

2. The Lonely, Lonely Life Of Uncle Bob

You’ve got to ask youself where you went wrong with your life after putting your johnson inside a rainbow-colored cardboard unicorn.

The question I wish I could have answered for me is, where did this go down? It would almost be less weird if it went down at an 8 year old’s birthday, because one – at least you went for the pinata and not a kid, and two because I like to think this was a drunken, spur of the moment decision.

If this was premeditated pinata penetration… the guy goes down to the local pinata store and selects the perfect candy filled character to shake his dick at, pulls up his pants and peaces? This is what you call “a man that knows what he wants and gets it.”

1. Please, Yes, With Binoculars.

Under normal circumstances I would have to pass, but I mean come on, you put binoculars on the table and how can I resist?

Trust me, rape is not all that bad when it’s with binoculars.

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Condom truck tips, spills load
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But don’t get me wrong, I usually fall comfortably into the latter of the aforementioned two groups. I’m the kind of guy that thinks, “why buy the books when I’ve got Spark Notes? And even if Spark Notes only summarizes 80% of the books I’m supposed to read, if I manage to get an A on the material covered in those 80%, then I manage to get a C on 100% of the material, by doing just 0% of the work. And that my friends, deserves an A”

Anyway, on to the 5 Cars That Aren’t Really Cars At All.

5. Too Slow For Fast Food

The Logic: You’re hungry. You might have a car, but loading your scooter into the car requires more work than someone that needs a scooter is able to exert. You figure your scooter and yourself combined are enough to trigger the employee’s attention.

Why it’s not a car: Any time a vehicle owner weighs more than the vehicle, that vehicle is not a car.

4.The Crippled Assassin

I really have nothing bad to say about this cripple crushing cruiser – it’s badass. I could be wrong but by the look of this thing, my guess is it cruises at 45 knots, climbs 89 degree inclines and transforms into prosthetic legs, all while making your dick three sizes too large. Not bad for a wheelchair.

Why it’s not a car: Even if your chair has a seatbelt and tank-like traction, the fact that the bugs that should be splattering on your windshield knock you out because they hit you in the face at 600 mph means this vehicle is not a car.

3.The Senile Surfer

It’s great to see old people acting young, unless of course they’re being interviewed by Chris Hansen. But just because you saddled your surfboard from 1923 on god knows what, does not necessarily give you privilage to surf in the middle of the street.

Why it’s not a car: This one seems easy, but dispite what you may think, it isn’t because you steer it with your feet, nor is it because it has just three wheels. The main reason why this is not a car is because the guy controlling it is wearing shirt that matches his Hawaiian print skirt. Yes, I assure you – it’s a skirt.

2. The Vagrant’s Limousine

Despite that fact that this slab looks relatively well constructed – the tires are properly inflated and the chassis looks surprisingly clean – it needs a few modifications before it’s completely street legal, at least in my book.

Why it’s not a car: When you put your groceries inside your car and not into your car, that car is not a car at all.

1. The Honeymooner

This is basically the “big boy” version of #2. It’s sophisticated and reliable, and offers the luxury of a motor vehicle with the flexibility of an everyday gardening tool.

It comes equipped with custom grocery bag mounts and provides enough room for you to bring along your beautiful wife – a true diamond in the rough.

Why it’s not a car: This car is a car. You need to get yourself a helmet because you need to be driving this panty dropper on the street, buddy.

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]]> http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/top-5-cars-that-arent-really-cars-at-all/feed/ 1 http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/5-unfortunate-moments-in-boners/ http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/5-unfortunate-moments-in-boners/#comments Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:59:16 +0000 Brotha Jonze http://www.bannedinhollywood.com/?p=1863

5. The Burgundy Boner

Was it staged? Of course it was staged, but it sets the pace and the theme for today’s Top 5. Strong force and proud ownership make this untimely boner stand out from the rest.

4. The Poolside Speedo Boner

Was it staged? Unless this guy has a sense of humor about himself, this is a genuine untimely boner. His choice in Speedo over, well, anything else, further suggests this guy is all business, which renders it an honest boner.

Notice how there are no chicks in the pool – makes you wonder what he’s so excited about, right? He better put that thing to sleep before entering his lane – when you’re swimming for speed, the last thing you want is more drag than your belly already creates. Though I suppose he might be training, in which case his boner would act as parachute does to a sprinter training for the Olympics.

3. The Notorious Clinton Boner

I know that when you hear, “Clinton has a boner,” you immediately think of Hillary – But as you can see, it’s Slick Willy’s pride and joy.

Was it staged? The fact that Hillary is in the boat with him leads me to believe it’s staged, but the pronunciation of his camel tail suggests that it is in fact, an honest untimely boner.

Which is worse? Bill or Hillary naked… Throw Chelsea in the equation too and if you didn’t vomit before, I hope you didn’t eat tuna.

2. The Tool Teacher Boner

Was it staged? This, like the swimmer’s boner, is a toughie. Under what circumstances does a student get away with whipping out their cell phone and snapping a picture of Professor Dick Whycker’s untimely boner?

All four expressions however, look genuine. The fact that two students are looking at the camera and not at the boner in question suggests surprise in the fact that someone would dare take a picture during class.

Notice the awkward hand positioning and uncomfortably sucked in stomach – both are difficult to accomplish naturally.

Final ruling: Genuine Untimely Boner.

1. The Tentpole Boner

Everyone knows that basketball shorts and chicks in bikinis go together like Mel Gibson and Jews – But the question remains, was it staged?

In examining the protrusion of the upper part of her cheek, the girl in the pink bikini appears to be smiling as if she knows what is going on behind her – a clue that this untimely boner could be staged. Her friend’s naturally unaware stance and the lady in the back’s inability to stomach the scene on the other hand, suggest the opposite.

But for the final ruling we must examine the subject himself. Look at the posture: legs partially crossed, farmer’s tan, awkwardness, arms folded over the stomach in an attempt to shade the boner without being obvious – all signs that this kid hasn’t seen many girls in bikinis. Circumstantially this untimely boner has only one ruling…

Final Decision: Organic Untimely Boner.

Other Stuff We Like:
Fun Stuff Do To With Your Mom (holytaco)
Bob Saget Meltdown (cameltap)
Kappa Kappa Drama (Banned)
Streakers At Petco (bustedcoverage)
Jenny McCarthy Bikini (drunkenstepfather)
Matt Damon Has Got It All Figured Out (celebslam)

Supporting the pins (banned)