Article titles are in no particular order because I have become as lazy as psychics have gotten (see #1). Rearranging the titles is a lot of work, especially with so many Colons.

Here are Banned’s 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines.

20. Trust me, you would have done the same thing, it was waaaaaay too long

19. Thanks, but no thanks. That’s the last thing they need…

18. Safe sex can be dangerous

17. Do Want

16. For removal, please see physician ASAP

15. They used to spell it M’sip

14. Accidental Silicone-C4 switcheroo

13. Kansas City finally gets some ass!

12. Please explain… Oh, you mean David Seaman… Ok, because I thought…

11. Too close for cuntfort

10. Not ideal

9. Payback

8. A sticky situation

7. Editor, clearly male

6. Following directions fail

5. Not really worth the $1 lotto ticket

4. I would have guessed it was a bit lower…

3. Bad decisions were made, everyone got pregnant

2. He was knee-slap-clapping like you do when you have a beer in your hand

1. Psychics are getting lazy

When life gives you lemons, dress in matching outfits, head on down to the local photographer, get your family portrait taken, and post your family portrait on the internet so that I can compile another installment of 20 Photo Sessions That Should Have Never Happened.

Until you do, enjoy these 20 Photo Sessions That Should Have Never Happened.

**Update**

We have just been informed that many of these photos originated at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com — We’d like to say thanks for creating our new favorite website.

20. Frodo & Co.

The baby is the only one who realizes how completely gay dressing up as Lord of the Rings characters for the family Christmas photo is.

A hundred bucks says he grows up to be one of those trench-coat wearing types who kills their family — and this little guy, at age 17, will follow through with the stereotype… unless big frodobro in the back beats him to it.

19. Chicks, sit on the floor, we’re the D-Bags

Nothing says douchebag like seven douchebags being douchebags… Then they had to go and flex their muscles.

Is that a young Michael Phelps on the far left?

18. Duct tape Ameritux

Points for being patriotic, but what the fuck is going on here? Are two photographers taking pictures in the studio at the same time and the couple couldn’t decide which camera to look at?

Oh, wait, these two can’t afford studio time… When I said “two photographers” I meant, “his mom” and “her mom”.

17. She wears the pants, he wears the baby pink bunny ears

I can’t figure out if the person standing middle back is a boy or a girl — possibly the family’s maid?

I see the mom wears black bunny ears and the father and son standing on the left both wear baby-pink ears. The fact that the person standing in the back also wears baby-pink bunny ears leads me to believe this is in fact a boy — because wearing baby-pink bunny ears makes you a man — at least in this family.

Though, no one is getting laid any time soon so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

16. Fewer words mean more

So I’ll let the photo speak for its subject.

15. Awkward hand pat

I can’t decide what is more awkward, that a) he doesn’t want to passionately embrace the chick because he’ll have to grab onto her jolly jelly rolls, or b) that she cannot sit comfortaby in his lap because his stomach is in the way.

Next time, take the picture standing up… And maybe not wear the zip-up-collared-athletic-wear that clearly hasn’t been getting very much use.

14. Wat?

What’s with the shoes above the heads… and the zebra-print 3/4 sleeve jacket… and the astroturf floor… and all the crap going on in the background… and the… wait a sec, if you take her out of that hot pink dog house, she’s kinda cute…

13. Just look at the camera, buddy

C’mon Mario, you got this buddy, front and center.

OK, good, much better…

Now smile, annnnnnnd say cheeeeee…

*Wonnk* (the sound of his eyes crossing)

Dammit Mario, look at the camera…

*he looks up cross eyed at the camera-man*

Ah, fuck it.

*click*

12. A penguin, really?

You can get away with the little grey stuffed animal on the left, people will still think you’re kind of strange, but no stranger than you already look.

Now, if you get overzealous and throw in the massive stuffed penguin that takes up about as much screen space as your kids, people start asking questions.

11. Whinnie the really ghetto black guy

When you reach into his jar of honey he shoots you in the face and steals your shoes.

10. Shoulda left the kids at home…

No one’s putting this up on their fridge, except maybe me.

9. Soap Oprah focus

Nothing says classy like a naked, pregnant, tattooed, bleach tipped, earing wearing, subtle ass-grab in front of a mystical matte-painting, through a soft focus lens.

8. Just hangin’ with Mom and Dads

Hey Mom.

Hi Stevie.

Hey Dad.

Hi Steve.

Phil.

Steve, you know, you can call me Dad too you know…

FML.

7. The Pensive Ginger

The little matchstick in the middle got it bad.

6. Twister with no mat?

Dad makes the whole family twisterfuck just so he can say he was in four states at the same time, which is another way of saying, check out these triceps, pussy.

5. Bet you can guess who’s idea this was

…If you guessed the guy wearing the Canadian Tuxedo (all of them?) sucking on some persian chick-stache, you’re wrong.

If you guessed the kid sitting on the windowsill that has his leg up to hide the fact that he has a hard on, you are correct.

4. When it comes to Mom, hand placement is key

‘Nuff said.

3. “I thought you said you had a son?”

“Uh, that is my son, stupid.”

“Oh.”

2. Nothing about this is OK

Once the little girl starts playing with dad’s faux junk they might as well be naked, because explicit pedo-incest, I assume, is much less disturbing than seeing pedo-incest and then realizing it’s only faux pedo-incest that looks identical to real pedo-incest — mindfuck.

1. Family Tree

This is what happens after Ted Haggard does some crystal meth and has sex with someone in your family tree.

Nothing says happy holidays like the denim-clad Goldsteins vertical-spooning one another and nutting themselves on the tree branch in the backyard.

And… Liftoff!

More at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

I was stumbling through the Something Awful Forums when I came across a thread called Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms and, like so many times before, knew I needed to suck the thread and give it some attention.

I pulled ten or fifteen of my favorite submissions, did a little photoshopping, and added a few myself in order to compile what I believe are the Top 20 Safe For Work Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms.

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Official Answer Key:

20. Beat Your Meat
19. Three Hole Punch
18. Hairy Beaver
17. Donkey Punch
16. Golden Shower
15. Choking Your Chicken
14. Furburger
13. Horizontal Mambo
12. Hung Like A Horse
11. Cleveland Steamer
10. No Pants Dance
9. Bust A Nut
8. Laying Pipe
7. Hot Beef Injection
6. Sucking Dick
5. Cleaning Your Rifle
4. Dirty Sanchez
3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…
1. The Rusty Trombone

Reportedly, the founders of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream are creating a flavor line inspired by the United States Government. Obama’s flavor is appropriately named “Yes, Pecan!” but no flavors have been attributed to the Bush administration…

Until now.

5. Exploding with flavor!

4. No fans and no money!

3. Confusingly delicious!

2. Drowning in melon!

1. We know you’ll love it…

Bonus Flavor: Alberto Gonzales’ personal favorite

11) Jason Giambi’s mustache.

Originally, it was conceived as a way to grow hair that didn’t serve as a forensic record of a decade of steroid abuse. However, since growing in, Jason Giambi’s mustache has starred in thirty four adult films, including one where the slugger’s mustache serves porn starlets penetrated by Louisville Sluggers to inner city children at Yankee Stadium, called “The Twicecream Man”.

12) Joba Chamberlain’s adamant refusal to enter the game to the music from Return of the Jedi.

13) Digging up the planted Red Sox jersey.

In the interests of full disclosure, I will say here that burying that jersey in the first place was frankly a retarded stunt, and some Bronx born guido needs to shut the fu©k up about “Red Sox Nation”. That being said, the Yankees paid $88/hr to union workers to come in on a Sunday and dig it up. For those keeping score at home, the Yankees literally have (and will spend) “f-ck you” money.