Article titles are in no particular order because I have become as lazy as psychics have gotten (see #1). Rearranging the titles is a lot of work, especially with so many Colons.

Here are Banned’s 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines.

20. Trust me, you would have done the same thing, it was waaaaaay too long

19. Thanks, but no thanks. That’s the last thing they need…

18. Safe sex can be dangerous

17. Do Want

16. For removal, please see physician ASAP

15. They used to spell it M’sip

14. Accidental Silicone-C4 switcheroo

13. Kansas City finally gets some ass!

12. Please explain… Oh, you mean David Seaman… Ok, because I thought…

11. Too close for cuntfort

10. Not ideal

9. Payback

8. A sticky situation

7. Editor, clearly male

6. Following directions fail

5. Not really worth the $1 lotto ticket

4. I would have guessed it was a bit lower…

3. Bad decisions were made, everyone got pregnant

2. He was knee-slap-clapping like you do when you have a beer in your hand

1. Psychics are getting lazy

When life gives you lemons, dress in matching outfits, head on down to the local photographer, get your family portrait taken, and post your family portrait on the internet so that I can compile another installment of 20 Photo Sessions That Should Have Never Happened.

Until you do, enjoy these 20 Photo Sessions That Should Have Never Happened.

**Update**

We have just been informed that many of these photos originated at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com — We’d like to say thanks for creating our new favorite website.

20. Frodo & Co.

The baby is the only one who realizes how completely gay dressing up as Lord of the Rings characters for the family Christmas photo is.

A hundred bucks says he grows up to be one of those trench-coat wearing types who kills their family — and this little guy, at age 17, will follow through with the stereotype… unless big frodobro in the back beats him to it.

19. Chicks, sit on the floor, we’re the D-Bags

Nothing says douchebag like seven douchebags being douchebags… Then they had to go and flex their muscles.

Is that a young Michael Phelps on the far left?

18. Duct tape Ameritux

Points for being patriotic, but what the fuck is going on here? Are two photographers taking pictures in the studio at the same time and the couple couldn’t decide which camera to look at?

Oh, wait, these two can’t afford studio time… When I said “two photographers” I meant, “his mom” and “her mom”.

17. She wears the pants, he wears the baby pink bunny ears

I can’t figure out if the person standing middle back is a boy or a girl — possibly the family’s maid?

I see the mom wears black bunny ears and the father and son standing on the left both wear baby-pink ears. The fact that the person standing in the back also wears baby-pink bunny ears leads me to believe this is in fact a boy — because wearing baby-pink bunny ears makes you a man — at least in this family.

Though, no one is getting laid any time soon so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

16. Fewer words mean more

So I’ll let the photo speak for its subject.

15. Awkward hand pat

I can’t decide what is more awkward, that a) he doesn’t want to passionately embrace the chick because he’ll have to grab onto her jolly jelly rolls, or b) that she cannot sit comfortaby in his lap because his stomach is in the way.

Next time, take the picture standing up… And maybe not wear the zip-up-collared-athletic-wear that clearly hasn’t been getting very much use.

14. Wat?

What’s with the shoes above the heads… and the zebra-print 3/4 sleeve jacket… and the astroturf floor… and all the crap going on in the background… and the… wait a sec, if you take her out of that hot pink dog house, she’s kinda cute…

13. Just look at the camera, buddy

C’mon Mario, you got this buddy, front and center.

OK, good, much better…

Now smile, annnnnnnd say cheeeeee…

*Wonnk* (the sound of his eyes crossing)

Dammit Mario, look at the camera…

*he looks up cross eyed at the camera-man*

Ah, fuck it.

*click*

12. A penguin, really?

You can get away with the little grey stuffed animal on the left, people will still think you’re kind of strange, but no stranger than you already look.

Now, if you get overzealous and throw in the massive stuffed penguin that takes up about as much screen space as your kids, people start asking questions.

11. Whinnie the really ghetto black guy

When you reach into his jar of honey he shoots you in the face and steals your shoes.

10. Shoulda left the kids at home…

No one’s putting this up on their fridge, except maybe me.

9. Soap Oprah focus

Nothing says classy like a naked, pregnant, tattooed, bleach tipped, earing wearing, subtle ass-grab in front of a mystical matte-painting, through a soft focus lens.

8. Just hangin’ with Mom and Dads

Hey Mom.

Hi Stevie.

Hey Dad.

Hi Steve.

Phil.

Steve, you know, you can call me Dad too you know…

FML.

7. The Pensive Ginger

The little matchstick in the middle got it bad.

6. Twister with no mat?

Dad makes the whole family twisterfuck just so he can say he was in four states at the same time, which is another way of saying, check out these triceps, pussy.

5. Bet you can guess who’s idea this was

…If you guessed the guy wearing the Canadian Tuxedo (all of them?) sucking on some persian chick-stache, you’re wrong.

If you guessed the kid sitting on the windowsill that has his leg up to hide the fact that he has a hard on, you are correct.

4. When it comes to Mom, hand placement is key

‘Nuff said.

3. “I thought you said you had a son?”

“Uh, that is my son, stupid.”

“Oh.”

2. Nothing about this is OK

Once the little girl starts playing with dad’s faux junk they might as well be naked, because explicit pedo-incest, I assume, is much less disturbing than seeing pedo-incest and then realizing it’s only faux pedo-incest that looks identical to real pedo-incest — mindfuck.

1. Family Tree

This is what happens after Ted Haggard does some crystal meth and has sex with someone in your family tree.

Nothing says happy holidays like the denim-clad Goldsteins vertical-spooning one another and nutting themselves on the tree branch in the backyard.

And… Liftoff!

More at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

I was stumbling through the Something Awful Forums when I came across a thread called Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms and, like so many times before, knew I needed to suck the thread and give it some attention.

I pulled ten or fifteen of my favorite submissions, did a little photoshopping, and added a few myself in order to compile what I believe are the Top 20 Safe For Work Illustrated Sexual Euphemisms.

Thanks goes out to the Goons for inspiration (as well as for a few quality photoshop jobs, especially to nickhimself for sexual euphemism #3).

In case any of the following 20 illustrated sexual euphemisms leave you stumped, an answer key is provided at the bottom of the page.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Official Answer Key:

20. Beat Your Meat
19. Three Hole Punch
18. Hairy Beaver
17. Donkey Punch
16. Golden Shower
15. Choking Your Chicken
14. Furburger
13. Horizontal Mambo
12. Hung Like A Horse
11. Cleveland Steamer
10. No Pants Dance
9. Bust A Nut
8. Laying Pipe
7. Hot Beef Injection
6. Sucking Dick
5. Cleaning Your Rifle
4. Dirty Sanchez
3. Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
2. Does The Carpet Match The Drapes?
- Yes, I Believe It Does…
1. The Rusty Trombone

Until now.

5. Exploding with flavor!

4. No fans and no money!

3. Confusingly delicious!

2. Drowning in melon!

1. We know you’ll love it…

Bonus Flavor: Alberto Gonzales’ personal favorite

Originally, it was conceived as a way to grow hair that didn’t serve as a forensic record of a decade of steroid abuse. However, since growing in, Jason Giambi’s mustache has starred in thirty four adult films, including one where the slugger’s mustache serves porn starlets penetrated by Louisville Sluggers to inner city children at Yankee Stadium, called “The Twicecream Man”.

12) Joba Chamberlain’s adamant refusal to enter the game to the music from Return of the Jedi.

13) Digging up the planted Red Sox jersey.

In the interests of full disclosure, I will say here that burying that jersey in the first place was frankly a retarded stunt, and some Bronx born guido needs to shut the fu©k up about “Red Sox Nation”. That being said, the Yankees paid $88/hr to union workers to come in on a Sunday and dig it up. For those keeping score at home, the Yankees literally have (and will spend) “f-ck you” money.

14) Suzyn Waldman.

If I need to explain this one, you need to wear a helmet on a regular basis

15) New Yankee Stadium.

When you own the largest and most profitable sports franchise in all of baseball, with a home park that is one of three hallowed parks left in baseball (Yankee Stadium, Fenway Park and Wrigley Field), what is the most logical step to take? Knock the stadium down, dick over the city, the league and the fans, and create a greater revenue monstrosity than has ever been visited on the likes of a major American sport. With fewer overall seats, but nearly triple the number of luxury boxes (including one just for the city officials of New York who negotiated the $10 a year rental price in exchange for $400 million in public funds), the stadium has revenue generating capabilities one Yankee insider termed “ridiculous”.

Not only does the stadium generate significantly more revenue, it also, through creative accounting, manages to lower the Yankees revenue sharing obligations. If you thought it was funny when A-Rod was making more than the entire 25 man roster of the Florida Marlins, just wait until Melky Cabrera is making more than the Dodgers, and A-Rod has his own luxury box just to store the interest he makes on his salary.

16) The New York Media.

Now I recognize this is a bit like blaming the rape victim for a rape, but Jesus, the pinstripes are just so media-slutty, what do they expect a hack sportswriter to do? Act like someone that’s not an ignorant douche? Not with those uniforms on missy.

Just recently after a closed door meeting with his team, manager Joe Girardi told the assembled media that the meeting was “between him and his team”. He was immediately asked “I’m an ignorant mother fu©ker who can’t comprehend the words you just spoke seven seconds ago, can we get a transcript of what was said in this closed door meeting that was for Yankee ears only?”*. This question and answer was repeated not once, not twice, but three times.

17) “Yankees Universe”.

We’ve all had moments in our life where we were called upon to make a biting retort and came up short, sputtering out something about the other party being a “doodie head”, but the response to “Red Sox Nation” that is “Yankees Universe” outdoes them all. Yankees Universe? Really? I understand the need to rival or exceed the claims of an adversary, but to jump from Nation to Universe is a tad absurd. The dictionary defines Nation as: “A relatively large group of people organized under a single, usually independent government; a country. A federation or tribe”. In topping this descriptor, Steinbrenner would not be satisfied with words that indicated something slightly larger like “Yankee Empire”, “The Steinbrenner Caliphate” or “multi-nation coalition of allied states defined by the Yankee Fan Treaty Organization”, but had to jump straight to the word that literally means everything in all of existence. In Steinbrenner’s mind there exist, many millions of lightyears from Earth, beings beyond our comprehension who likewise masturbate furiously to overhyped prospects and $200 million payrolls.

18) Bernie Williams.

Bernie Williams was a loyal and steadfast Yankee, and was ever the “loyal opposition” to all teams that faced them. It’s an incredible shame that at the end of his career Brian Cashman walked up to where he had fallen in center field, placed a shotgun against his temple and later sent him to be boiled down to make glue.

19) Derek Jeter, American League Shortstop.

The Yankees employ one of the top five defensive shortstops in the American league. His name is Alex Rodriguez and he currently plays third base in deference to Derek Jeter, who by all accounts has less range than Orlando Bloom. But deference to a long tenured and loyal employee is more important to the Yankees than the product on the field, which is why they promoted Don Mattingly to manager after Joe Torre left. Oh wait…

20) We can do it ourselves!

For a time the Yankees employed the services of former Yankee 3B, Michael Pagliarulo’s iScout firm. Pags specialized in scouting and analysis of Japanese players, and in the winter of 2007 advised the Yankees that the posting fee for Daisuke Matsuzaka would be close to $50 million and that Kei Igawa was a long reliever at best. In response, the Yankees told Pags his services would no longer be needed and that they would rely on their own internal scouting. They proceeded to underbid for Matsuzaka, losing him to the Red Sox, and then spend that $50 million posting fee on a $26 million posting fee and $20 million contract for Kei Igawa. Igawa pitched less than 70 innings for the Yankees, posting an ERA over 6.00, before being demoted to AAA. He has remained in AAA except for the occasional spot start. I know how satisfying it is when someone ignores your advice and runs headfirst into a world class fu©k up (your son should be what, three by now Laura?)**, but it must be twice as sweet when they actually paid you for the advice in the first place.

*Paraphrased for increased accuracy

**Laura is my hypothetical ex-girlfriend who was knocked up by a trucker.
[digg-me]