Posts Tagged ‘USC’

To be fair, Durex condoms are supposed to fit slightly more snug. So naturally, if you’re a Trojan guy you’ll lose one or two to beavers.

You’ll also like:
Shannon Sky is hot to trot (gorillamask)
Font Fail (banned)
Jaime Hammer has them tripple B’s (bustedcoverage)
Bike stunt gone wrong (donchavez)
Nice wedding dress (cameltap)
Jesse Jane in Pirates II, a Skinematic Assterpiece (banned)

Thank god for this reminder.

Anyone that has spent 5 minutes watching the NFL/NBA draft realizes how homoerotic commentators can be when they describe the athletic acuity of college prospects. To make it decidedly less gay, the Banned in Hollywood editors have constructed the first ever Female Fantasy Draft. Draft order was predetermined by number of women notched on our belts. Since Peter is still a virgin, he gets first pick.

Round 1: Returner (Woman you can bring home to the parents.)

1. Natalie Portman, Jerusalem, Irsael (Peter)
Reason for drafting: Shes’ hot, a Harvard grad and because she’s Jewish, she’ll like my mom because she can’t stand her own.

SeanThomas: I thought you were part German? That’s going to go over REAL well.
Peter: No moron, you’re part German. I’m Irish.
SeanThomas: Oh yeah. Well, you’ll be drunk either way.
Brotha Jonze: I’m part German, so you can have her. I look for a woman who can cook, and as a returner, Natalie Portman and my industrial-sized oven wouldn’t get along. I should just invest in a nice Dutch oven to avoid any complications in my future.

2. Scarlett Johansson, New York, New York (SeanThomas)
Reason for drafting: She’s got bust written all over her, and I don’t really mind. Physically gifted, fluid hips, and she’s charming. She wins my dad’s heart without saying a word. Did I mention she dresses classy?

Brotha Jonze: Don’t get me wrong, she looks good now, but give her ten years and those chest hams will sag and she’ll put on a few pounds… which is unacceptable as a returner, you’re looking for quickness in the sack and consistency. Imagine her with a belly, the face just doesn’t hold up.
SeanThomas: She’s reached her ceiling, I’ll give you that. Hopefully her legs can reach mine.
Brotha Jonze: Touche, good sir. Touche.

3. Gemma Atkinson, Bury, Greater Manchester, England (Brotha Jonze)

Reason for drafting: Her accent.

SeanThomas: Your parents must subscribe to the “she has an English accent and therefore smart” theory, which most Americans seem to have. Her intelligence is about as real as her chest.
Brotha Jonze: Which is perfect because I get all the benefits of others thinking she’s smart without actually being so. Why would you want a smart girl, Sean? If you dated a smart chick, she’d leave you before you got her in bed.
SeanThomas: Gemma seems to dig the soccer players. On the bright side, you might be the first straight guy she’s screwed.
Peter: Enjoy your raging case of the Cristiano Ronaldo strain.
Brotha Jonze: Hey, at least AIDS kills you. Better than living the rest of your life with a bumpy dick right?

Just when you thought Rey Maualuga was simply an autonomous killing machine constructed and programmed by Pete Carroll to destroy college quarterbacks, Rey shows us his feminine side. But seriously, this is probably just a Jedi Mind Trick designed to lull opponents into complacency only to unmercifully sacrifice their bodies to the football gods come Saturday. Virginia QB Peter Lalich is already doing his best to get suspended before August 30th.

HT: USCFootball.com